[Very short Author's Notes at the midway point of the novel:  With the manga
being an ongoing work, this is a hazardous fandom to write for.  For anyone
keeping track of such things, the first draft of this novel was finished at
about the time chapter 75 or so of the manga was coming out.  As I write this,
chapter 102 is about to show up in Hana to Yume.  Some later manga elements were
incorporated during rewrites, but there's no illusion that this story fits into
canon.  Detailed notes on the novel in general are available on my website, 
(http://bounce.to/ysabet); their current URL is 
(http://ysabet.velvetangel.net/Fanfics/Innocence_authornotes.html), but I do move things
around from time to time.

And while I'm breaking the fourth wall (it won't happen again) . . .  Although I
credit her in every chapter, I also want to thank my editor, Alishya Lane, for
the time and effort she's put into helping me polish this and my other Fruits
Basket fanfiction.  She's gone far above and beyond with the practical and
emotional support she's provided on this project, and is tremendously
appreciated.]

********
The Ceremony of Innocence
a Fruits Basket fanfic by Ysabet MacFarlane (ba087@chebucto.ns.ca)

Chapter Six: Mirrors [6/10]
********

*************************
Three months later - June
*************************

Yuki was sitting on the steps with Tohru when the phone rang, watching her read.
 She had immersed herself completely in the book, her eyes tracking steadily
across the pages.  Reading for pleasure wasn't something she had done much of
before, but the hours that school had once occupied and the ache of Kyo's
absence both had to be filled.  She worked longer shifts at her cleaning job,
but they barely made a dent in the extra time she now had on her hands.  She had
already worked her way through Shigure's collection of 'fun' novels and had
moved on.

He rested a hand on her shoulder and she took it in hers, glancing up at him. 
He shook his head slightly, not wanting to interrupt her.  She smiled at him,
tilted her head to rest her cheek on their joined hands, and continued to read. 
She had been far more tactile with him since Kyo had left the household, no
longer needing to balance her affection between them.

It almost made up for the shadow of sadness that hung over her now.  But not
quite.

Behind them, Shigure cleared his throat.  "Yuki-kun, that was Rin on the phone."

"Oh?"

"She wants you to meet her downtown in an hour."

Yuki stared at him blankly.  "Did she say why?"

Shigure only shrugged.  "Who can say with her?"

"What does she want?" Yuki muttered out loud.  "I suppose you told her I'd be
there."

"Of course."  Shigure looked affronted.  "I don't refuse girls without a very
good reason."

"Fine."  Yuki tried to suppress his irritation.  He squeezed Tohru's hand and
released it.  "If she didn't say what she wants, I guess I don't know when I'll
be home."

"If you're not here for supper I'll save some for you," Tohru told him.  The
warmth in her eyes mellowed him a bit.

"Thank you, Honda-san."

"Tohru-kun and I will be fine, don't worry," Shigure said cheerfully.

Yuki sighed.  "I wasn't worried until you said that."

"Rin said she'd meet you at the noodle shop by Tohru-kun's workplace."

"How does she know where I work?" Tohru wondered.

"The way Momiji talks, he's probably told everyone a hundred times that you work
in one of his father's buildings," Yuki said, standing up.  "I'm leaving now."

"Come home safely," Tohru replied, taking the ritual exchange as seriously as
always.  Over two years after her mother's death, Yuki suspected she was still
stricken by her failure to say the familiar words that last time.  He grazed the
top of her head with his fingertips and went inside to get ready to go.

********

Rin was waiting for him when Yuki walked into the tiny noodle shop.  He felt the
usual vague stab of disapproval when he saw her, more effectively covered by her
hair than by her skintight clothes.  She looked up and saw him almost at once,
appraised him in return as he approached her table.  Her eyes had the too-bright
feral quality that many of the Jyuunishi shared, something dangerous in them
craving release.  He saw it in both Kyo and Kagura, in Haru when he surrendered
to his Black aspect, increasingly in Hiro as he grew up, occasionally even in
Shigure.  He had never asked anyone if he possessed it himself.  She glanced
away from him and waved to a waiter, who nodded and started fussing behind the
counter.

"You like taro, right?" she asked as Yuki sat down.  He blinked in surprise and
nodded.  "I thought I remembered that."  The waiter came over and set drinks
down in front of them, accepted Rin's money with a bow, and left again.  Yuki
peered at his: murky purple bubble tea.  Across from him, Rin began drinking
hers.  He caught the scent of mango as she set it down and exhaled slowly.  Yuki
picked his glass up and sipped, drawing the small black balls between his teeth
and crushing them before swallowing.

"Thank you."  He hesitated for a moment before deciding to be direct.  "What can
I do for you, Rin?"

She swirled her straw in her tea, watching the pearls bump into each other.  "I
came to make you an offer, but I'd like to talk to you first."

"What about?"

She shrugged.  "Anything."  Her expression was carefully neutral.  "We haven't
talked in years."

Yuki tactfully refrained from pointing out that he couldn't remember her
uttering more than a few words to him in recent years that hadn't been
antagonistic, or ever expressing any particular interest in him at all.  "What
brought this on?"

"I was wondering how things were going with Kyo gone."

"It's a lot quieter," he said without thinking.  "Shigure's the same as always. 
And Honda-san, she . . . " he trailed off.

"Hmm?" Rin prompted.

"Sometimes I hear her crying at night," Yuki said.  "She usually seems happy
during the day, but she's good at pretending that things are fine.  And she
looks sad when she thinks we're not looking."

"What about you?  Do you miss him?"

"No," he said, but even as he spoke he knew he'd answered too quickly.  Rin
quirked an eyebrow at him and drank some more tea.  "But Honda-san misses him so
much that I wish he was still around."

"Are you involved with her?" she asked.

"Um . . . " he hesitated, feeling awkward.  "I'm not sure."

Rin leaned forward, propping her elbows on the table and resting her chin on her
hands.  "Well, she knows you're in love with her, right?"

He shifted uncomfortably.  "That's kind of personal, Rin."

"I know."  She met his gaze squarely, her own eyes revealing nothing.  "But you
can trust me."

"You're a fine one to talk," he said, suddenly wanting to get away. "You've
never trusted anyone a day in your life."

She whitened.  "That's not true," she replied quietly.  "And you have to talk to
somebody."  She twisted a long tendril of hair around her fingers.  "All of us
have to start somewhere."

They stared at each other across the table for a long time.  Finally, Yuki said,
"I think she knows.  Kyo and I used to think that she didn't really know how
either of us felt, but we were wrong."

Rin nodded thoughtfully.  "Is she in love with you?"

"I think so . . . maybe?"  He drank some tea, letting the pearls roll around his
mouth while he thought.

"Hmm."  She gave him a hard look, and he blinked at her.  "Have you had sex with
her?"  She asked it so matter-of-factly that it took him a moment to process the
question, and then his face started burning.

"Rin!"  He couldn't remember the last time anyone had made him blush.  For
someone he barely knew, he thought, she had an amazing knack for knowing how to
manipulate him.

She shrugged a little.  "I'll take that as a no.  Which leads to the important
question: do you know how?  With her being an ordinary girl, and you being . . .
what we are, do you know what to do?"

"I . . . hadn't thought about it too much."  He answered seriously despite his
embarrassment.  "I tried not to think about it much before Kyo left, and then
she . . . she slept with him, and I still tried not to think about it."  It was
easier to talk about than he would have thought; Rin was listening intently.  "I
don't want to assume that--that she'd want to sleep with me just because she did
with him."

"That's fair," Rin said.  "But think about it now.  Do you know how to be safe
with her?"  She smiled a bit raggedly, her eyes suddenly focused on something he
couldn't see.  "It's not as, I don't know, smooth, as people make it sound." 
She blinked and was looking at him again.

"I don't know," he replied slowly.

"Well."  She reached up and gathered her hair in her hands, twisting it into a
single rope.  "As I said, I thought I'd make you an offer."  She drank the last
of her tea, drawing the remaining pearls up through the straw.  Yuki watched her
warily as she swallowed them.  Her civility was disconcerting; it made him
wonder what she was hiding behind it.

"What is it?"

Rin met his eyes again.  "Come back to Kagura's house with me for a while, and I
can give you some idea of what to do and what to avoid."  A corner of his mind
noticed that she hadn't referred to the house as 'home'; he tried to remember
how many years she'd lived there.  When he hesitated, she shrugged slightly. 
"It might save you some awkwardness later."

After another minute, he nodded.  "All right."  *What harm can another
embarrassing conversation do?*

********
"But do I hate what she is
or do I want to be her
And don't we love something fresh
Anything new, virgin

So then Love walked up to Like
and said I know that you don't like me much
Let's go for a ride"
			--Tori Amos, "Cooling" (b-side, From the Choirgirl Hotel)
********

Yuki sat motionless while Rin kissed him, his eyes squeezed shut as he tried to
memorize what she was doing.  She was demonstrating a wider array of techniques
than he'd thought of, working up from the barest brush of her lips against his
to a deep kiss that explored more of his mouth than he was quite comfortable
with.  He thought about stopping her, even as he tried to mimic the small nips
and tongue flicks she was showing him.  The warmth of her body against his was
both distracting and comforting.

"Well."  She pulled back from him a bit, licked his lips and then her own, and
looked thoughtful.  Their faces were close enough that he could see her pupils
dilating.  "I think you'll do fine with a bit of practice."  She stood up,
pulling him with her, then calmly steered him halfway down the short hallway to
her bedroom before he stopped.

"Rin, why the bedroom?"

She gave him an amused look over her shoulder.  "That's where the bed is."

"But--"

"Yuki.  Trust me."  Rin started walking again, and he followed nervously.  She
shut the door behind them and pulled the curtains closed, dropping the room into
dimness before sitting on the edge of the bed.  She tugged her slippers off and
flexed her bare feet.  "Ok.  Are you taking notes?"  Her smile was teasing but
held a shadow of uncertainty.  Somehow that made him feel better, even as it
reminded him how little he actually knew her.

Not blushing took more self-control than he'd anticipated when taking her up on
her offer, watching as she slid off the bed and knelt by it, beckoned him over
and positioned him carefully behind her.  She took his hands and set the right
one on her hip and the other on the edge of the bed.  "You always have to pay
attention," she explained.  "Your left hand is for balance, and the right is to
maximize contact; if you think there's any chance of losing your balance or
control, move it to the bed too.  Like this you can touch her back or her hair
while keeping your arm between you.  It's pretty safe."  She turned around and
sat on the bed again.  "Having her lie face down is similar but riskier," she
continued.

Yuki nodded to let her know he was paying attention.  The warmth radiating from
her skin was both distracting and disconcerting; her physical closeness made him
edgy in a way he couldn't quite identify.

An odd look flickered across Rin's face; for a heartbeat she stared at him,
wide-eyed and tense.  And then the look was gone, changing to a wicked gleam as
she lay on her back, her hips on the edge of the bed and her feet on the floor. 
"This works too, but you'd have to be careful of her trying to hug you if you're
ever with someone who doesn't know about the curse."  She sat back up and pulled
him from his knees to sit beside her.  "Of course, you can restrain her arms if
she's ok with it."  Yuki felt the blush he'd been suppressing take over his
face.

"Ah--"  Before he could organize his thoughts, she pushed him down on his back
and straddled his hips.  Her face was suddenly serious.  He closed his eyes,
hoping she wasn't paying attention to the independent ideas his body was
obviously getting without him.  "Rin, why do you know so much about keeping the
curse from triggering?"

Rin seemed to ignore the question.  "This can work well too, as long as she
doesn't lie down on you," she said--stretching out on him.

His throat felt very dry.  "Like this?" he asked wryly, ignoring his hips as
they shifted under her without asking his permission first.

"Like this."  She took a slow breath and let it out, so close that her
exhalation filled his lungs while he watched her.  They were of a similar height
and weight, and her body on his was surprisingly comfortable.  "It's easier to
figure it out once you've been with another Jyuunishi," she said after a moment.
 "For a while, you're constantly aware of it when you're touched in a way that
your instincts say should set the curse off."  She slid one arm under him where
his back wasn't quite flat on the bed.  He saw what she meant, and waited for
her to roll off of him.  Instead she lowered her mouth and kissed him,
tightening her grip.

When she lifted her head Yuki stared up at her.  "What happened with Haru, Rin?"

She stiffened against him, turned so that her hair fell between their faces. 
"Hatsuharu has nothing to do with this."

"Because you don't love him anymore?"

Rin met his gaze again, and he saw a denying flash of pain in her eyes. 
"Because he wouldn't mind me doing this, if he knew."  Yuki looked skeptical. 
"He'd do it himself if he thought it would help you."  She bent to kiss him
again, looked genuinely startled as he turned his head away and rolled both of
them over onto their sides.  One traitorous arm went around her waist and stayed
there, holding her against him.  Her eyes flicked down, but she didn't comment
on it.  "Tohru-san?"

"Honda-san," he confirmed.  "Rin, you know she's why I came here in the first
place."  He shook his head, confused.  "I don't understand what you're doing."

"Trust me."  She slid both of her arms around him, under his shirt; her hands
moving on his back were warm and distracting, and Yuki started to relax in spite
of himself.  He tried to feel only the warmth and not the way his entire body
was continuing to respond to it.  His eyes started to drift shut.  "Yuki," she
said, catching his attention.  "Yuki, look at me."  One hand stayed on his back,
tracing his spine; the other was on his hip--how had that happened?--and then
sliding as far down his thigh as she could reach.  He obediently looked at her,
watched her eyes as her hand moved across his leg, trying to focus through the
tingling haze that was settling into his mind.  Any moment he would stop her, he
told himself.  Any moment.  They were both still dressed; everything was fine. 
He found himself wishing that the small voices in his head would quiet down. 
One was repeating Tohru's name urgently, while another wondered if she had felt
like this with Kyo.  A third was--he ignored it.  "Yuki," Rin said again,
drawing his attention back.  "What will you do when she touches you?"

He blinked at her in confusion.  "When she . . ?"  Rin's hand was gone from his
leg, was pressed against his groin.  His body thought this was a fine idea, and
protested as the part of his mind he'd been ignoring abruptly took over.  He
heard a strangled sound of fear and barely recognized his own voice; he wrenched
violently away from her, almost choking on the terror that had boiled up inside
him with so little warning.  Rin sat up and caught his upper arms, her hands
safely outside of his clothes.  She held him against her shoulder as he shook.

"Will you be able to explain this to her?" she asked.

"How did you--"  He hated the note of fear in his voice, failed to swallow it
away.  One hand tightened on his shoulder, the other touching his hair lightly. 
Nauseated, he noticed that she was being careful not to restrain his head.

"I know Akito."  She hesitated.  "It wasn't too hard to figure out, Yuki.  He
wasn't very subtle about it."

"If you knew . . . why did you always act like you hated me?"

Rin shrugged uncomfortably.  "I didn't begin to guess anything until Haru
started visiting you in . . . in there.  Before that, you were just always with
Akito, and he seemed to like you, and my parents always wanted him to like me
and he didn't."  She exhaled slowly, as if she were fighting to stay calm. 
"Haru and I were always close.  You know he matured fast . . . he was pretty
young when Akito started treating him like he treats Gure-nii and
Hatori-nii--always touching him and teasing him--but he said you'd had it
worse."

Yuki jerked away.  "I don't know what you're talking about," he said harshly. 
"It wasn't like . . . like whatever you're thinking."

She let him go, watching the mix of anger and defensiveness play across his
face.  "What was it, then?" she asked quietly.

He didn't look at her.  "It wasn't anything," he said.  "He just . . . touched
me, just like the others, and kept me . . ."  His voice grew stronger.  "It
wasn't at bad as you're thinking.  He didn't hurt me or anything.  He was just
scared of losing me."

Rin grabbed his wrist tightly enough to make him turn back.  "Stop doing that,"
she said.  "If you're not careful you'll be defending him."

"What?"

"When you think about it, on your own, do you blame him?"  He stared at her. 
"And then if you talk about it, you find yourself talking in circles until it
seems all right somehow?"  Her voice was choked with real anger.  "Do you really
think it's _ok_ that he kept you locked up like a pet and tried to twist you so
that he was the only person you could be close to?"

"You don't know what you're talking about," Yuki whispered.

"I know that if I don't talk about what he did to me, I can almost hate him,"
Rin replied.  "But if I try to talk about it, I start to shrug it off.  I _can_
avoid it if I try hard enough, but I still don't discuss it with anyone."

"Isn't it better if we don't care?" he demanded.

"It doesn't mean we don't care," she said.  "The one time I talked to Kagura, I
found myself telling her it didn't matter, that Akito hadn't _meant_ it."  Her
voice caught.  "Inside my head I was hating him so much I felt like I couldn't
breathe, but I could hear myself saying it was ok.  He threw me out a fucking
_window_, and watched while I fell, and I told Kagura it was all right."  She
let go of Yuki's arm.  "You don't have to talk about it, but _please_ don't tell
me it's ok."

They sat in silence, her words hanging in the air between them.  Yuki remembered
how long she had been hospitalized.  Of their small household, only Shigure had
gone to see her; he and Kyo had been discouraged from going, and he hadn't
wanted to visit enough to argue.

After a few minutes, he tried again, paying close attention that what he was
saying.  "Akito . . . didn't do . . . sexual things very often, and it never
went very far.   Just touching me.  Usually he only hinted at anything else . .
.  It was just one more way to remind me that he was in control.  It was when he
was older . . . after he'd started letting me out a bit more.  I think he found
it amusing as much as anything."  It was hard to focus.  "One more way he could
twist the way I thought, to make me depend on him."

"What did you do?"

He tilted his head back to look at the ceiling.  "I told Haru about it after a
while.  He got upset, so I told him anything was better than being alone in that
room."  He looked sidelong at her.  "That was true.  And then later I went to
live with Shigure."  He fell silent.

"Does Tohru-san know about him?"

"She knows Akito scares me, but no one's explained it to her."  He drew a
shuddering breath, trying to calm himself.

"Sometimes you keep secrets from people because you love them too much," she
whispered, and he nodded slowly.

"Why did you bring me in here?" he asked, tracing circles onto her sheets with
one finger.  The memory of tearing fabric echoed in his head.

Rin sat silent beside him for a long time.  "We thought . . . Haru and I used to
talk a lot about the way Akito treats you--all of you.  He's good at letting
himself go blank when things happen that he has no control over, but he . . . 
Sometimes it still freaked him out badly.  He said it was like Akito was marking
him as his, and it was enough to make him edgy when I touched him.  And he
figured it'd probably be a lot harder for you than it was for him."

"But--"

"He thought that it would be easier for you if your first time was with another
Jyuunishi--he thought it would be better for you in the long run if you had a
chance to be with someone who understood Akito's hold on you.  If you could feel
what it's like to have a choice about being touched."

"Haru, huh?"

Rin nodded, gazing out the window through a crack in the curtains.  "He wasn't
completely happy with it, but it was his idea.  Kagura's always been so attached
to Kyo, and Kisa's still really young, so--that only left me.  I didn't much
like the idea, and he wasn't about to push it."  She pushed a stray lock of hair
off her face.  "Life would be simpler if the curse were thoughtful enough to
affect as many women as men."

"We're still an odd number," Yuki reminded her.  He felt much calmer than he
had; he even unearthed a small laugh as he added, "Rin, do you ever get the
impression that our family is close in exactly the wrong ways?"

"Well."  She looked thoughtful.  "There isn't really any serious inbreeding, I
don't think.  The family's huge, and I can't think of any close cousins who've
married.  We're, what, third cousins or something?  And really, once you think
about the odds of any children born being cursed, actual genetic problems don't
seem as threatening."

"That's all true, but it isn't really what I meant," Yuki murmured.

"I know."  Another silence fell.

"Why didn't you just explain your theory to me, and ask me about it?"

"I guess I was hoping we were wrong.  Even if we were, it would still have been
a sensible idea.  I thought.  Even if it was only for the practical knowledge,
and not for--" she flushed a little "--good associations."

"Why did you change your mind after this long?"  He looked at her closely. 
"Because you miss Haru or feel guilty for dumping him?  To do something he
thought was good?"

Rin's eyes flashed defensively.  "That's why I got in touch with you in the
first place, yes.  And then we were actually talking, and I started to think
maybe I didn't know as much about you as I'd thought.  Even when I knew about
Akito, you still always seemed so arrogant when I saw you.  Like you were better
than us.  And then today you weren't."

"Did Honda-san come into the equation at all?"

She looked uncomfortable.  "Would she have to know?"

"Yes."  There was no question in his mind about that; there were already too
many secrets.

"Would she understand?"

Yuki drew his knees up and rested his chin on them.  He had understood about her
and the cat, but that was for such different reasons.  "She was Kyo's lover
because she loves him," he said aloud.  "I told her I understood because he and
I have always known she loves both of us--hoped we could change it, but we
couldn't--and if he hadn't been taken away she would probably never have made
any kind of decision."  He tilted his face toward Rin.  "If I do anything with
you, it's because I love her, because I don't want her to have to see what you
saw.  We'd have enough challenges without it.  I don't know if that's a better
reason than hers or not.  I don't even know if you're right and it would help." 
He bit his lip in a rare display of anxiety.  "She'd probably understand as well
as I did, but I--I don't want her to feel like I did when she was with Kyo."

"But she'd know it wasn't because you're in love with me," Rin said.  "It's your
decision."

Yuki's eyes flickered with irritation.  "And now you're just ok with it either
way, because you think it's 'a good idea'?"

She stood abruptly and walked to the window, pushing a curtain aside to look
out.  "It's not like that.  It sounds bizarre because of what we're talking
about, but you're family and I care about you, even though we haven't exactly
been close.  It's not because I feel sorry for you."  She turned back to him. 
She was backlit by the sunset, dusky colors playing off her skin.  Like his, her
eyes glowed in it like an animal's.  Family.  "It'd be strange for both of us; I
still miss Haru--and don't you dare tell him that--but you seem like you might
be sweet, and you're beautiful."  She smiled a little.  "I bet you're sick of
hearing that, but you are."

"I am.  Sick of it."  He found an answering smile, and decided.  *Honda-san,
please understand.*  He unfolded from the bed and went to put his arms around
her.  For a moment they stood together looking at the sunset.  Then Rin stepped
back and started undressing.

"What do I need to know, Yuki?" she asked quietly.

He closed his eyes and carefully tried to invoke the barest shadows of memory
without letting them too close.  "Don't immobilize me," he replied, almost
inaudible.  "Don't hold my head down."

"Ok."

The rustling of clothes had stopped.  Yuki glanced up as she took his hands and
drew him back.  "What do I need to know, then?"

Her mouth quirked.  "You're a good student, I hear."

"I've heard that too."  He started to take the rest of his clothes off,
hesitated.  "What about Kagura and her mother?"

"I made sure they'd be out tonight.  In case."

He nodded and undressed slowly.  For a long moment they were both uncertain,
looking at each other.  The sunset was fading from the sky, leaving them in
darkness broken only by the glow of streetlights.  They lay down silently, Rin
taking his hand in hers and guiding him with the ghost of a touch, her hair
covering the bed like a second, black sheet.  When he touched her, he was
startled to feel the way the smoothness of her back was marred with ridges.  She
shifted so that his hands weren't touching the scars, and he was careful to
avoid them.

Given what she knew of him, she wasn't surprised when he first mimicked and then
adapted the ways she ran her fingers and mouth over him.  She touched him with
all the caution she could; he shivered against her repeatedly, and she wasn't
sure that all of the tremors were good ones, but he said nothing.  He went
completely still once when she slid her hand between his legs again, but didn't
recoil.  After a long moment when she was almost reluctant to breathe for fear
of spooking him, he relaxed a little and accepted the touch.  She was keenly
sensitive to the ways his body differed from Haru's; Yuki had such delicate
bones that he felt fragile, but when his muscles flexed against her she felt the
strength in them.  His hair was as fine and soft as an infant's, long enough to
tickle her face when she finally rolled onto her back and brought him with her.

The moon had risen early, easing the darkness around them.  Yuki's eyes were
glowing with it when she shifted her hips for him and he, after an instant's
hesitation, accepted the wordless invitation.  Despite the quiet of the room,
she barely heard the soft sound he made.  The light of his eyes winked out above
her; when she touched his face she felt the dampness of stray tears.  "Yuki,"
she whispered.  The silvery gleam reappeared.  She held him tightly against and
in her; his head dropped beside hers and she listened to the harshness of his
breathing while they lay motionless.  "You really are beautiful," she said,
forgetting for a moment that every girl he'd ever met had probably said so, and
felt him instantly tense.  Then his muscles eased again as he laughed a little.

"It runs in the family," he said, following the words with a tracing of small
licks and kisses around her ear and along her jaw, finding her mouth in the dark
and demonstrating how closely he'd been paying attention to the earlier lessons.
 His touch was already becoming more deft and certain; as he started moving
inside her, her earlier 'good student' comment came back to her.  When he lifted
his head to meet her eyes, though, she saw a trace of insecurity on his face. 
His lips moved in soundless words: _I'm afraid_.

Rin felt a pang of fear of her own, unsure whether she was really helping him. 
She tightened her arms around him, unexpectedly aching to protect an innocence
that was already gone.  The emotion unnerved her.  *We're practically the same
age,* she reminded herself.  *There was nothing else I could have done for
either of them.*  "Yuki, you're safe," she said softly.  "You won't be hurt." 
He didn't reply, but his head dropped onto her neck, the lovely soft hair smooth
against the underside of her jaw.  He clung to her, and she felt his throat
vibrate with the sound he smothered into her skin as he let himself lose
control.  His fingers dug painfully into her arm and then went slack.  She
continued to hold him while he reconstructed his legendary composure that she
had seen as arrogance.

Eventually he disentangled from her and lay beside her instead, leaning on his
arm and staring at her.  "I have a feeling that I was supposed to make you feel
like that and didn't."

Honesty demanded honesty.  "Not quite, no.  But I'll be very surprised if you
don't get the hang of it with Tohru-san.  And it was nice."  Even in the
moonlight she could see him blush.  The composure wasn't entirely restored. 
"Yuki.  Was Haru--were we right?"

His eyes half-closed.  "The practical knowledge will be useful," he admitted. 
"I see what you mean about feeling like the curse ought to be going off."

"And . . ?"

"And I didn't panic.  Quite.  But I don't know if I would have with Honda-san,
or if I won't now.  There's no way to know."  There was a long pause.  "'Nice',
huh?"

Rin smiled in relief.  "Very nice, ok?"  Somehow she hadn't pictured him
succumbing to that particular insecurity.  It reminded her again that she barely
knew him.

They stayed lying like that for a long time, each lost in thought.  The light
grew steadily brighter as the moon continued to rise.  Yuki closed his eyes and
listened to the soft sounds of the night: the occasional car on the street
outside the house, the voices of people walking by, the faint catch in Rin's
breathing.

"When did you change?" he asked, not looking at her.  Honesty seemed more
possible that way.

"Hmm?"

"There was a long time when no one could come near you without you lashing at
them," he said.  "I guess I didn't know how to approach you, but no one else
seemed to know either.  Are you still so angry?"

There was more raw pain in her low laugh than there was in most people's tears. 
"I'm still angry.  I have to be.  It's the only thing that keeps me moving
sometimes."  The sheets rustled as she rolled onto her stomach.  Yuki risked a
glance at her.  She had propped her chin up on her hands and was staring at the
headboard as if it held the secrets of the universe.

"Don't you feel it in yourself sometimes?  My soul is so old and exhausted that
I feel like it'll crumble into dust if it rests for a moment."  She stared at
the empty air.  "Maybe it's already gone."  Her gaze shifted back to him.  "I
haven't changed.  I'm just too tired to keep it up anymore."

"Will you tell me the truth about Haru?"  The words came out before Yuki could
stop them.  Her guard might never be lowered so far again, and he had been too
constantly aware of Haru's pain over her not to want to hear her side.

"The truth?"  Her head dropped back onto her arms as if it were too heavy to
hold up.  There were no tears in her eyes; there was no room in those eyes for
anything but anguish.  "I can't touch him without wanting more of him than it's
safe for anyone to give."

She fell silent abruptly.  "More than you meant to say?" Yuki asked.  He touched
her hand, and though she didn't move, he could feel her pulling away into
herself.

"Don't tell him."

"Do you really think he doesn't feel that way about you?"

A shudder ran through her body.  "Haru doesn't have much of a sense for
self-preservation."

Yuki stared at her, frozen by the quiet pain she was allowing him to see.  *Does
she live like this?  All the time?*  He squeezed her fingers gently, and she
stared at their hands as if they had no connection to her.  "I think you're
wrong," he said eventually.  "I think he knows you better than you think, and he
wants you as much as you want him."

"I'd consume him," she replied, and there was something sharply familiar about
the hopelessness in her voice.

"Shouldn't it be his choice too?" he asked quietly, unsure how to probe for the
answer he wanted.

Rin gave it to him.  "Akito said--"  The two words, spoken aloud, were all it
took; even in the moonlight he saw her blanch.  Her fingers clenched hard on
his, and he ignored the pain.

"Remember everything you told me earlier," he said.

"Akito doesn't lie."

"He doesn't know everything, either."  The tension straining her body made Yuki
ache in empathy.  He closed his eyes and tried to feel her through the subtle
bond that chained the Jyuunishi together.  The only feeling he got back was that
he shouldn't push her any further along that line of thought.  "You don't have
to think about it all at once," he said, looking at her again.  She nodded
slowly.  "Can I hug you?" he asked after a moment.

She blinked at him, a startled look lightening her expression.  "Why?"

Yuki blinked back.  Even taking the strange situation into account, there was
something odd going on that he couldn't figure out.  "You look like you could
use it," he said.

Rin hesitated, then nodded; other than that gesture of consent, she didn't move
at all.  Yuki let go of her hand and cautiously put his arms around her.  It was
awkward--he had so little experience hugging anyone, and although she wasn't
resisting, she wasn't especially cooperative.  It was as if she were a
completely different person from the girl who had so confidently said, "All
right, we'll start off with something simple," before kissing him more
thoroughly than he'd ever been kissed.  The shared stickiness of their skin was
the only sign that any of it had happened at all.

He was trying to decide if he should let her go, when she suddenly said, "I'm
not used to this either."

"You're not?"  He tried to make that make sense, and couldn't.  They looked
blankly at each other, and then she shrugged, letting her head rest on his
shoulder.

"Not with . . . anyone else," she explained, a little of the tension ebbing out
of her.  Yuki hugged her harder, and she took a slow breath, as if trying to
decide if she was enjoying the experience.  Something about the oddness clicked
into place for him.  He shook his head thoughtfully.  "What?" she asked.

He touched her hair, noticing the way it slid under his fingers.  It was like
touching water.  "I'm trying to understand," he said.  "It doesn't make sense to
me--how can having sex with someone be easier for you than letting yourself be
held?"

He could almost hear her considering it.  "It's a different kind of thing," she
replied eventually.  "Earlier, I didn't have to think much.  Once I'd made up my
mind I could let instinct do everything for me.  I think this takes more trust."

"Seems fair," Yuki said.  "You told me I should trust you."

"I--"  She bit back a sharp retort and shifted against him, resettling herself. 
"I'm letting you hug me, aren't I?"

Her flash of annoyance was comforting.  It was more like the Rin he was used to,
more familiar than the haunting pain she had let him see.

"I don't think I could have done . . . any of this with anyone else," she said
after another silence.  It was both a peace offering and a confession.  It
sounded like it hurt.  "I don't want anyone but Haru.  I never have.  I've
always felt like touching anyone but him would make me sick.  But--" she
laughed, a soft, helpless sound.  "Haru is Haru.  Honestly, I don't think
there's anything I could do that would make him feel revolted by me.  But I
felt--I still feel--if he ever touched me again, and I had let someone else
touch me--had their scent on me--I wouldn't be able to bear it.  The idea of his
revulsion.  Of my own."  She was unconsciously clenching her fingernails into
her arm; Yuki carefully pried her hand open and held onto it, wincing at the
dark marks she'd left on her skin.

"But you . . . " she continued.  "He loves you so much that I don't get that
feeling.  There's nothing he wouldn't do for you, nothing he wouldn't trust you
with.  Including me."

Neither of them said anything further for a long time, but Yuki felt Rin
gradually making herself relax.  Her death grip on his fingers loosened.  When
he judged that she had pulled herself back together, he took his hand away and
gently let go of her.  "At this point I imagine it's considered rude to tell you
that I have to go home, but I do."  He kept his voice light, trying to give her
an opening to shift back to normalcy.

"Usually," Rin replied, giving him a quick look that told him she knew what he
was trying to do.  "But I'll forgive you.  You won't make a habit of it, since
we're not making one out of this."  She slid away from him and got up, gathering
her hair and pinning it up around the crown of her head with a handful of combs
from her bedside.  She draped a robe around herself and leaned against the door
frame while Yuki dressed.  "You'll probably want to take a bath as soon as you
get home if you don't want Shigure to know all about this."

Yuki winced.  Shigure had one of the keenest noses in the family, and now that
he paid attention he realized the scent of her that was still distracting him
was as much on his own skin as on hers or the bed.  She chuckled with what
sounded like honest amusement, reading his expression.

"I'll do that."  He glanced uncertainly at the door, and she stepped aside to
let him pass.  They walked down the hall in silence.  Yuki slid his shoes on and
turned to face her.

"For that matter, I should wash my sheets before Kagura gets home," Rin said. 
"Tell Gure-nii I said hello."

"I will.  You should come to the house sometime to visit us, unless you've
changed your mind again about hating me."

She smiled at the small joke, but shook her head.  "I have no intention of going
back there for a while.  Anyway, it's probably better if we don't suddenly
become obviously friendly.  Haru would like it, but . . . "

He paled as he took her meaning.  Akito would certainly not be happy.  "Take
care of yourself," he said.  "Remember what I said, ok?  And get in touch if you
need us."

Rin nodded.  "Same to you.  See you at New Year's, if we don't run into each
other before then."  She hesitated, then stepped forward and hugged him.  She
wasn't as awkward about it as he had been, and he sighed a little, taking an
instinctive pleasure in the contact that had nothing to do with the deeper
intimacy they had just shared.  Then he laughed.  "I don't remember ever hearing
you laugh before today," Rin observed.

"It's one of the things Honda-san's been teaching me," he replied.  "And I was
just thinking, 'pleased to meet you'."  He tucked a stray strand of hair behind
her ear.  "Good luck with Haru."

Tears threatened in her eyes, but she forced them back.  "Please don't tell him
what I said?"  He nodded reluctant consent.  "Good luck with Tohru-san."  She
opened the door for him, and he went out into the night.

********

Despite watching the moon's progress across the sky as he walked home, Yuki was
still startled by how late it was when he arrived at the house and found it
almost completely dark.  He entered quietly and found the plate of supper that
Tohru had promised to save; he had to laugh when he realized she'd left
something he didn't need to heat, rather than trusting him with the stove.  He
ate quickly, surprised by how hungry he was.  *I guess I haven't actually eaten
anything in hours,* he reminded himself as he washed the plate and put it away.

Minding Rin's advice, he went into the bathing room and washed the lingering
traces of her scent away.  He debated trying to wash his clothes as well, but
decided the noise of that was more likely to attract Shigure's suspicion than
anything else.  It felt strange to be so consciously trying to hide anything
from his cousin, but he wasn't foolish enough to ignore Shigure's close ties to
Akito.

Clean, he padded silently up the stairs to his room, and was stopped outside the
door by the quiet sounds coming from Tohru's room.  He hesitated only a moment,
then ducked into his room long enough to trade his towel for a robe before going
and knocking lightly on her door.  "Honda-san?"  Her response was too faint for
him to make out the words, so he opened the door only slightly.  "Do you want me
to come in?"

"Yes," she said more clearly.  Yuki pushed the door the rest of the way open and
went in, closing it carefully behind him.  He walked to the side of the bed and
knelt on the floor, and touched her face.  He wasn't surprised to feel it wet
with tears.

"Do you want to talk?" he asked quietly, wiping some of the tears away.

Tohru hesitated a moment, then nodded against his hand.  "I miss him so much,
Yuki-kun," she whispered.  She said nothing else for a while, fresh tears
spilling over his fingers.

"Here," he said eventually, "lie right on the edge of the bed."  She blinked at
him but obediently rolled over, winding up on her stomach.  Yuki carefully slid
an arm over her back, paying careful attention to the moment when his skin
prickled warningly and going no closer.  It was only a half embrace, but better
than they usually managed.  He rested his chin on the edge of the mattress and
she turned her face to his.

"I'm so glad you're still here," she said.

"I'm not going anywhere, Honda-san," he replied, massaging her shoulder gently.

"Mmm."  She arched a little into his touch.  "Yuki-kun, why don't you call me by
my name?"

He wondered how to explain, and then realized it wasn't really a request for
information.  "Do you want me to?"

"It seems fair."

He brought his face close enough to hers that their noses were almost touching. 
"Tohru," he whispered.  There were still tears escaping from her eyes, but she
smiled through them.

"That's better."  She closed her eyes while he continued touching her back.  "Do
you think I'll be punished for being so selfish?"

"Selfish?"  He stared at her, incredulous.  "You?"

"For loving you and Kyo-kun," she explained.

Yuki almost laughed, but saw that she was in earnest.  "I don't think you'll be
punished," he said after a moment.  "Even if you think you deserve it, I don't
think anything worse will happen than what you feel already."

"Only if you get taken away too," she said.  She made a soft sound of pain. 
"I'm so lucky to still have you with me.  I can't stand thinking of Kyo-kun
alone in that room."

"I know."  He kissed her forehead lightly, unable to think of any words to
comfort her with.  "You should try to get some rest."

Tohru nodded under his mouth, then stilled.  "Yuki-kun, will you . . . "  He
heard her swallow nervously.  "Will you sleep in here?"

He could feel the exhaustion radiating off her, knew perfectly well she only
meant sleep, but his heart still warmed.  "If you like.  I should go get
pajamas."  He stood up, but she caught his hand when he moved toward the door.

"It doesn't matter," she said, then looked embarrassed.  "I'll probably bump
into you in my sleep anyway."

"There's that," he agreed.  Tohru rolled away from the side of the bed, toward
the wall, and averted her eyes while he took his robe off and slid into the warm
spot she had just vacated.  She turned back to him as he settled, and the pain
in her gaze made him ache to hold her more than ever.  He propped himself up on
an elbow to peer over her.  "Do you have a third pillow?"

She blinked in confusion.  "Um, yes."  She reached behind herself and found one,
passed it over.

"I want to try something," he said, examining it thoughtfully.  He set it down
between them, resting it on her side.  He nodded slightly and came closer,
reached around it and carefully draped an arm over her.  Her eyes widened as she
realized what he was doing.  With the pillow keeping their upper bodies apart,
he cautiously eased her into an embrace.  A long sigh escaped her lips, warming
his neck as she nestled close.  "Is this ok?" he asked quietly.  He felt her
head move affirmatively under his chin.  "Tomorrow we should talk," he told her.
 "There're some things I need to tell you."

Tohru was too tired to question him.  "Ok."

"Good night, Tohru," he murmured.  He felt her smile against his throat.

"Good night."

********
Fruits Basket is the creation of Takaya Natsuki, and is licensed in North
America by FUNimation (anime) and Tokyopop (manga).  Used without permission or
the intention of making a profit.  Please support the original work!

"The Ceremony of Innocence" © 2004 by Ysabet MacFarlane (ba087@chebucto.ns.ca).
Edited by Alishya Lane.

Comments and criticism welcomed at the above address.

Full author's notes available at (http://bounce.to/ysabet)

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Notifying the author of any such use is an appreciated courtesy.  NO CHANGES OF
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