********
"Inviolate"
a Fruits Basket fanfic by Ysabet MacFarlane (ba087@chebucto.ns.ca)
********

Hatori didn't look up when the door to his office slid open.  There was no
urgency to the sound, so it wasn't a crisis.  He turned to the next page of the
medical journal he was reading and glanced down to see how much longer the
article was.  "One moment, please."  He interpreted the silence that followed as
consent, and let his full attention return to the results of a study he'd been
interested in.

When he was finished he swiveled the chair to face the door; a moment later he
was out of it and moving.  "Hatsuharu, I told you to stay in your room." 
Concern made the words more brusque than he'd intended, and he regretted it when
the boy lifted his head slowly and looked up at him.  Haru's usual control was
weakened by the sedatives that were still in his system; his eyes were wide and
stunned.  Hatori checked the clock.  Only another hour until he'd been planning
to go and check up on Haru, determine if another dosage was needed.  His gaze
fell on the ox's bare arms and he winced, wishing Haru had had the sense to
cover up the mess of scratches and bandages.  But then, between his usual sense
of direction and the drugs, it had probably taken all of his concentration just
to get here.  Hatori wondered how many people had seen him.

"'Sokay, Tori-nii," Haru said, blinking against his eyes' attempts to unfocus. 
"I'm not gonna go Black again . . . too tired."  He was leaning against the
wall, making no effort to pretend it wasn't holding him up.

"That is _not_ the only reason I told you to stay where I left you."

"I know."  Haru's speech was clearing, as if using his voice were enough to
hurry the sedatives out of his blood.  "Had to talk to you, away from my
parents."

"Sit down before you fall down," Hatori said, taking his arm and pulling him
away from the wall.  Haru allowed himself to be steered to the sofa.  "All
right.  What is it?"

 "How does it work when you take people's memories away?" Haru asked.  His voice
was shaking, and not from anything Hatori had given him.  "What can you do?"

"I don't think that's relevant to anything that's happened," Hatori replied,
trying to figure out what Haru was after.

"It's relevant.  I'm scared.  What if I'd really hurt someone?  I--"

"Your Black side has nothing to do with memory," Hatori interrupted.  "I can't
just erase it.  Your parents already--"  This time he stopped himself.

Haru's mouth twisted into something like a smile.  "I know it can't work like
_that_.  I know Mom asked you, when I first started losing it; she said they'd
hoped if you took away the memories of what people said about me, I'd be ok."

"Then what--"

"What if someone gets hurt?" Haru repeated.

"The girl is fine."

There was a long silence, followed by a choked laugh.  "She shouldn't be.  She
deserved it."  Haru looked up, and his eyes were dark with a colder anger than
Hatori was used to seeing in him.  "She deserved worse than what I did to her,
the little bitch."  Another silence.  "But someone else might not."

"What do you want to forget?"

"D'you have to know to make it work?"

"I need a general idea, yes."  Haru gazed at him with the steady blankness he
used to hide himself from others, and Hatori sighed.  "But it doesn't matter
right now--you're certainly not in any shape to be making that kind of decision.
 Lie down; you can sleep here, and I'll let your parents know where you are." 
Hatori stood and went to the medicine cabinet and unlocked it, examining the
bottles inside before opening one and carefully counting out a dosage low enough
to be harmless but high enough to guarantee quick sleep.  Pouring a glass of
water, he returned to the sofa.  "Take these."

"What are they?" Haru asked.  The last dose he'd taken had almost worn off--his
muscles were visibly tense, and he was beginning to shake.  Hatori grimaced as
he remembered how Haru had been early that afternoon--too upset and shaken to
even question him.

"Pentobarbital.  It's what I gave you earlier today."  Haru nodded unsteadily
and took the pills.  "Tomorrow I'll give you a lighter dosage if you need it;
it's addictive, so I'm not going to keep administering it for long."

"Ok."  Haru blinked and frowned.  "I should go home."

"I'll call your parents," Hatori repeated.  "We'll get you home tomorrow.  Lie
back down."  He went and found a pillow and blanket; by the time he'd returned,
Haru was almost asleep.  Hatori deftly lifted his head and slid the pillow into
place before covering him, and then sat down in a chair to keep watch.

After Haru had been asleep for several minutes, there was a soft tap at the door
before it slid open and Momiji came in.  "Ha'ri, it's getting late--oh."  He
padded over and crouched by the sofa, biting his lip.  "Ist er wohl?"

"No.  Did you find out what happened?"

"Nein.  Yuki würde mir nichts sagen."

Hatori swore under his breath and rested his face in his hands, ignoring
Momiji's twitch of surprise at his response.

"Können wir mit ihm eine Weile bleiben?"

"Yes."

Momiji settled himself on the floor and put a light hand on Haru's head,
smoothing the white hair back with the grace shared by musicians and surgeons. 
"Es ist wohl, Haru," he whispered.

*And if it's not?*  Hatori wondered.  *Someday it will stop being all right, and
one of them will shatter beyond healing.  What if it's now?*  But he said
nothing, only sat there with Momiji, listening to Haru's slow breathing.  *There
has to be a way to shake him out of this.*  And with that thought, he
reluctantly stood and went to call Shigure.

********
"Got a letter today
had a boy from Carolina say
'I just came out
just came out
the other day'
They took him to a doctor
put stuff on his brain
they locked him away
they locked him away"
	--Tori Amos, "Merman" intro (March 15, 2003    Louisville)

********

[Earlier That Day]

It was unusually warm for late autumn.  The sun had enticed half of the student
body outside for lunch, and some of the male students had gone as far as peeling
off the long-sleeved jackets of their uniforms.  Tohru had been inspired by the
good weather and made far more food than she, Yuki, and Kyo could possibly eat;
it had taken no persuasion at all to get Haru, Momiji, and her friends to share
it with them.  The seven of them sat on the grass, surrounded by a feast.  Haru
and Kyo were both bare-armed, willing to risk the occasional shiver when the sun
went behind a cloud in exchange for a last bask in the sunlight.

While they ate, the four Sohmas ignored the girls who walked by and shot quick,
tentative looks at them, or who settled down to eat their own lunches just on
the edge of earshot.  Most of the girls were still gazing longingly at Yuki, out
of habit, but the other three boys were attracting their fair share of
flirtatious behavior.  Yuki had learned not to smile back, even out of
politeness; Haru and Kyo showed no sign of noticing at all.  Momiji was the only
one who responded, but his cheerful grin was so obviously indiscriminate that it
didn't encourage girls to take him aside.

As a result, it was Momiji who noticed the girl staring hardest at Haru; he
cocked his head curiously at her and nudged Haru.  "There's a mädchen looking at
you."

Haru ate the last bite of his lunch before replying.  "So?"

Momiji shrugged.  "I don't think she's even blinked for the last couple of
minutes.  Maybe she's got a serious crush on you?"

Haru frowned slightly.  "And . . ?"

Yuki, the reluctant voice of experience, sighed.  "If she does want to confess
to you, you should let her.  If you're nice about it, she'll probably go away
and nurse her broken heart for a little while and leave you alone."

"You've got it down to a science, huh, Prince?" Arisa said, her eyes twinkling. 
Yuki looked uncomfortable and didn't answer.

"I don't like the idea of hurting anybody," Haru said, running his fingers over
his necklaces to straighten the chains.  He reluctantly followed Momiji's gaze. 
Sure enough, there was a girl staring at him.

Tohru glanced up.  "That's Ozaki Fusae-san.  She's in our class."

"Older woman and everything," Arisa said lightly, not noticing how Haru and Yuki
both went still at the words.  "Everyone says she's one of the prettiest girls
in school.  Not bad."

Haru took a second look.  "I guess."  His disinterested tone didn't carry to the
girl, but the look did.  She stood up and began to walk over.  He shot a quick
glance at Yuki.  "I have to talk to her?"

"Probably.  It doesn't look like she's going to give you a choice.  Anyway,
lunch hour's almost over, so she can't keep you for too long."

Haru sighed softly and watched as Fusae came to within a few feet of them and
bowed politely, keeping her eyes modestly fixed on a point just beyond her own
toes.  "Hatsuharu-kun, may I talk to you for a few minutes?"

He hesitated and then stood to follow her, feeling the uncomfortable weight of
his family's eyes on his back as he walked away.

********

Fusae took the stairs up to the roof, and Haru followed her reluctantly.  It was
windier than on the ground, and cooler; his metal jewelry channeled the cold
more than was comfortable.  "No one comes up here," she said, walking closer to
the edge of the roof.

*Except Kyo,* Haru thought, but he didn't correct her.  Instead he waited for
her to say something else.  For several minutes, she didn't.  It really was
getting close to time to go back to class.  Finally he broke the silence,
wanting to get it over with.  "Ozaki-sempai--"

"Fusae," she corrected immediately, smiling.

"Ozaki-sempai," he repeated, keeping his face still.  "What would you like to
talk about?"

Her eyes shadowed, and she walked back to stand a few feet away from him.  With
no further preamble, she asked, "Hatsuharu-kun, do you have a girlfriend?"

"No," he said.

"Would you date me, then?"  The bluntness of the question startled him too much
to reply instantly, and she kept talking.  "I know you don't know me, but the
boys in my class all think I'm pretty."  She blushed just the right amount,
dropping her eyes for a moment before looking back up.  Jyuunishi instinct
sounded a faint warning, and he took a step back as she moved forward.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not looking for someone right now."  He kept his voice
steady.

"Oh."  She didn't even blink or glance away, just stood there worrying at her
lower lip with her teeth.  "Well . . . what about something less formal?"  She
shifted her weight, pushing her hips forward in a way that caught his eye
against his will.  Her voice dropped, but her eyes still looked intent and
hopeful.  "I really like you, Hatsuharu-kun.  You're different."  He stared at
her while she took another step toward him and touched his wrist; he slid free
with a simple twist.  Her fingers felt wrong, unfamiliar; for a moment he was
distracted while he tried to remember if a stranger had ever touched him so
deliberately before.  When he focused again, she was between him and the door,
too close for a Jyuunishi's comfort.  He immediately pulled his right arm up in
front of his chest and took another step away.  Fusae was trying hard to make
eye contact.  "You're really hot," she breathed, not taking the hint.  "If a boy
like you wanted to have some fun with me, I'd let him do anything he wanted."

Haru frowned at her, trying to figure out how to get past her without being too
offensive or physically moving her.  They were only a few feet away from the
door now, but her bluntness was no justification for being rude in turn.  Her
aggression was warming his blood, but not in the way she wanted.  "I have to get
to class, Ozaki-sempai."

"Really?"  Her hands were on his arm, her fingers curling under one of his
bracelets.  "Don't you think I'm pretty?"  A pout was forming that was,
actually, quite sensual; Haru wondered if she practiced it.  She _was_ pretty;
she probably made plenty of their schoolmates wake up with a sudden need to wash
their sheets.  And she obviously knew it, judging by her stubborn refusal to
catch on.

"Let go, please," he said softly, irritated at his body's vague interest, its
reminder that it had been a long time since he'd been touched.  More irritated
that she wasn't releasing him.  Her hands were nothing like Rin's, and their
contact with his skin was making him edgy; the combination of the irritation and
the reminder of sexual frustration were pushing him toward a dangerous line
faster than was safe.  Shadows were creeping around the corners of his mind. 
"I'm leaving, Sempai."

Fusae stared at him.  "You do know what I'm saying, don't you?"  The startled
disbelief in her eyes made him grit his teeth and abandon courtesy in an effort
to get away before he snapped.  A tremor was settling into his bones; he could
feel his blood moving through his veins with every heartbeat.

"Damn it, I said I'm leaving," he said, wrenching his arm out of her grasp.  The
bracelet she'd been holding onto dug deep into his skin, and he tried to use the
pain to focus away from his Black side.  *I don't want to hurt her, I just want
to get away and go to class and it'll be fine . . . *  His tenuous hold on his
temper frayed further when she didn't move.

"You think I give just anyone the chance to have sex with me?" she asked, her
eyes narrowing.  "What, are you a virgin or something?  I can show you what to
do--"  He got his arm back between them as she came close, barely kept himself
from knocking her aside.  It was hard to think through the roaring in his ears.

*I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to hurt her--*

A hand made its way between his legs, rubbing against him, and there was no
holding onto control.  He hit her without another instant of hesitation, shoving
her up against the wall before she could make a sound.

*--I WANT TO HURT HER.*

He pinned her there effortlessly while she tried to break his grip, and smiled
when she whimpered.  "Who the fuck do you think you are?" he whispered, his
voice rough with unleashed anger.  "You think you can have me just because you
want me?  Just because you think you're so _pretty_?"  He sneered the last word
and laughed when she paled.  "Think I wouldn't know what to do with you, you
boring little slut?"  He gouged his fingers deep into her arms while he spoke,
almost crooning the harshest words he could think of.  "I know what to do with
someone I _love_; I don't even know you.  You sure as hell don't know me.  And
for the record, _Sempai_, the girl I've been with is so much hotter than you
that even if I wanted to give you a sympathy fuck, I doubt I could get it up for
you."

Fusae was crying, clawing at his lower arms wherever she could reach him.  He
wondered if it was because of what he was saying or the way her arms were
bruising.  "You think you can just touch me because you want to?"  Deep under
the icy rage, he kept just enough control to keep himself from slamming her head
back into the wall.  He was dimly aware that her nails were drawing blood,
opening long raw scratches from his elbows toward his wrists.  He couldn't think
straight, too revolted by the liberty she had taken and by the part of himself
that had been tempted.  *I'm not hers.  I'm still Rin's, even if she doesn't
want me anymore.*  The despair that lurked under that thought only fed his
anger.  "Who do you think you are?" he repeated.  "Don't you ever touch me
again."

"Let go," she choked out.

"I don't think I will," he replied, sliding easily into a languid cruelty.  He
heard echoes of Akito in his own voice, and somewhere inside he wept.  "Why
should I?  You said I could do anything I wanted to you, didn't you?"  He
watched a drop of blood bead on his arm before it fell.

She summoned a burst of resistance.  "I'll tell the teachers you attacked me."

"Tell them whatever you want."  He wanted nothing so badly as to take her by the
shoulders and shake her until her neck snapped under the weight of her empty
head.

********

Ten minutes into the afternoon lecture, Saki stood abruptly, pushing her chair
back.  She tilted her head back to stare at the front corner of the ceiling, and
then swiveled unerringly to stare at Yuki, then Kyo.  "Go to the roof," she said
flatly.  "Both of you."  They stared at her--the whole class stared at her, but
she was used to ignoring them--and she frowned impatiently, trying to stay
steady through the rush of emotions she was picking up.  "Fear.  Rage.  Despair.
 Helplessness," she said, letting them channel through her, not looking too
closely.  The boys weren't moving.  "NOW."

The cousins exchanged a fast look, and were on their feet and moving to the door
a moment later.  As it slid open and closed, Saki sat back down and rubbed idly
at one temple.

"Hana-chan, what is it?" Tohru asked quietly.

Saki shook her head.  "I'm sure they'll tell you later."

Tohru, being Tohru, subsided; Arisa shot Saki an intrigued glance but said
nothing.  No one else dared to ask.

********

Yuki sized the situation up quickly when he and Kyo shoved the door open and ran
out onto the roof.  Beside him, Kyo sucked in his breath sharply in dismay; Yuki
spoke before the cat could attack the problem the way he usually did when Haru
went Black.  Drawing Haru's anger wasn't going to work.  He kept his voice as
low and calm as he could.

"Haru, we're here.  You can let go."

"Yuki-kun--" Fusae whimpered, but Yuki ignored her, and Kyo did the same.

The tableau they were looking at was frightening.  Haru stood like a statue
carved from tangible fury, holding Fusae still against the wall and staring at a
point somewhere above her eyes.  Tiny bloodstains marked the ground around them,
but it looked like it was all Haru's--his lower arms were in shreds, clawed so
badly that Yuki wondered if he'd be scarred.  Yuki and Kyo exchanged a quick
glance, able to read each other's intentions after so many years of facing off,
and they both moved forward.  Yuki laid a hand on the back of Haru's neck, and
the ox shuddered.

"Relax your hands," Kyo ordered, reaching out slowly.  He worked his fingers
under Haru's left hand, ignoring the way the extra pressure made Fusae wince. 
Haru's hand clenched in resistance, but Kyo managed to ease it open and free one
bruised wrist from his death grip.  He shot a look at Fusae.  "Don't move.  Not
an inch, ok?"  He stared at her until she nodded, and then went to work on
Haru's other hand.  Yuki was still standing behind Haru, and when Kyo had gotten
Fusae loose he immediately clamped both arms around the ox, bodily pulling him
away from the terrified girl.

"Haru?"

"Get her away from me," Haru whispered, his voice chilled with malice.  He was
still staring at Fusae, with the cold loathing most people reserved for insects.
 "If she comes near me again I'll take her apart."

Kyo shook his head, incredulous.  "What did you _do_ to him, Ozaki?"

She jerked her gaze away from Haru and stared up at him, startled out of her
tearful shock.  "What did _I_--?"

Kyo frowned at her.  "Haru's dangerous when he gets mad, but he doesn't lose it
like this unless he's pushed pretty hard."

Fusae slowly looked back and forth between him and Haru, and swallowed audibly. 
"I--I didn't--"  A heavy silence fell after she trailed off.

After a moment Yuki grabbed Haru's shoulders and turned him.  "Your arms are a
mess," he said evenly.  Haru shrugged.  "Doesn't it hurt?"

"It doesn't hurt."  He looked over at Fusae, who was pulling herself to her
feet, and laughed.  "Hey, Sempai, you should learn how to defend yourself.  This
scratching thing isn't working for you."

"Haru, don't--" Yuki said.

"It doesn't hurt, see?"  He jerked his left arm free of Yuki's grip and buried
his nails in his own upper arm, raking them down.  Blood welled up and he
smiled, as if the pain was enough to stir him from the frozen anger that had
held him motionless.

"I'll get her out of here," Kyo said, staring at Haru but addressing Yuki. 
"Come on, Ozaki."

Yuki took hold of Haru's left arm again, covering the tattoo with his hand, and
leaned back against the wall.  Haru waited until Kyo and Fusae were gone and
then followed suit.  Yuki frowned at him.  "Haru, are you Black or White?"  Haru
slid to the ground and examined the scratches; some of them had stopped
bleeding, but there were still several oozing.  He shrugged again.  "Usually I
can tell," Yuki continued, his eyes intent with worry.  "I know you were Black
when we got here--Haru?"

"I'm dizzy."

Yuki shook his head.  "I'm calling Hatori.  Should we go inside?  You're
shivering."

"Rather have the air," Haru muttered.  He listened while Yuki dialed a number on
his cell, tuned out the quick conversation that followed.

"Hatori's coming right away."

"Ok."

"What _happened_?"

Haru discovered that his teeth were chattering, and clenched them together. 
"Sempai decided she wanted to fuck me," he said flatly.  "She wouldn't take a
hint--kept pushing at me."  The dizziness was making it hard to talk.  "Doesn't
matter what happened.  By now she's told the teachers whatever she wants. 
They'll believe it."

"Tell them she wouldn't leave you alone."

"Have you _seen_ my file?  They'll believe anything."  His voice sounded
distant, as if it were someone else talking.  He felt Yuki's fingers warm
against his throat and leaned into the touch--familiar, safe skin.

"Your heart's going way too fast," Yuki said.  "Breathe slowly. 
Mayuko-sensei'll probably talk to the office for you."

"She's not my teacher."

"She's good with us.  With Sohmas.  She'll help.  _Breathe_."

Haru tried, but the dizziness was winning.  "Yuki, stay with me?"

"You think I'd leave you here by yourself?"

Painfully slow shake of the head.  "N-no.  Yuki.  She touched me like I was her
property.  Like Akito is with us.  Like she had the right to do it."  He felt
Yuki shudder.  "Like that, except that I didn't have to take it.  I couldn't
take it."

His skin crawled saying that much, and he fell silent, wondering if even Yuki
could understand that there was already one person in the world who was able to
touch him without his consent, who he had to endure, and that there was no room
for anyone else to take that liberty.  That Rin's touch, her perfect warmth, was
one boundary for him; that Akito's cool hands with their unwanted impunity were
another.

There was no room between those borders for the tepid touch of a schoolgirl who
imagined that putting her hand between his legs would make him want her; no
place for such an ignorant, arrogant child in his world.

********
"where can I go to feel
like I'm alive again
show me the places
where I can forget your name"
	--Vast, "I Don't Have Anything" (Music For People)

********

[The following day]

Haru's mother almost covered her surprise when she opened the front door and
found Rin standing there.  "Isuzu-" an instant's hesitation while she groped for
an honorific "-san."  Rin sighed inwardly.  Haru had never been sure how much
his parents suspected about their relationship, but Rin guessed that they'd had
some idea.

"I heard Hatsuharu wasn't well," she replied, bowing and realizing belatedly
that she'd forgotten to apply an honorific at all.  His mother looked at her,
obviously trying to decide whether it would be good for Haru to see her or not. 
"May I see him?  I won't be long."

"Who did you hear that from?"

"Shigure.  He told me what he knew about what happened."

"Who told him?"

"He said he'd been talking to Yuki and Hatori."  Waiting was making Rin nervous;
deciding to come had been hard enough without the added delay.  She refused to
admit to herself that it was possible she'd be turned away.

There was a thoughtful pause, and then the door opened wider.  Rin went inside,
unlaced her boots, and stepped out of them, waiting to be directed to Haru's
room.  She remembered perfectly well where it was, but it seemed only polite to
wait.  Haru's mother looked closely at her, and then nodded down the hallway.

"Last door on the right."  Rin nodded back and started walking.  "Isuzu-san. 
Can you tell me what _did_ happen?"

Rin stood very still for a moment.  "Don't ask me that."

"Please.  I've never seen him like this.  Hatori-san's been keeping him
sedated."

Rin flinched.  "I only know what Gure-nii said.  Haru's the only one who knows
what happened to him."  She winced--first she'd forgotten the honorific, and now
she'd lost all pretense of formality.

There was a long silence, but she was reluctant to move again without the
tension breaking.  Finally, "I'll leave you two alone."  And then, as if the
words were painful but had to be said: "Don't hurt him."  Quick footsteps moved
away, and Rin was alone in the hallway.  She lifted a hand to smooth her hair,
and found that it was shaking.  She leaned against the wall until she was able
to compose herself, and then walked down the hall to Haru's room.

There was no answer to her light knock, and after a moment she slid the door
open and stepped inside.  The room was dim, and she let her eyes adjust as she
closed the door again.  Haru was lying on the bed, curled onto his side; his
eyes were closed, his lips moving slightly.  After a moment she realized he was
listening to a CD through a headset.  She stood still and looked at him,
drinking in the smooth lines of his body with her eyes.

Other than the bandages on his arms, he looked almost normal at first glance. 
He wasn't wearing a shirt, or any jewelry other than his earrings; the
unfamiliar bareness of his hands and throat made him look strangely vulnerable,
as if he'd laid aside a subtle armor.  Rin braced herself and padded over to the
bed.  Before she could decide whether to sit beside him or touch his arm, his
eyes flickered open.

They simply stared at each other for a long moment.  Haru slid the earphones
off, but left the music on; nothing she recognized, but she guessed he didn't
want complete silence any more than she did.

"Gure-nii called me," she finally said.  Haru blinked up at her and said
nothing.  *Hatori-nii's been sedating him,* she reminded herself.  "He told me
you've been missing school."

"Only today and yesterday afternoon," he said, the words blurring 
together slightly.  "Is the whole family gossiping?"

"Not that I know of.  Gure-nii always knows more than anyone else."

"What'd he say?"

"He said Yuki told him that a girl at school made you go Black, and that you
freaked her out."  Haru's eyes shadowed with a vicious edge, and she waited
until it passed.  Shigure had added that the girl was mostly unhurt, and Rin had
been vaguely surprised; her feelings for Haru had never blinded her to his
capacity for brutality.  "Tell me what happened."  She took his hand between
hers, chafing it gently.  He felt like ice.

"Sounds like you know what happened."

"I heard a third-hand version," she corrected.  "Tell me."

"She touched me," Haru said flatly.  "She wasn't you."

"She wasn't . . ?"

He turned his head to look directly at her for the first time since she'd
arrived.  "You're the only person I want touching me.  I have to let Akito--not
like _that_, but--"  Rin nodded.  "She wasn't you," Haru repeated, looking away
again, down at his hand in hers.  "When she touched me all I could feel was that
she wasn't you, and that made it so much worse--I thought if I hadn't been
thinking about you I might not have hurt her--"  His breath was coming raggedly
now.  "I decided to ask Tori-nii what would happen if I forgot you."

"If you--"  Rin bit back an instinctive cry of denial.

"I don't want to," Haru said.  "But sometimes you're all I can think about, and
it hurts, and I think I wouldn't have done that to her . . . I'm scared.  Her
skin felt like I could have ripped it apart, and I wanted to."  The words came
pouring out, inexorable; Rin pressed her hand over her mouth to keep from
covering his, made herself listen.  "She deserved what I actually did, but I
wanted to kill her.  For not being you."  He lay still again, as if she weren't
there.  "Yuki and Kyo came--I don't know how they knew--and got us apart.  Kyo
pried my hands open and took her back inside, and Yuki stayed with me until
Tori-nii came.

"Rin, I'm sorry."

"For what?" she asked.

His gaze shifted to the ceiling.  "For still wanting you like this.  And I--that
time when I kissed you, by Sensei's place . . .  I didn't know what it felt
like, having--another person touch you when you don't want it.  It feels
horrible.  I'm sorry."

"Haru--"

"Thanks for checking on me."  The careful words were heavy with finality.

"Haru!"  She reached out and touched his cheek, making him look at her.  "You
have _never_ made me feel the way she made you feel.  Never."  His eyes were
blank with the emptiness she had seen him direct at others, but never at her. 
It hurt.  "Haru.  Damn it, _look_ at me!"  He focused slowly, and she swallowed,
steeling herself.  "I kissed you back," she whispered.  "You know I did."

"Habits die hard," he replied.

"Maybe," she said, and leaned over to kiss him, pouring everything she could
into it.  Everything she couldn't say: *I love you,* and *please, please
understand . . . *  Neither of them moved to touch the other anywhere else, but
his lips parted under hers, returning the caress.  She kissed him slowly and
thoroughly, only lifting her head after tracing every contour of his mouth--lips
and teeth and tongue and soft inner cheeks, all just as she had left them.  The
feel of him kissing her back, even sedated and shaken, made her knees weak.

She closed her eyes and rested her forehead against his.  "You really asked
Hatori-nii about forgetting me?"

"Do you want me to?"

"It might be better for you--" she said, forcing the words out.

"That's not what I asked."  A silence.  "Do you want to forget me?"

The thought made her curl up a little.  "No."  Her breath hitched painfully as
she sat up.  "No.  Never, never, never."

For several minutes the only sound in the room was the faint music still coming
from the headset, and then even that stopped.  "Where did she touch you?" Rin
asked.  Haru flushed and looked away.  "Oh."  She imagined, briefly, having a
stranger do the same thing to her, and her stomach twisted.  She wondered if
Haru was like her, if the memory of people's hands on him lingered almost
tangibly.  She rested a tentative hand on his abs, feeling the sleek skin and
the powerful muscles under it.  *If his mother comes . . . *  But no, she'd said
she would leave them alone.  Rin inhaled slowly, trying to shape the question
she wanted to ask.  "Haru--"

"Please," he whispered back, reading her mind through the haze of sedation and
the emotional wall she'd forced up between them.  The weight of his
understanding was crushing.  Very gently she slid her hand lower, outside his
clothing.  The angles of his body had changed slightly, as he continued to
mature.  Without her.  Her fingers curved protectively against his genitals, and
she shivered when he hardened under her palm.  A slow, answering ache stirred
inside her own body, but she kept her hand still, willing her touch to imprint
itself onto his skin.

When she finally took her hand away she lowered her head, unable to pretend that
he didn't know she was trembling.  If he had reached up at that moment and
pulled her onto the bed with him, she would have taken him back into her arms
and her body--anything to heal his hurt and her own shattering loneliness.

Haru took one of her hands and brought it close to his eyes, every bone and
tendon subject to his scrutiny.  "Her hands weren't anything like yours."  A
faint smile.  "You have the most wonderful wrists."  He touched the hospital
bracelet she hadn't removed, examined it and circled her wrist easily with his
fingers, stroking the too-prominent bone.  "Tori-nii signed you out?"

"Just for the afternoon."

He sat up without letting go of her, and pressed his fingertips against her
body, just under her left breast.  He traced her ribcage slowly, one sharp bone
at a time.  "Has it been helping?"

"Yes," she admitted, shuddering even as she shook her head.  "Don't worry about
me right now.  I'm going back tonight."

"Rin--"

"Please don't say anything."  She brought her hands up to cradle his face, and
he let the weight of his head rest in her palms.

"I won't forget you," he whispered.  "I don't know if Tori-nii would've done it,
anyway, but . . . I won't."  He leaned away from her, and she nodded slowly as
she stood, accepting the dismissal.

"Go back as soon as you can," she said as she walked to the door.  "You're too
strong to stay like this."

"I will."

Rin nodded and left the room.


********
"You trace the taste of yesterday the bruise upon my lip
You touch my eyes and hypnotize and slip inside my heart
I wait for this forever but we always fall apart"
	--The Glove, "Punish Me With Kisses" (Blue Sunshine)

********

Rin slid the door closed behind her and leaned against it, breathing carefully. 
When she felt she had herself back under control, she pushed away and walked
down the hallway toward the entrance.  As she was sliding her boots on, Haru's
mother came up beside her and stood there, radiating anxiety.

"I think he'll be all right," Rin said, trying to sound unworried.

"That's good to hear."

"Thanks for letting me stop by."  Rin straightened up and reached for the door.

"Isuzu-san."  She dropped her hand and turned back, carefully controlling her
expression.  "May I ask you something?"

Rin froze, tried to keep her wariness off her face as she replied.  "If you
want."

"What exactly is your relationship with my son?  Why did you come?"

"We're family," Rin said, after a hesitation that went on a moment too long.  To
cover it, she added, "and Jyuunishi.  I wanted to make sure he was ok."

"And that's all, is it?"  The suspicion in the older woman's eyes made Rin shift
uncomfortably, and the sigh that followed told her it had just become certainty.
 "Is he your boyfriend?"

The casual word, with its implications--dates and blushes and walking safely
down a sidewalk holding hands--might have made her tear up months before, when
it had almost been true.  But she had avoided the word even then.  It had never
felt like the right thing to say about him, not when what they'd shared had been
so different from what her classmates giggled about.  Secret glances; a physical
relationship that had gone from nervous to desperately intense; the need to pour
everything into each other; the edge of fear lurking under every moment they
spent together, but unable to stay apart . . .  If his mother had ever caught
her and Haru kissing, or worse, and had asked her the same question then, she
would probably have given the same answer.

"No, he's not my boyfriend."

"I don't believe you."

Rin opened the door.  "What you believe doesn't matter."

"Isuzu-san.  I want to understand what's happened to my child."

"He's not a child."

"Well, no, but he's always looked older than he-"

"He's not a child," Rin repeated.  "I'm not talking about his body."

"And you'd know, would you?"

"You'd know yourself if you spent any time trying to understand him," Rin shot
back, ignoring the flush she could feel in her cheeks.  Hot anger surged up,
tightening her throat with fear--anger wasn't allowed, anger wasn't safe--and
she shoved the tiny, scared voice away.  "Even if he ever told you what
happened, you'd never understand."

"You make it sound as if I don't love him!"

The anger was almost choking.  "How much can you love someone you don't know?"

They stared at each other in the sudden silence that fell.  Rin watched Haru's
mother bite back a sharp response, and tried to calm herself.  She wondered if
Haru could hear them from his room.

"Explain yourself."

"I have to get back to the hospital.  Hatori-nii will be looking for me soon,
and--"

"Please.  I want to know what you meant."

Rin hesitated, and then shook her head slowly.  "You have no idea what it means
that he's Jyuunishi.  All his life, you've ignored it."  The anger came to life
again as she spoke, and it gave her the will to explain, not caring if she was
being hurtful.  "You try so hard to treat him as if he's normal, when you both
know he's not.  And he lets you do it because he looks at the rest of us and
only thinks of how lucky he is to have parents who accept him at all.  But you
don't know him, and treating him the way you do means you never will."  Her
hands clenched, and she tried to relax them.

"I'm always aware that he lives under the curse."

"When's the last time you hugged him?" Rin retorted.  A small breeze was coming
through the open door, cooling the warmth in her face.  "How long has it been
since you saw his other body?"

"He is not an animal!"

Rin stared at her.  "Of course he's not.  None of us are."

"I won't treat him like one."

"You think hugging him is treating him like an animal?"  Rin let the question
hang, and watched the older woman's growing discomfort.  "We all grew up
watching each other and each other's parents, you know.  How they looked at us. 
What they thought."

"And what did I think?"  The defensive note wasn't quite suppressed.

"Haru's three months younger than Momiji.  By the time he was born it was
already starting to be obvious that Momiji's mom wasn't ever going to accept
him, wasn't it?  And you watched her falling apart, and you were quietly proud
that you weren't like that with _your_ baby.  That you were able to treat him as
if he were normal."  Haru's mother flushed and then paled as Rin spoke.  Rin's
anger at the questioning had gone cold; she watched the hurt and worry deepening
on the other woman's face, and suddenly felt exhausted.  "I have to go."  She
stepped outside, and just before she closed the door, Haru's mother spoke again.

"Isuzu-san, what did you say to him?  You said you thought he'll be all right,
and--"

"I didn't hurt him," Rin said quietly.  "You wouldn't understand anything more
than that."  She closed the door behind her without waiting for a response.

********

After Rin had gone, Haru's mother sat down and stared out the window, too lost
in thought to be aware of the time until she heard Haru's bedroom door slide
open.  The slight unsteadiness of his footfalls reminded her to check her watch.
 It was an hour past when Hatori had told her to give him the last dose of the
sedatives he'd left--only half as much as the previous one.  She sighed and went
to find her son.

She found him rinsing his face in the bathing room, water trickling from his
hair and over his forehead.  "Haru, Hatori-san said you should take another dose
of medicine."  He lifted his head and looked at her.

"I'm not sure I want any more," he said.  He held one hand in front of his eyes,
and they both watched it trembling.  "I want to think."

"Half an hour alone with Isuzu-san and suddenly you're all right again?"  The
words were sharper than she'd intended, and she found herself on the receiving
end of one of Haru's fully-focused gazes for the first time in longer than she
wanted to think about.  She had forgotten how eerie his eyes could be.

"Not really, but I'm _thinking_ again," he replied.  He trailed his fingers
through the water in the sink, then ran them over the back of his neck.  "Did
she say something to you?"

"I asked her about you," she admitted.

"What did she say?"  The tense stillness that settled on him made her wish she
had lied.

"She--did seeing her really help?"  A slow, cautious nod.  It occurred to her
that this was the closest they'd come to a meaningful conversation in a long
time.  School and meals were safe topics that she had stuck to in hopes of
maintaining normalcy.  *She was right.  I don't know him.*

"It's not something I want to talk about," Haru said, and she discovered that
she'd been standing and looking at him in silence.

"You don't have to."

He smiled slightly, and she realized he'd misunderstood.  "I'm gonna go lie down
again.  Still a little dizzy."  He moved away from the sink and wobbled
slightly, and she caught his arm.  He stared at her in surprise.

"Your father and I have been very worried," she said quietly.  "I--I know we
haven't said much, but we have been."

"Rin _did_ say something to you."

"She did.  She told me something I didn't want to hear."

"Hmm?"  His eyes flickered with curiosity.

She put a hand on his shoulder and wondered when exactly his body had filled out
to match his height.  When she didn't say anything else he cocked his head at
her, silently questioning.  "We _do_ love you.  Very much."

"I know that," Haru replied, standing still under her hand.  He was tensing as
he waited for her to continue.

*Like a well-trained animal waiting to bolt,* she thought, and the word _animal_
stymied her.  *My son is not an animal.*  She willed her other arm to move, to
embrace him, and stood paralyzed instead.  It had been almost twelve years since
the last time she'd hugged him; she remembered it with painful clarity.  It had
been summer; Haru had just turned five; she had found him sobbing in his room
after one of the adults had teased him.  "Come here," she'd said, and the
shaking child had stumbled into her arms and transformed.

"What is it?" Haru asked quietly, and the sharp contrast between the tearful
child in her memory and the steady, rich voice he'd developed--when?--made her
break the contact with him.

"It's nothing."  *It's too late.*  She reached back out and patted his hand as
she usually did, aware of how ineffectual it was.  "Get some rest."

Haru nodded and walked away, and she waited until his door slid closed before
turning to gaze at herself in the mirror.  She found that she couldn't meet her
reflection's eyes.

********

[The next day]

Haru was staring into the mirror when the door slid open behind him.  A flash of
yellow uniform made his heart skip a beat before he recognized the footsteps. 
Rin was graceful, but her steps were firm; Kisa's movements could only be heard
in total silence, like a breath moving across the floor.

"Morning, Tigress," he said as he turned to face her, leaning back against the
dresser.  Kisa turned scarlet, and he felt bad for teasing her, knowing
immediately it had been an effort to compensate for his own lack of peace. 
Despite her embarrassment she straightened and stared up at him.  At least the
difference between their heights didn't bother her, as long as he let her stay
on the ground.  Golden eyes blinked and then looked stern.

"Hatori-ojiichan said you were going back to school today," she said in the soft
voice that only strengthened the illusion of her being a little girl. 
"Momiji-nii told me."  She hesitated, then added, "He's waiting for you
downstairs."

Haru grimaced and tugged at the cuff of his uniform sleeve.  "I'm going," he
replied.  Kisa padded over and pushed it back an inch, lifting it off his skin
when he hissed at the feeling of the fabric moving over the scratches Fusae had
left.

Her eyes tracked up his arms and she frowned.  "All the way up?"  He nodded and
she peered more closely at the injuries.  "Why aren't you bandaged?"

"The worst ones are.  If I wear bandages all the way down it looks like I cut my
wrists."  His voice was edged more than he'd intended, and Kisa looked up at him
again.  "And I'm not going to hide it.  If anyone wants to make something of it,
they can."

"Are you ready to leave?"  She sighed.  "You'll be late.  _I_ can't carry _you_,
Haru-nii."

Haru smiled in spite of himself, and she relaxed a little.  "You're tougher when
you're worried about someone else, aren't you, kitten?" he asked.  She blushed
again, and this time he didn't feel guilty.  He tousled her hair and headed for
the door, and she followed him out and down the stairs to where Momiji was
chattering cheerfully with his parents.

"I'm leaving now," he said, distracting them.  His mother immediately turned and
touched his upper arm in the light, fluttering way she had when she was worried.

"Are you sure you're ready?" she asked, maintaining the touch longer than usual.

"Mm," he responded, nodding.  "It's not gonna get easier."

"Be careful," his father put in while Haru and Kisa put their shoes on, and the
subtext was clear: *Don't fight.*  That was their shared message, for as long as
he could remember.  *Don't let yourself get hurt.  Don't hurt anyone else.* 
Enough childhood incidents gave the two sides of the coin equal weight.

"I will," was all he said, and then he, Kisa, and Momiji were out the door and
away, into the comfort of being alone with other members of the Jyuunishi.  Even
when the Cursed fought each other, the underlying bond offered reassurance that
no one else could.  It was why Rin stayed with Kagura despite the fact that the
two girls so rarely had anything to say to each other, and why Hatori had taken
Momiji in despite his own youth.  Usually Haru didn't feel an overwhelming need
for it, but he savored it now.

When they turned the first corner after leaving the Main House, Yuki and Kyo
materialized and fell into silent step with them.  The unspoken support drew out
one of Haru's slight, private smiles.

A few blocks later Kisa broke away to head for her own school.  She gave Haru a
quick smile, started to say something, and darted forward to hug him instead. 
The top of her head barely reached the middle of his chest, and he knelt to
return the hug.  When he straightened back up she turned and hurried away
without a word, waving back at the four of them as she turned a corner and was
gone.

Before they started walking again, Yuki shot a quick glance across the street,
drawing their attention to the schoolmates standing there watching.  Haru sighed
as they moved on, away from the stares.  "Have people been talking a lot?"

"Mostly in our class," Kyo replied.  "Ozaki hasn't said much, but word got
around."

"No one knows what happened," Momiji chirped.

"She said she'd tell the teachers I attacked her," Haru said.  "But Mom said the
only calls from the school were from the shrink.  And they didn't suspend me or
anything."  He shrugged.  "I don't care too much what the other students think."

"At least the other girls'll probably leave you alone for a while," Kyo said
bluntly.

They walked the rest of the way in silence, and found Tohru waiting for them at
the gate, her cheerful face awkward with worry.  "Hatsuharu-san!" she called
when she saw them.

"Good morning, Honda-san," he replied politely.

Her eyes landed on his wrists and she winced.  "Are you feeling better?" she
asked.  Without waiting for a reply, she added, "One of you in the hospital is
too many already."

"She's been visiting Rin," Yuki murmured.

"You have?" Haru asked Tohru in surprise.  "I thought she was refusing
visitors."

"Just men," Tohru said.

"Ah."  Haru closed his eyes and wondered if Rin's visiting him meant that she
would have changed her restrictions.  He remembered the feel of her mouth on
his, the mix of comfort and tension, and decided that she was probably even less
willing to see him than she had been.  "I'm glad you're spending time with her."

"Isuzu-san is wonderful to talk to," Tohru replied.  She sounded as if she were
going to continue, but fell silent abruptly.

Haru glanced up just as Yuki said "Ozaki-san!" in a sharp voice, and took a step
forward.

"What d'you want, Ozaki?" Kyo asked suspiciously.

"I want to explain to Hatsuharu-kun," the girl began, coming to a stop in front
of them, but the look Haru gave her silenced her.  She stared at him and bit her
lip.  "I want to apologize, then."  She took a hesitant step toward them and
stopped when Haru's fist clenched.  She took a deep breath and bowed low before
she spoke again, using starkly formal speech.  "This one regrets her actions,
and begs forgiveness for the insult offered."  She switched to slightly less
formal speech and risked a glance up.  "Sohma-san, I apologize for my behavior,
on my own behalf and that of my family."

Haru stared at her in cold silence, and finally Kyo said, "You didn't seem to
think you'd done anything wrong before."

Fusae winced.  "Yesterday my older brother saw the bruises on my arms and asked
me what happened.  I told him."  She looked away from them.  "He told me I'd
behaved like an aggressive whore."

"Sounds about right," Haru said.

"I'm sorry.  Will you accept my apology?"

"No."  Out of the corner of his eye Haru saw Momiji and Tohru wince in perfect
unison.  "I won't hurt you if you accidentally get too close.  But don't try
talking to me again, Sempai.  There's nothing I want to hear from you."  He kept
a careful rein on the whisper of Blackness that licked around the edge of his
voice, and turned away.  His family followed when he walked toward the school.

Tohru hurried and caught up with them and tried to fall into step with him. 
After several strides he sighed and slowed enough that she wasn't jogging to
keep pace.  "Some things aren't forgivable, Honda-san."

"Maybe not right away, but--"

"No," he said, surprising himself with his own gentleness as he stopped and
faced her.  "It won't hurt anyone in the long run if I don't forgive her--we
don't know each other, and we won't ever be classmates or anything.  Maybe
knowing she can't get off so easily will make her think twice next time."

Tohru frowned.  "Is that why you're not forgiving her, or is that how you tell
yourself it's ok not to?"  She looked around at the other Sohmas, wide-eyed with
distress.  "Do the rest of you think that way too?"

There was a long silence, and finally Yuki said, "Honda-san, if there are people
in our own family we can't forgive, why would we treat outsiders differently?"

"Kyo-kun?"

"I don't know what Ozaki did, exactly, but Haru's right.  Things have happened
that I can't forgive, so why should he be any different?"

"But it hurts you," she said.  Silence.  "You _know_ it hurts you, so why . . ?"
 She trailed off and sighed, not willing to push the issue when it was so raw. 
"Hatsuharu-san, I'm glad you're back.  Will you come visit sometime soon?"  The
additional invitation to talk to her was implicit, and Haru replied to both.

"We'll see how it goes, Honda-san.  Thanks."  Tohru nodded slowly and headed
away toward school.  Kyo and Yuki followed her after Haru waved them on and
said, "I'll be fine between here and there."

When they were gone Momiji shook his head.  "You know she's right."

"That doesn't mean I can do it," Haru replied.

"If that girl did something trivial, then you should be able to forgive her,"
Momiji said thoughtfully.  "You don't hold stupid grudges.  But if she did
something that changed you, then she's made you who you are now.  Who you are
now is still good, Haru."

*And Rin came to me for the first time in months.*  Haru rubbed one wrist
lightly, ignoring the twinge from the scratches, and remembered the feel of her
hand touching him protectively. More than the memory of her kiss, that touch
left him with more hope than he had had for a while.   "I don't know," he said
finally.

Momiji smiled and tugged on his hand.  "Yes, you do.  Let's get to class and get
the facing-people over with, ok?"  He sighed a little as they started walking. 
"Yuki's got a scary amount of influence, you know.  He made it obvious that he
didn't think you'd done anything wrong, and a lot of people believed him."  He
laughed.  "A couple of people said he was biased 'cause you're family, but
everyone knows how he and Kyo are . 
. . "

Haru half-tuned Momiji's chatter out, but the sound of it was vaguely comforting
on its own.  He deliberately thought of Fusae for a moment, and found that the
calm from his family had begun to balance the fury that instinctively rose.  He
shoved it down and adjusted a ring thoughtfully.

As they entered the building several students shot him curious looks, but few of
them were hostile.  Some were wary, but that wasn't new.  Haru met their eyes
steadily and kept walking.

********

Fruits Basket is the creation of Takaya Natsuki, and is licensed in North
America by FUNimation (anime) and Tokyopop (manga).  Used without permission or
the intention of making a profit.  Please support the original work!

"Inviolate" © 2004-2005 by Ysabet MacFarlane (ba087@chebucto.ns.ca).
Edited by Alishya Lane.
Momiji's German dialogue translated by Mouse.

This takes place sometime after chapter 81 and well before chapter 95.

Comments and criticism welcomed at the above address.

This story may be reproduced and archived so long as the original text is
preserved and the author's name and contact information remain attached. 
Notifying the author of any such use is an appreciated courtesy.  NO CHANGES OF
ANY KIND ARE PERMITTED.