*****
"Voices in the Dark"
a Fruits Basket fanfic by Ysabet MacFarlane (ba087@chebucto.ns.ca)

Written for Flamika
Contains spoilers up to chapter 107, particularly vol. 12, 14, and 18.
Original release date: February 5, 2006.
*****

Rin's fingers were buried deep in rich black soil when Yuki wandered out the
back door and stopped under the roof's overhang.  She kept examining the flowers
she was planting, wondering if she'd gotten the roots deep enough, and if the
rat would stop staring at her and continue down the path to the dojo.

"I didn't know you gardened," he said, and she sighed, pulling her fingers free
and wiping them on her bare thighs.

"I don't.  I'm just trying because Kazuma-san was getting worried that he and
Kunimitsu wouldn't have time to get these in."

"Are you planting anything else?  That family of flowers likes to be in a bit
more shade, so you might want to plant something tall behind them."

"Oh."  She glanced back down at the garden.  "Maybe I'll go buy some more
tomorrow."

"You're going to get all muddy two days in a row?"

"Don't you have a lesson?"  *Leave me alone,* her tone said, and Yuki sighed.

"Sorry.  I wasn't being serious."

"Since when do you have a sense of humor?"

"And you'd recognize one, I'm sure."  Rin visibly tensed as his voice sharpened,
and he backpedaled.  "Look, I just--I didn't mean to bother you, ok?  I wanted
to see how you were before I went down to the dojo, that's all."

"I'm fine."  A skeptical look crossed Yuki's face, and their eyes met across the
short distance separating them.  The tentative understanding in his gaze brought
a razor-edged memory of darkness and isolation surging up from where she tried
not to think about it.  It was bad enough to dream of the months of silence, to
wake up sweat-drenched and shaking, unable to sleep again without the comfort of
Haru's presence or a bedside light to illuminate the room's shadows. 
Remembering it in daylight was somehow worse, a night terror creeping out of its
rightful place and into her waking life.  "Don't look at me like that," she
snapped.

"Sure."  Yuki shrugged and stepped down onto the path, passing by without
looking at her again.

Rin headed into the house as soon as he was gone, wiping her bare feet carefully
before padding down the hall to the bathing room.  Her clothes hit the floor
with an entirely unsatisfactory thump, and she flung herself into the shower
with a passing glower at her reflection.  She turned the heat up until it hurt,
her skin reddening violently under the water while she scrubbed determinedly at
the soil under her nails.

When the dirt was washed away, she sank to her knees and leaned against the
tiled wall; the water kept pounding on her skin, the heat and steam making her
lightheaded.  She swore under her breath and pressed her fingertips against her
eyelids, trying to drive out the memory of dark rooms and silence.

Yuki's understanding glance flashed through her mind, and she winced,
remembering things she had once told him she'd forgotten: the long shadows in
the room Akito had kept him in, the way he huddled against the wall and stared
blankly when she and Haru slipped in to see him.  The boys had conversed in
whispers while she stayed at the far side of the room, waiting by the door.

Each visit was worse.  She began to avoid even looking at Yuki when she went in,
not wanting to see the sickly pallor of his skin or the bruised look in his
eyes.  Afterwards, she and Haru would sit outside and take deep breaths of fresh
air, sharing silences that echoed Yuki's.  Sometimes Haru rested his head on her
shoulder, cuddling against her like a lost pet--not quite old enough for real
desire, but already hungry for her touch.

The first day that Yuki said nothing at all, offering no response but a
tremulous smile to Haru's attempts to draw him out, Haru had cried himself sick
in her arms.  *There's nothing we can do,* she whispered, hurting more for him
than for the silent boy they'd left behind.  Haru's pain stabbed too sharply
through her to leave any strength to take on anyone else's suffering.  *He knows
you love him.*

*It doesn't bother you?* Shigure had asked her once, years later, when they were
alone in his house.  She sprawled across his floor, numb to the fact that her
skirt was showing too much skin even by her standards.  Shigure knew the price
for touching her, and had never shown any interest.  *Ha-kun and Yuki-kun?*

*What should bother me?*  She hadn't looked at him, keeping her eyes squeezed
shut against the sunbeam slanted across her face.

*Your lover--* such mock-delicacy in the way he chose the word, an archness that
he rarely wasted on her *--being so blithe about loving someone else?*

*You know he's not my--*  She turned onto her side and squinted up at him. 
*Haru's not the type to stop loving people.*

*Then I guess you're in trouble, Rin-chan.*  Shigure had gazed down at her, no
longer teasing; she'd stood up and walked out without another word, raking her
fingers viciously through the length of her hair.

When the hot water ran out, she shook her head against the memories as she
turned the shower off.  She stretched slowly, trying to ease the stiffness in
her muscles without letting her mind wander back into the past.  Wrapping
herself in a thick towel, she sighed and looked away from the empty tub, wishing
she'd had the sense to soak while her thoughts ran away with her.

*****

Yuki turned a page in his textbook as the sound of the shower stopped, wondering
how long it would take Rin to notice his presence in the living room.  He didn't
glance up when he heard her light footsteps coming down the hall, or when she
stopped in the doorway.  "Before you ask, I'm waiting for Shihan," he said.

"What time is it?"

"Almost six.  He's on his last class for tonight."

"I know his schedule."  Rin's voice sounded more weary than irritated, and Yuki
risked a look up.  She was wrapped in a towel, stray drops of water falling from
her hair to her bare shoulders; it covered her more than some of her clothing
did, but Yuki's stomach knotted.  The one time he'd seen her naked, he'd noted
that she was too thin for her own good.  Now, what he could see of her body made
her previous weight seem ample; bones showed through her skin with frightening
clarity.  He thought about the painful gauntness he'd seen in her face and
wrists when he and Tohru had first visited her at Kazuma's, weeks ago, and tried
not to imagine what her body must have looked like under the warm layers she'd
been wearing.

Rin grimaced, and Yuki realized that something of his thoughts must be showing
on his face.  "We usually have supper in about an hour."  She turned and walked
away as she spoke, and a moment later he heard the sound of her bedroom door
sliding closed.

He was surprised when she reappeared several minutes later, dressed in clothes
that were startlingly effective at hiding her physical vulnerability.  The stiff
way she moved, coupled with the detached coolness in her eyes, reminded him of
his astonishment when Haru had admitted to being in love with her--she was
beautiful, but the brittle chill she exuded made it impossible to imagine
anything soft or comfortable about her.

She sat pointedly as far away from him as possible, 'don't touch' etched into
every line of her body.  Not a Jyuunishi's impartial avoidance of the
uncursed--Rin's disdain was precise and deliberate.

He almost jumped when she spoke.  "Did you see Haru?"

"Hmm?"

"Haru goes to that class when he doesn't have a lot of homework," she said. 
"Did you see him?  I don't know if I should make enough food for him."

"You cook?"

Rin's eyes hardened, making him wish he'd kept his mouth shut.  "Not all of us
are useless," she retorted, starting to stand.  Yuki reached across the table
without thinking and caught her wrist; for an instant she only stared at him,
and then the sharp edge of her bone dug into his palm as she wrenched free. 
"Don't--"

"Yes, I saw him."

"Don't touch me.  Ever."  Each word carefully enunciated, as if she were
struggling to correct a child with words instead of a slap.  "Understand?"

Yuki's patience wore thin.  "Care to explain what I ever did to make you hate
me, Rin?"

"I don't hate you."

"Could've fooled me," he muttered, and she glared back.

"That doesn't mean you can touch me."  She rubbed at her wrist where he'd
grabbed her, hard enough that the skin whitened, and finished getting to her
feet.  As she turned away, she snarled something under her breath.

"I didn't hear you," Yuki said flatly, but Rin didn't reply, tilting her head at
the sound of footsteps in the hall.

A moment later, Haru wandered in, rubbing his shoulder.  He stopped as he
registered the tension in the room, and then went to Rin's side.  "Everything
ok?"  His hand brushed against her cheek, and Rin stared at the floor.  "Guess
not."

"You always show up when we're fighting," she said, wrapping her arms loosely
around herself.

"What, are there friendly conversations I'm missing out on?" he asked, and she
turned away.

"I should start supper.  Kazuma-san's probably hungry."

"Is there time for me to steal a shower?"

"There's time--"  She slid a glance at him, suddenly looking chastened.  "But I
used all the hot water."

Haru laughed quietly and bent to kiss her forehead.  Yuki rested his head in his
hands, embarrassed by the casual intimacy that settled on them for the moment
Rin relaxed.  The soft murmur of their voices as they spoke ignited a faint ache
in his chest, too elusive to pin down.

After Rin left the room, Haru sat down across from him.  "What happened?"

"I tried to talk to her," Yuki said, unable to suppress a sour note in his
voice.  Haru blinked back at him.

"Doesn't she usually just ignore that?"

"And I touched her."

"Oh."  Haru seemed to feel that the single word was adequate response, and Yuki
stared at him in frustration.

"That's . . . not really helpful."

The younger boy shrugged.  "D'you want me to tell you she doesn't like being
touched?  I figure she probably covered that."

"I feel like I ought to be able to talk to her--she's your girlfriend, and
Honda-san's friend--"

"And you make her feel helpless."

"How do I--"

"You remind her of things she doesn't want to think about."  Haru frowned and
stood up again.  "I can't . . . I can't really talk to you about it, ok? 
Telling you how I feel is one thing, but she wouldn't want me to-- "

"Sure."  Yuki nodded, glancing back down at his book.  "You're going to help
her?"

"If you're ok--"

Yuki tapped the corner of the page he was looking at.  "I've still got a bunch
of reading to do for class.  No problem."

Haru paused in the doorway, and Yuki looked up again, wondering if Haru was
sensing the strange discomfort that was still swimming in his chest.  "It's
never gonna work if she doesn't come to you," Haru said quietly.  "If she
doesn't trust you on her own, she'll just take your head off every time."

"You know you're talking about your girlfriend like she's a wild animal?"

Haru shrugged.  "You might get along with her better if you think of her like
that."  He slipped out of the room before Yuki could think of a reply.

*****

"Can I help?"  Haru's voice startled Rin out of the comfortable blankness her
mind had started to fall into when she cooked, as it became habit rather than a
new responsibility.

"No, I'm fine," she replied, taking stock of the situation.  "No one's gone
shopping in the last couple of days, so it's mostly instant stuff.  Has
Kazuma-san come in yet?"  Haru shook his head.  "So Yuki's probably staying
too?"

"Is it ok?"

"I'm making plenty of food."  She nodded at the stove, and Haru came up behind
her, wrapping his arms gently around her.

"But will you eat any of it?"

Rin tried not to tense against him.  "I'll try."  One of his hands slid under
the edge of her shirt, caressing her side.  She started to relax in spite of
herself, leaning back into the safety of his embrace.  "I will."

*****

She managed to eat several slow mouthfuls of supper, ignoring Yuki and his
conversation with Kazuma as thoroughly as possible as she ate.  But it was
impossible to tune out his look of surprise when she set her chopsticks down and
murmured the ritual thanks long before any of the men, and she looked at him for
the first time during the meal, silently daring him to comment.

He didn't.

Haru's hand found hers under the table, a quick squeeze that conveyed some of
the tension that crackled through him when she and Yuki were in the same room,
as if he were a conduit that connected them.  Rin closed her eyes and squeezed
back, trying to take comfort from the touch.

Despite Shigure's insinuations, the uneasiness that twisted in her stomach when
she looked at Yuki had little to do with jealousy.  The strong family
resemblance that marked the Sohmas was even more obvious than usual between
them, although she was accustomed to ignoring it.  Features that looked fragile
on Yuki were intense on her, and when they were children the stark difference in
their coloring had been enough to amuse the old women in the Main House.

The irony that Haru was one of the few people who had never commented on the
similarity of their faces wasn't lost on her.  He had never compared them in any
way that she could think of--as far as she could tell, the only thing they had
in common in his mind was that he loved them both.

She realized she was staring when Yuki shot her a puzzled look, and she dropped
her gaze.

*Care to explain what I ever did to make you hate me, Rin?*

After years of living with Haru's deep affection for the other boy, she still
had barely any idea what to name the feeling Yuki dredged up out of her, but
hatred was something she understood and dismissed.  It wasn't jealousy, not when
she was the one Haru turned to for comfort and company; nor was it fear of any
physical attraction Haru might feel, not when he came to her bed with such
fierce, honest desire.

Words were not her strength, and she had no words for the ways Yuki reminded her
of everything she hated about herself.  Weakness, neediness, the inability to do
anything but endure Akito's whims--all packaged tidily in a silver-eyed boy who
had never showed any sign of understanding what went on where he couldn't see
it, and reminding her of what they now had in common: memories shrouded in a
silent darkness so deep that sunlight and loving words could barely scratch its
surface.

Yuki was looking at her again, or she was looking at him; either way, the furrow
on his brow that said he was hunting for something to say to her sent a ripple
of irritation through her.  Haru made a barely-audible sound, and she glanced
down at their entwined fingers, realized that her grip had tightened enough to
dig his rings deep into his skin.

She took a slow breath and let go of his hand, not meeting his worried gaze. 
"I'm going to go make some tea," she said, standing so quickly that a wave of
dizziness hit her.

"Isuzu, there's no need," Kazuma said quietly.  "I can do it."

"Do you know where the tea is?"  Too tart, an edge to her words that she usually
suppressed with him; she bit her lip and kept her eyes down.

"We'll do without, then.  You don't look well."

Haru stood up and touched her arm.  "Maybe you should lie down?"  Neither of
them looked at Yuki, but she suspected Haru was just as aware of the rat's eyes
on them as she was.

"I should clean up--"

"That I can certainly do." Kazuma cut her off smoothly, and Haru nodded.

"I'll help.  Don't worry about it, Rin."

She gave in, and let Haru walk her down the hallway to her bedroom.  Inside, she
tugged him down to sit beside her on the bed, nestling her head under his chin.

"Yuki doesn't mean any harm," he murmured, lips brushing against her hair.

"What are you like with him?"

The metal of his rings grazed her throat as he tilted her face up to see her
eyes.  "What?"

"Are you different when it's just you and him, without me?"  Uncertainty
flickered across his face as he tried to read the meaning under her words. 
"When you're with both of us, you're--"

"Different," he echoed.  "Yeah.  When you're together, you're both so tense, and
I can feel both of you just a little . . . "

"So what about when it's just him?"

His kiss took her by surprise, a quick, hungry movement of his mouth against
hers that ended almost before she could respond.  "Some things are different." 
He pulled her onto his lap, lifting her with disconcerting ease.  "I don't want
him like I want you."  Another kiss, gentler, while he thought.  "He's seen me
Black more often than you have.  But I'm just me with both of you, sweetheart."

"You don't avoid him when you're angry?"

Haru shook his head, reluctant admission in his eyes.  "I don't worry about it
so much--it's pretty safe to be around him.  I can't hurt him like I can hurt
you."

Something that wasn't quite anger stirred in her chest.  "But you wouldn't--"

"You don't know that."  He had her off his lap and flat on her back in an
instant, holding her down.  "And you couldn't stop me."  She twisted under him,
trying to get comfortable, and he leaned closer.  "You don't have any martial
arts training, and I'm a _lot_ stronger than you."  The warmth of his breath on
her neck made her squirm; Haru casually rearranged himself so that he was
pinning her with one arm, and stroked her face with his free hand.  "There's
nothing that'd make me hurt you on purpose, no matter how badly I lose it.  But
I don't think straight when I'm like that, and if I fucked up, I--"

"Is this an 'I can't live without you' moment?" she asked, trying to lighten his
mood.

"I can live without you."  The sudden edge in his voice hurt, a blossoming pain
she saw reflected in his eyes.  "But I won't do it again."  His lips brushed
against hers, gentler than his words; she lifted her head to kiss him, and he
sank down onto her, softening his grip into an embrace.

"The door's open a little," she whispered, when his mouth moved to her throat.

"I told Shihan I'd help him clean up, anyway."  The fingers twined in her hair
loosened reluctantly.  "Rin, about Yuki . . . "

"It's ok."

"It's really not me loving him that bothers you, is it?"

"You know it's not."  Their voices dropped lower and lower as they spoke, old
habits of secrecy bubbling to the surface.  "It'd be easier if it were."  Rin
closed her eyes and listened to the sounds coming down the hall: the faint
sounds of Kazuma and Yuki's conversation, of porcelain bowls bumping together. 
"I think they started without us."

"Without me," Haru corrected.  "Rest a little, ok?"

"I'm fine--"  At the look he gave her, she subsided.  The room was gray with
twilight; she pulled her arm out from under his weight, and switched the bedside
lamp on to dispel the encroaching darkness.  "Do you have a clean uniform here?"

"Mm.  D'you want me to spend the night?"  She nodded, and he kissed her
forehead.  "I'll call my parents and let them know."

An involuntary shiver ran through her when he slid off her, leaving her with
only her own body heat to ward off the night chill.  She tucked the blanket
around herself as he slipped out of the room, and stared at the lamp while she
continued listening to the house.

The voices drifting down from the kitchen were unexpectedly soothing.  Haru and
Kazuma both represented 'home' so strongly that it was hard not to relax as she
listened; even Yuki's lighter voice didn't jar her, without his accompanying
gaze and silences.

*****

Rin didn't realize she'd fallen asleep until the sudden absence of sound
startled her awake.  Almost lightheaded with grogginess, she held still after
sitting up, gripped by the memory of her first attempt to stand after her hair
had been cut.  The loss of its weight had unbalanced her badly enough that she
had almost fallen over.

A few careful breaths cleared her head enough that she was able to get up and
leave the room.  *Didn't eat enough,* she thought automatically, unable to
summon much self-reproach over it.

The back door opened as she walked down the hallway, and she heard Yuki's quiet
goodbye to Haru and Kazuma as he came inside.  She considered stepping into the
living room and letting him leave without seeing him, and then winced at the
idea of hiding.

"They're outside?" she asked as he came around the corner, and took a small
pleasure in making him jump.

"They're going down to the dojo for a few minutes, and I'm heading home," Yuki
replied, recovering his composure with admirable speed.  "Haru said you were
probably asleep, so--"

"I think I'll survive their absence."  Sharper than she intended, again, but she
had no energy to try to call the words back.  Shadows fell across Yuki's eyes as
he shrugged and turned away, and memory blurred her vision: his child's face,
pale and drawn, lips pressed together to hold in the ghost of his voice.  He
walked past her without another word, pausing in the small vestibule to slip his
shoes on.

"I'm going now."

"Come back safely."  Ritual concluded, Rin waited for him to leave.  Instead, he
hesitated on the threshold, a hint of uncertainty furrowing his brow.  It was an
expression she recognized from the mirror, one that she had trained her own face
out of.  "What?"

"I'm trying to decide if I should be apologizing to you."

"Probably not."  She spared a thought for the way he had almost cried in front
of her, on a bright autumn day that belonged in another lifetime; it brought
back the weight of Haru's head on her shoulder, and the wetness of his tears
soaking her shirt.  "I--"

"Hmm?"

"I remember the dark."

Silver eyes met hers in surprise, then gentled in a way that reminded her more
of Haru than herself.  "I know.  Take care, Rin."

He slipped out into the night before she could decide whether to reply.  When
the door closed behind him, she turned and went into the living room, turning on
all the lights to hold the night at bay until Haru and Kazuma returned.

[fin]



*****


Fruits Basket is the creation of Takaya Natsuki, and is licensed in North
America by FUNimation (anime) and Tokyopop (manga).  Used without permission or
the intention of making a profit.  Please support the original work!

"Voices in the Dark" © 2006 by Ysabet MacFarlane (ba087@chebucto.ns.ca).

Comments and criticism welcomed at the above address.

This story may be reproduced and archived so long as the original text is
preserved and the author's name and contact information remain attached. 
Notifying the author of any such use is an appreciated courtesy.  NO CHANGES OF
ANY KIND ARE PERMITTED.