******** "In God's Hands" a Fruits Basket fanfic by Ysabet MacFarlane [contains reference to spoilers from chapter 97-98] ******** "innocence targeted whose god is this? wished that she had one more day" --Tori Amos, "Seaside" (b-side, "Scarlet's Walk" / "Welcome to Sunny Florida") ******** Rin turned a page over in her notebook and rewrote the equation she had just scratched out. It was hard to concentrate on her math when the room had so many distractions--the flicker of the tv that was mostly playing for itself, the low murmur of Haru's voice while he sounded out his English homework. She was used to studying in her own room, accompanied only by music played just loudly enough to block out the sounds of the house's other occupants. This was much more fun. Her odds of pulling up her algebra average were dwindling by the minute, but it would have taken a much more dire threat than that to have kept her away once she and Haru had figured out that it would be possible for her to stay with him for the night, unnoticed. His parents were away overnight--almost unheard of--and the temptation had been too strong to resist. She closed her notebook and buried her face in the pillow, listening to Haru sounding out the foreign syllables. He stumbled on them from time to time, but his pronunciation sounded reasonably good. Rin reached out and idly touched his arm; he was sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed. Just having him in arm's reach made her smile. "Hey," she said, rubbing his shoulder blade. He craned his head around to look at her. "Hey," he echoed, contentment lighting his eyes. His gaze shifted slightly, taking in the way she was sprawled across his bed, and settled back on her face. "Want to come sit with me?" Rin tilted her head at him, letting her hair spill across the pillow. "I'm awfully comfortable." She tugged a little at the sleeve of her uniform--taking two changes of clothes with her to school would have overfilled her bag--and Haru shot a glance at his textbook. "Should I tell my teacher that my English is suffering because my girlfriend insisted on lying on my bed until I was too turned on to study?" A wealth of emotion lurked under his mild tone: enough comfort to tease her, a serious edge that told her he wasn't entirely joking, and a distinct note of pride at the words _my girlfriend_. "But I _like_ turning you on," Rin protested. The words came out far more seriously than she'd intended, and she felt her cheeks heat up. Haru turned so he was kneeling by the bed, and cupped her face as she tried to turn away. "You're blushing," he said, staring at her with an intensity that made her fidget. A smile flickered across his lips. "I can feel it." He bent close and whispered, "I know what your skin feels like." The soft confidence in his voice sent a slow shiver through her. His fingers played with her hair. "Are you still embarrassed?" Rin moved her head and kissed his hand. "Only a little." The show that neither of them had watched was over; credits rolled behind Haru's back. "We've been moving fast." She stared up at him deliberately, knowing he liked it when she challenged their traditional upbringing and did things a 'proper' girl wasn't supposed to do. He liked it when she met his eyes, when she didn't blush under his gaze, when she initiated any kind of sexual contact. She liked it too, but the sudden shifts in their relationship were still unnerving. It had been barely a month since he had first kissed her; they had seen each other only ten or eleven times since then. Had made love seven of those times--almost accidentally the first time, slow kisses turning hungry and desperate too suddenly for either of them to regain control of the situation. "I know," Haru said. He kissed her cheek with a gentleness that made her eyes sting. When he rolled to his feet she made room for him on the bed, nestling against his chest and letting him hold her. The sound of his heart was soothing, and his breathing slowed as they lay still and soaked up each other's presence. *** The knock at the front door startled them both into full wakefulness. They stared at each other; under her hand, Haru's heart was pounding as hard as hers. He rubbed his cheek against hers and slid out of her arms, his features settling into the painful stillness that he adopted as soon as he felt insecure. "I'll be right back," he whispered, and Rin nodded silently. She checked the clock as he left the room; late for a social visit, but not abnormally so. Voices drifted back down the hall--only one visitor, and Haru sounding tired. The other voice sharpened, and a few moments later Rin heard the sound of the door closing. When he came back, the bruised exhaustion in his eyes had her off the bed and holding him in an instant. The stiff reluctance in his muscles passed into hers, the instincts of the curse giving her a moment's warning. "Akito's called for me." Rin nodded, trying not to wonder what that meant. She stepped away, hugging herself; tried and failed to suppress the thought of how his touch was sometimes more certain than a fifteen year old boy's should have been. "Do you want me to wait for you?" "I--" He touched her face, his fingers awkward. "Would you be all right?" She leaned close again and kissed him, keeping a gap between their bodies. His lips were cold. "I'll work on my algebra." Faint tension showed in his face. "I don't know how long I'll be gone." "I know." She tried to shape the question, *Did Akito wait until your parents were gone to call you?*, but couldn't. "Do you _want_ me to stay?" "No," he replied after a brief silence. "I don't know if I'll want you to see me when I come back." She caught the subtlety of the words. "What do you need, Haru?" "You." "Then I'll wait." Haru nodded and turned away, not meeting her eyes. "Akito's waiting." "Go." And he was gone. Rin stood still until she heard the outside door close behind him, and then sank down onto the bed again. Her chest ached with the effort of not releasing the sob that battered inside her lungs. She curled up under the blankets, filling herself with his scent, and tried to decipher the pain in his voice. Wondered if it was as simple as him being afraid of losing himself in anger, of hurting her if they had sex later. Wondered if he would hurt her. *** Rin spent two hours fighting with her homework, trying to distract herself, but eventually gave up--the last two problems she tried came out so badly that handing them in would have been worse than not doing the homework at all. Instead she rummaged around his bookcase and came up with an old manga that they had both liked when they were younger. She looked at the familiar cover, and then at the loose shirt Haru had produced for her to sleep in if she wanted it. He had been slightly awkward about it; when she asked, he admitted that he was torn between the idea of sleeping naked with her if she was comfortable with it, and the idea of having something saturated with her scent. She smiled in spite of the situation, and changed out of her uniform into the shirt before snuggling under the blankets again. She opened the manga, fingering the well-worn pages, and began to read. *** The sound of the door sliding open jarred her out of a restless doze. She checked the time as she sat up, and found that Haru had been gone for almost six hours. *No school tomorrow,* she thought, rubbing her eyes. *Good thing.* Haru closed the door behind him before coming to sit on the floor by the bed, in almost exactly the same place he had been earlier. "Did you get some rest?" he asked. "A little." She didn't ask what Akito had wanted; she might wonder until her head ached, but the bonds between individual Jyuunishi and their god were rarely discussed. It wasn't quite taboo, but the idea of prying for unoffered information made her uneasy. Instead, she rested her hand on his, felt it clench into a fist under her touch. She didn't ask if he was all right; the stiffness in his body was answer enough. He pulled his hand away and finally looked at her. "I can't touch you right now." He sighed and ran both hands through his hair, shaking his head. "I--Rin, I'm really sorry. I can't interact well right now, I can't--can't think." His voice was harsh, with frustration rather than anger. "Do what you have to do, love." She used the endearment deliberately, and his eyes locked on hers. "Love," he whispered back, as if the word were a lifeline. He reached out and trailed his fingers through the air by her face, not quite making contact. Rin felt a wave of protectiveness crash over her, as if they were still children, still young enough that her two-year advantage made her the one who had to take care of him. For the last few years he had been the protective one, maturing quickly out of necessity. Holding her together. "I'm here if you need to talk, but you don't have to," she said. Haru nodded, his eyes emptying of everything. It made him look like a breathing mannequin. Rin lay down slowly and waited for the blankness to pass. It frightened her more than any stories the family told about his famous temper. Awareness came back into his face sooner than she had hoped, and he pushed away from the bed. "Will you stay with me?" he asked, and Rin nodded. His hand passed near her skin again, still without touching, and then he turned away. He found a hand-held game on a shelf and leaned back to play. His shoulders were still tense, but losing himself in the game obviously calmed him. After a while he switched it off and rested his head on the mattress, close to her hips. She touched his forehead, ready to pull her hand back, and Haru sighed. "I'm really sorry," he said again. "I know." Rin stroked him lightly, the softness of his hair tickling the inside of her wrist. "Can I tell you . . . a little?" The Jyuunishi bond started aching somewhere inside her, too nebulous to locate. Too distinct to be confused with the pleasure of being in Haru's company. "Anything you want." "I don't know what it's like for you," Haru said. "Has Akito ever called for you?" Rin laughed. "Only when there's _no_ one else to choose from." "Does it bother you?" "No." He stared at her, and she grimaced. "A little. The bond makes me want it, but _I_ don't want to be close." "I don't get called all the time," Haru said. "She doesn't find me very interesting. She calls for me when she feels like touching me, and if I'm too close to her for too long I--I don't know, I . . . tune to her? Imprint on her? Anyway, the feeling lasts for a while, and . . . " He closed his eyes, but not before Rin saw the flash of real shame there. "I don't want to touch you until it's gone. It makes me feel like I'm betraying you." "Because you want her?" The steadiness of her own voice surprised her. "Usually she doesn't interest me. I swear she doesn't. But after I've been with her for a long time . . . even then, usually she just kind of pets me." Tension and anger bled into his voice. "Haru, you don't have to--" "Tonight she got me to lie down with her and hold her and--" He met Rin's eyes again, to see her reaction. "And I wanted her. I wanted her so badly, and she . . . " The words trailed off, their source too private to be shared. Rin caressed his face, struggling with a tangle of emotions she couldn't have found words to express, even if it had been a good time to share them. There was nothing she could say that wouldn't compound the guilt in Haru's eyes. She couldn't even decide if she wanted to know what Akito had done. "So I can't touch you," Haru said finally, as if his reasoning were clear. "Why?" A flicker of confusion crossed his face. "It's not right, when I can't connect with you properly. I won't do that to you." "I don't--" "_Don't_ tell me you don't mind, Rin." He moved out from under her hand and onto his knees, frowning at her. As she sat up, his hands came down hard on either side of her. He leaned forward, almost close enough to touch, and she moved so that their foreheads pressed together. "You're special," he whispered. "You're _you_, and you're mine, and I'm yours, I promise." "I know--I _know_ that, but I also know we both belong to her, and there's nothing we can do about that, so I . . . Of _course_ I mind, but I know you can't help it." Rin touched his lips with her fingertips, and for an instant he pressed his mouth close, tasting her; he jerked away almost at once, but not before she felt the straining need he was trying to suppress. "_Would_ it make you feel any better if we . . ?" Haru shook his head. "My body, maybe, but it wouldn't be worth it. Trying to sleep is probably the best thing." "Would it help you to be held, or make things worse?" "I don't know," he admitted. Rin nodded and lay back down, watching him. "It's really late," she said softly. "Let me hug you, and if it makes things worse I'll let you go." He hesitated long enough that she wasn't sure what he would do, but finally he moved to the edge of the bed. He left his clothes on, pausing only to strip off most of his jewelry, and let her gather him into her arms. "You're mine," she murmured. "You're mine and I love you." It was a long time before he relaxed into a restless sleep, but Rin stayed awake, kissing his face and hair, cradling him until long after the sky lightened outside the window. *********** "so put a candle in the window and a kiss upon his lips as the dish outside the window fills with rain" --Tom Waits, "Time" ******** Fruits Basket is the creation of Takaya Natsuki, and is licensed in North America by FUNimation (anime) and Tokyopop (manga). Used without permission or the intention of making a profit. Please support the original work! "In God's Hands" © 2004 by Ysabet MacFarlane . Edited by Alishya Lane. Comments and criticism welcomed at the above address. Continuity notes: Canonically, Rin and Haru don't know that Akito is female (at least not as of chapter 98, and certainly not while they were dating), so most aspects of this story are out of canon. 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