[Fruits Basket] Haru/Rin, #9

Title: Shadows on the Wall
Author: Ysabet MacFarlane (ba087@chebucto.ns.ca)
Pairing: Sohma Hatsuharu and Sohma Isuzu (Rin)
Fandom: Fruits Basket
Theme: #9 (dash)
Disclaimer: Fruits Basket belongs to Takaya Natsuki and Hakusensha;
English-language versions by FUNimation (anime) and Tokyopop (manga). This piece
of fiction is in no way approved or endorsed by any of the copyright holders.
Please support the original work!
Notes:
--This picks up directly after chapter 133 (halfway through volume 23), and
contains the spoilers you'd expect from that.
--Title from Tom McRae's "A Thousand Suns".
--Edited by Alishya Lane.


**********
July 2000
**********

Haru had been in the house for all of three minutes when Tohru grabbed Kyo's
hand and tugged him through the doorway at the other end of the hall. Her sudden
flurries of emotion were so familiar that Haru felt only mildly curious,
entertaining the passing thought that sooner or later even Kazuma might get
tired of a houseful of noisy teenagers. "What's up with them?"

Rin's hands had flown to her face the moment he walked in, almost covering the
blush that had caught his eye before Tohru dragged Kyo out. A second look showed
tear stains on her cheeks, wet smears shining between her fingers as she tried
to surreptitiously wipe them away. There was a hint of black smudging under her
eyes and on her knuckles--her makeup was too expensive to run freely, but money
could only buy so much. "Hey." He slid a finger under one of the buckles on her
arm, frowning in concern when she didn't react. "Want to talk about it?"

"No." But she slowly lowered her hands, letting him look at her.

"Is it serious?"

"Yes. No. I..." Her lips tightened as she rubbed at her eyes again. "I know. No
more secrets." The frustration crackling around her subsided into resignation.
"Not right now." He followed her down the hallway to her room, watching the
sunlight pooling at her feet. "There's no privacy here anymore," she
said--observing, not complaining--as she slid the door closed on the faint
sounds of voices coming from the other side of the house. She lay down without
saying anything else; when Haru sat on the bed she curled up around him,
pressing her cheek against his hip before pulling him down to her.

*******

When Rin went out of her way to be distracting, it was very effective.

*******

Afterwards, he moved to lie beside her, resting a hand on her back to feel her
breathing as it slowed. "You know I think it's hot when you do that--"

"Which?" came the muffled reply.

"I was thinking 'seduce me', but this kinda schoolgirl kink you've got going
today is fun too." Rin watched his vague gesture at the shirt and necktie she'd
abandoned beside the bed, then resettled herself on her side. Haru cupped his
hand along her jaw, tilting her head back so he could kiss her face--eyelids,
the tip of her nose, each cheek, the welcoming softness of her mouth. And then
she was kissing him back, in a way that made it feel like a betrayal to think of
asking questions that would bring the cold shadows back to her eyes. "The things
you do to me, lovely girl," he whispered, trailing his fingers along the hem of
the skirt she still wore. Somehow the touch warned her; she stiffened and pulled
back, forcing him to look her in the eye while he added, "Are you gonna tell me
what's going on now?"

The house had fallen completely silent around them; it was late enough in the
day that Tohru had probably gone back to Shigure's, while Kyo and the older men
would be down in the dojo. Rin's face was expressionless, something he sometimes
thought he'd never get used to--for almost sixteen years she'd been transparent
to him, so easy to read that he was constantly surprised to hear other people
muttering that they didn't understand her. *That girl,* the adults in the Main
House had called her, using neither the name her parents had given her nor the
one that was a byproduct of Shigure's careless affection.

*That girl.*

"It'll be okay, whatever it is." He found a knot under her shoulder blade,
worked at it with his thumb.

"I know," she said eventually, when he was on the verge of backing down. She
rubbed a knuckle under her eye, hard, and examined the faint smear of eyeliner
that came away on her skin. "I'm going to get cleaned up." She climbed halfway
off the bed, retrieving the pillow she had automatically tucked between the
headboard and the wall, and then bent down for another kiss. There was life in
her face again, in the way her hands shook against his cheeks. "Be right back."

Haru rolled into the still-warm spot she'd left, pressing his face against her
pillow while he waited for her.

**********

She was back before he had time to drift off, all traces of makeup scrubbed off
her face, wrapped loosely in a towel that she dropped as soon as she'd shut the
door. Minutes later she was fully dressed again, in an outfit that might fool a
casual observer into thinking she'd put some thought into it. "I should start
getting changed in the middle of the day when you're _not_ here," she said,
pulling a light lace sweater over the skintight black shirt. "I don't know why
we even bother closing the door."

"Because we don't want to teach Kyo sex ed?" Haru offered absently, watching her
from the corner of his eye. "I don't have any clean clothes here, do I?"

"No, because you keep taking every bit of laundry home with you. If you'd just
leave a few things here all the time, I could wash them with our clothes." Rin
sat on the end of the bed while he got up and put his school uniform back on,
slightly worse the wear for its stint on the floor.

"You're getting all domestic," he said, half-joking, trying to relax her. She
picked at the hem of her skirt, brow creased in concentration, and didn't
answer. "Rin...?"

"Is this going to work?" He started at the unexpected vehemence in her voice,
trying to make sense of the question. "It's been almost five months. We both
know things aren't going to go back to the way they were." She was almost
perfectly still, eyes fixed on her lap; only her hand moved, tracing the seams
of her clothes as if it had taken on a life of its own.

"Rin--"

"Things would be normal by now if they were going to be, wouldn't they?"

The deja vu that hit him was nauseating. Haru closed his hand over her wrist,
not sure if the hammering pulse he felt in his fingers was hers or an echo of
the blood roaring in his ears. For a sickening moment he couldn't see her, too
blinded by the memory of how she'd looked up at him from the hospital bed: as
detached and cold as if he wasn't even worth her anger.

*She's not looking at me like that now,* he told himself, clinging to the
thought. "Rin, just say whatever you're trying to--"

"I don't know," she whispered, finally looking up. "I just...haven't you been
wondering it too?"

"No." Bile in his throat, resisting his attempts to choke it back. "The only
thing I'm wondering is whether I'm gonna wind up on my knees begging you not to
leave me again. I'm not real hung up on dignity, but I'd kind of like to avoid
that."

"Wh-what?" Rin recoiled so abruptly that he nearly lost his grip on her; his
fingers clamped down bruisingly hard before he could stop them. His utter horror
finally seemed to register; her free hand flew to his face, molding itself to
the contours of his cheek. "No. No! I--but I--" She stopped, shutting her eyes.
"But it's not the same, and I'm scared."

"Of course it's not the same. We're human, everything feels different... "

"No. I hate that I can't feel you like that anymore, but it was different before
that."

"Look at me," Haru said quietly, when her eyes stayed closed. He forced himself
to take  a deep breath, and another. "Please, sweetheart, let me see you."

"The--" She obliged slowly, looking lost. "--the only way things feel normal at
all is when we're hav--sleeping together." Her hand dropped from his face to the
bed beside her, fingers digging into the blanket. "But then sometimes you hug me
and I get so tense and I _know_ you can feel it, and sometimes you kiss me and I
can practically taste all the guilt that's still keeping you up some nights,
and--"

"I still get way more sleep than you do," he protested.

"But I'm an insomniac. You're not. Or you never used to be."

"You said 'and'...?"

"And you--all of you--talk about Akito like she's turned into someone else, like
she n-never... " Her gaze skittered away from his, while her lips kept moving
silently. *Don't make me.*

"I've never asked you to talk about it." Whatever had happened between her and
Akito in the dark was deeper than the secrets she'd promised not to keep, deeper
than the physical damage from hunger or the jagged stones and shattered glass
that had shredded her back. He pressed his forehead against hers, close enough
to hear the soft sounds catching in her throat. "I want to know, but only when
you're ready, okay?" He waited until she nodded. "I haven't forgiven her for
what she did to you. I can tell she's changed, and she's trying so hard to make
it up to us without coming close enough to scare you, but I can't forgive her
for you."

"I can't forgive her." She wasn't echoing him; on her lips, the words had the
weight of a mantra. "I can't. I _can't_."

"You don't have to." It had been weeks since he'd felt her trembling so
violently; he'd tried not to believe it meant she'd recovered, but a part of him
had wanted it so badly...

"I'm sorry."

He bit down on his automatic response--*Don't apologize*--and ran his fingers
through her hair, down to the back of her neck. "What for?"

Rin drew a careful breath of her own; it ended in a strained laugh. "For scaring
you." She stood abruptly, rubbing her arms for warmth. "Before you got here,
I... Tohru did that thing she does, where she just listens and you can't _not_
tell her..." Another breath, a hesitation. "I told her I was scared of driving
you away. Because I'm like this."

"Like what?"

She looked at him as if she were considering making a dash for the door. Haru
found himself on his feet, close enough to catch her. "Like _this_. Do you think
I don't know what a wreck I am?" Her eyes glittered with the particular anger
she reserved for herself. "I don't even recognize myself anymore. Akito wanted a
broken doll, Haru, and she _got one_, she--"

"That's not true."

The flare of temper burned out. "I'm not who you fell in love with."

"No, you're who I'm in love with now," he countered. "Rin--" She opened her
mouth to interrupt, and he herded her back against the wall, resting his thumb
over her lips. "Just listen for a minute, okay? Listen to _me_, not the part of
your head that's feeding you its own version of what I feel."

The tiny movement of her head might have been a nod or a shudder, but she held
his gaze. "Okay," he said again. "I figured I'd have a little longer to get this
right, but... Rin. Sweetheart, love, I promise you--I promise I'll love you
forever. I want to wake up with you every morning until I die." Tears trickled
across his knuckles where he touched her face, unbroken shining tracks between
their skin. "I promise to be with you, to give you everything, I--" His voice
broke as she leaned into his arms. "I'll say it again in front of witnesses, at
the shrines, whatever, but I _promise_, Rin. Far as I'm concerned, I've been
your husband since the second you kissed me. I'll make it legal and public as
soon as I turn eighteen, if you want."

"No." She was suddenly steady, still pressed close without using him for
balance. "I won't be twenty yet. Getting your parents' permission would be bad
enough. I'm not--I'm _not_ letting my parents decide whether I can marry you."

"No," he repeated. The idea of it sat like a chilled lump in his throat. "No
way, not them." Rin stared up at him, so small and defiant he wanted nothing
more than to take her back to bed and keep her there until the bruised look in
her eyes faded. "All right. I'll start over." His mouth felt unreasonably
parched. "Will you marry me?"

"I think I already said I would." Her shoulders sagged a little; not quite
relaxed, but less burdened. "I will. You know I will."

"That's all I care about, so how we do it is your call." He fingered a loose
wisp of hair that was trying to stick to her cheek. "Whenever you want. I can
ask my parents after my birthday, or we can wait a couple more years so we don't
need to even ask them."

"Why are you so _young_?" The outburst of annoyance was heavy with history; when
she'd been seventeen (so mature, she'd seemed to him, and now that he was that
age he itched to be just a little older), reminding her that she was sleeping
with a boy two years her junior had been a surefire way to rile her up.

It wasn't funny anymore.

She closed her eyes, hugging herself while she thought. "Will your parents even
care?" she muttered. "It'd just be a formality, right...?"

"They probably won't mind." He was almost certain; he didn't dare risk promising
it, risk taking something away from her.

"I can't ask my parents." Her head was a comfortable weight on his collarbone.
"They never even got rid of me legally, you know? Even though the family
transferred my money to Kagura's parents, they--I thought..."

*You thought it meant they'd take you back home someday,* he finished silently
when she trailed off, unable to voice yet another hurt that ran too deep to
soothe. "I'm never going to leave you," he said.

"Mm hmm." Rin wrapped her arms around his waist. "I'm sorry I scared you."

"'sokay." Her hair tickled his nose when he kissed the top of her head. "I
would've asked you to marry me anyway."

"Eventually."

"Well, probably not today," he conceded.

"I just got engaged to a seventeen year old."

"Uh huh. You'll be fine."

"There had better not be anyone in earshot when we open the door." As she spoke,
they both heard the sound of footsteps in the entryway, safely distant; Haru
wasn't sure if it was habit or fear that made her voice drop. "Are you sure?"

"I remember you." In the kitchen, water spattered into the sink. "My last memory
of your soul is from after everything happened, and you are _not_ broken." It
was a hard card to play; the phantom ache from the Jyuunishi bond swam up behind
his eyes, made him hungry and queasy all at once.

*We're human, everything feels different...*

"You're not broken, and I know what it means to say I'll love you forever."

She shuddered in his arms. "Don't say that."

"I know. But I'll love you until I die."

"Until we die." Her hands came up to cradle his face, slid into his hair when he
lowered his head to kiss her. The faint noises of other people moving in the
hallways might have been in another world. "Doesn't this make us married?" she
whispered. "Promises and kisses?"

"Then we really have been married for years." He smiled against her mouth. "At
least let me make you a ring."

"You've got a year." She almost hid the trace of bitterness. "If your parents
say we can."

"I'll talk to them tonight if you want. I can't sleep here--no clean clothes,
remember?"

"Should I come with you?"

It stopped him cold; Rin had gone to the Main House only once since Akito's
final summons, to see and walk away from the freshly turned, still-barren dirt
where the Cat's room had stood.

He didn't ask if she was sure, but she nodded as if he had. "Will they mind if I
sleep there?"

"They never minded before," he replied, struck by the inanity of it--he couldn't
remember how many times she'd slept in his room in his parents' absence,
sometimes under their noses when they came home late from work and left early
enough in the morning.

"I like sleeping in futons," she said, giving her bed a thoughtful look.

"See, they can't possibly say no." His heart felt lighter than it had in weeks.
"You're such a nice girl, domestic _and_ traditional--"

"--and practical enough to know that I can do unspeakable things to their son
much more quietly in a futon than in a bed."

"Also good."

"Let's go before I think about it too hard, okay?" She squeezed his hand
tightly, not quite trying to lead him out of the room.

"Sure." But he held her a moment longer, savoring the fleeting secret.
Remembering her.

[fin.]