**************************** "Fear of Falling" (Part 2 of 2) a Fruits Basket fanfic by Ysabet MacFarlane **************************** "my body leaves no scar On you and never will Through windows in the dark The children come, the children go Like arrows with no targets Like shackles made of snow" -- Leonard Cohen, "True Love Leaves No Traces" (Death of a Ladies' Man) ******** Three nights after the operation Haru stopped waiting for her to contact him and simply appeared at her window. When she saw how pale he was, and the shadows under his eyes, she instantly regretting keeping him away for so long. It also reinforced her decision to not tell him about her encounter with Akito or its result. "Hi," he said awkwardly when she let him in. "Hi," she whispered back. "How are you?" His hand came to her face, brushed it so lightly she could have been imagining the touch. "I'm almost better. I've just been really tired, and still a little sore." She smiled a bit at the relief on his face. "I'm not that fragile, Haru. You can hug me." His arms were around her before she finished speaking, his hands moving over her body as if he didn't trust his eyes to tell him she was whole. One hand settled on her back, the other on her head. She kept herself from flinching at the sensation of fingers moving through her hair, forcing herself to ignore the memory of Akito's malevolent touch. "I'm fine, see?" "I was so worried," he muttered. "I wanted to go with you so badly, and then Tori-nii told me to let you rest and not call . . . Did they treat you well? Have you been eating? You feel like you've lost weight." "Yes, yes, and a little, I guess. _You_ look like you haven't slept." "Not very well," he admitted. "I wanted to be with you." Rin blinked back tears. "I wanted you with me too," she said. She had wanted him through every horrible moment of the last two weeks, when she was alone with the doctors Hatori had selected--all women, of course-- and when she woke up in recovery rooms, alone among strangers. But Akito would have known he was there. She squeezed her eyes shut and buried her face against Haru's throat, feeling his steady pulse against her forehead. *I have to protect him. I have to.* In the safety of his arms the tears and words she'd been fighting overflowed despite her effort at control. "The baby, Haru," she sobbed. "The baby's gone." She felt him rest his face on the top of her head. "I know, lovely girl," he whispered back. He held her close while she wept, and when the storm of tears showed no sign of stopping he moved her to the bed, undressed her as if she was a child, and settled with her under the blankets. If he noticed the small cut by her navel, or the fading bruise, he gave no indication that he thought they weren't supposed to be there. They lay curled together for a long time, and he kissed her face while she cried out all the tears she'd been shoving down. When she calmed enough to speak again, she lifted her head from his shoulder and asked, "Will you stay here tonight?" Haru kissed her nose and nodded. "I was hoping you'd want me to." She ran a fingertip along one of the shadows under an eye. "You look exhausted." He shrugged a little. "I'll be fine tomorrow. I always sleep well with you." Rin snuggled as close to him as she could, sliding an arm around his waist. "You should go to sleep, then." "Do you feel any better?" he asked. "I do. I also think you need some rest as much as I needed that." He smiled at that, but his eyes were suddenly serious. "Listen, Rin . . . " He took a slow breath and let it out, fell silent again. He leaned over and kissed her, a deep kiss that was nothing like the soft ones he'd given her since arriving. "Rin. You know I love you, even though you won't let me say it much, but . . . " He sat up and took one of her hands between his. "Akito probably wouldn't let me marry you, but I . . ." Another breath. She lay frozen, torn between love of and fear for him. "I'm yours. I promise. My heart, my body, everything--anything you need from me. No matter what happens." "Haru . . . " He stretched out beside her again, bringing her hand to his mouth. "Please don't say anything," he whispered. There was a terrible vulnerability on his face. "Just let me sleep beside you." Rin nodded slowly and lay back, feeling him settle against her. But-- "I love you, Haru." She couldn't keep the words back, and she watched his eyes warm as he savored them. She had never dared to say it aloud before. "I know," he said simply, and rested his head over her heart. They lay together in silence and waited for sleep. ******** A month passed, and another. Rin's body healed, although the erratic stomach pains that had always bothered her became routine. Haru made night visits as often as he could, sometimes even convincing her to come outside and play childhood games with him. It reminded her of how young he was, when he chased her through the dark with his cheeks flushed happily, trying valiantly to catch her. He never managed it. When they weren't playing they burrowed into each other's arms for warmth, kissing and jokingly trying to get the other to undress for other outdoor games. The first part of winter became a blur of good memories that they built around the core of loss that haunted them. Their innocence was gone, and they grasped after its shadow with all their strength. They were both gentler lovers than before, and when Haru insisted on taking great care not to conceive another child that they would have to lose, Rin took equal care not to hint that the precautions were unnecessary. *Someday I'll tell him*, she told herself. But she could never quite gather the courage to deliberately deepen his grief. Not when there was nothing he could do. ******** December 31 ******** New Year's Eve was cold and clear. Rin shivered as she looked out the window, wishing the holiday was over already. She had spent the day helping with the last cleaning of the year, but it hadn't taken long enough to fill all the hours before they had to leave for the Main House. She had packed a bag for the three days she was traditionally obligated to spend at 'home', and spent far longer picking her clothing for the evening's celebration than she cared to think about. Dressing for the Main House required a tricky balance: demure enough not to catch Akito's eye, but with enough of her usual look that no one would suspect her of being cowed. It was finally getting dark; after watching the dusk settling onto the trees behind the house, she turned back to her mirror for a final critical assessment. Skirt long and slit halfway up her thighs, but she knew how to move in it without flashing much leg. Her shirt was sleeveless but covered her to the base of her throat, where the eye would be caught by the studded choker she had put on as her only touch of defiance. It was a gift from Haru, similar to jewelry he wore. Fingerless lace gloves covered her arms past her elbow. Black, black, everything black, blending with her hair to wrap her in shadow. A knock drew her attention. "Isuzu?" "Coming." Rin took a warm wrap from the closet, arranged it over her shoulders, and picked up her bag as she opened the door. She and Kagura examined each other quickly. The older girl had opted for more color, but her clothes were simple. Even in her blind infatuation with Kyo, she knew that there was no point in dressing to attract him. As Rin remembered it, the cat was amazingly oblivious to such things. They exchanged slight nods, then Kagura sighed. "Mom wants to get going now. There're lots of people she hasn't seen for a while." Kagura's mother had grown up in the inner compound, leaving only when she married, and still had closer ties to the Main House than either her daughter or Rin did, despite their status as Jyuunishi. "All right." She followed Kagura down the hall, where they quickly traded their slippers in for boots and joined Kagura's mother at the doorway. The walk to the compound wasn't nearly long enough. Even with the cold burrowing into her skin, Rin wished she could have spent the whole night wandering without ever entering the family gates. *I could be a ghost and spend eternity on the roads.* She rubbed her arms as she shivered. *A cold ghost. Maybe not.* Through the main gate, then down the path to the compound's largest building. Akito lived in it, and there were rooms assigned for each of the Jyuunishi and their families on an upper floor. Rin and Kagura took a narrow side staircase up to leave their things in the rooms where they would live for the next few days. Rin's rooms were her own, at least; her parents still lived in their own house in the compound--which always struck her as odd, since she hadn't lived with them for years, and their right to live there was due to bearing a Jyuunishi child. But there was no point in complaining; the extensive funds allotted to the Jyuunishi and their caretakers had at least been redirected to Kagura's mother when she took Rin in. She sighed as she put her bag down on the low table, knowing that she shouldn't even unpack it herself. Sometime during the evening, a servant would put her things away. She found her brush and ran it through her hair one last time in preparation for joining the family. A very old jade carving of the Horse hung from a hook beside the door. Rin picked it up and ran her fingers over it, the stone worn smooth by the touch of her predecessors, the silk cord newer and still bright. She straightened up determinedly, as if the family's eyes were already on her, and went back into the hallway. There was a second hook beside the door, and she carefully hung the carving on it to show that she was in residence. She walked slowly down the hall to a wider staircase, noting who else was present. Kagura's Boar was already hanging in its place, as were the Rabbit, Monkey, Sheep, Tiger, Bird, and Ox. She eyed the Bird and wondered if it had moved from its place outside the door in years; cast a puzzled glance at the space where the Dragon should be. Hatori was always punctual; he must simply not have come upstairs yet. She brushed her fingers over the Ox as she passed, closing her eyes as if she could draw strength from Haru's symbol, but didn't stop. Relatives surrounded her the moment she entered the large room that dominated the ground floor, coming close to offer greetings. All of their voices seemed to blend together, and she was glad that she wasn't quite expected to know their names. "Isuzu-san, happy new year!" "Isuzu-san, it is so lovely to see you." "You look well, Isuzu-san." Even, occasionally, from the older relatives, a quiet murmur of "Isuzu-sama" that made her skin chill even as she smiled back. No one touched her as she passed, though; small girls were permitted to stare at her with wide eyes, while boys were carefully kept back. New Year's: the annual gathering of the family, and the display of the Jyuunishi. Rin wished Kagura's mother hadn't wanted to come early; she couldn't really retire from the family's gaze until the Jyuunishi's private banquet began, and it was easily an hour until then. She and Haru saw each other at the same time, and both turned away instead of crossing the room to talk. The need to be discreet was imprinted too deeply to override. She glanced around to see if any of the other Jyuunishi were nearby, and realized Kisa was surprisingly close, looking extremely uncomfortable. Rin made her way to the younger girl and touched her hand. "Kisa-chan, are you all right?" she asked quietly. Kisa nodded without meeting her eyes. Rin frowned, feeling a pang of worry. "Kisa?" The small hand in hers suddenly returned her grip, and Rin turned to see Akito entering the room. She watched as Akito made a slow circuit through the family, pausing to speak graciously to everyone who addressed him. It was his habit to come and go, mingling with the family he ruled and then retiring to a small room before returning. He seemed to be carefully hunting the Jyuunishi on this round, she noticed uneasily. She tried to be unobtrusive as she watched him greet Hiro, the youngest of the cursed, putting a hand on the child's head in a benevolent gesture. From there he went to Kagura, who bowed deeply to him, and acknowledged whatever he said without meeting his eyes. He seemed to pay her no particular attention, and Rin felt a pang of relief. As Akito turned away she caught Kagura's worried glance, realized that the Head was approaching them. Kisa was shaking against her; Rin squeezed her hand tightly and made herself smile as Akito came to them, the family between them parting like water. Then he was in front of them, and Rin found herself pinned by his eyes, unable to understand what he was saying. She hoped the words coming out of her mouth in reply made sense; after a moment Akito smiled and caught a lock of her hair in his hand. He slid it over his finger and then released it as if he had accidentally touched something foul. He barely looked at Kisa. And then he was walking away, and Rin found herself struggling to breathe, as if her lungs had forgotten how to function. Kisa pressed close to her for a moment, and then was gone. After a moment Hatori came over to her, and Rin looked up at him uncertainly. "Did Kisa say anything to you?" he asked without preamble. "No," she replied, confused. A shadow crossed his face and then was gone, replaced by his usual inscrutable expression. "Have you seen Shigure or the boys?" She blinked at him, then realized he meant Yuki and Kyo. "No, I haven't. Shouldn't they be here by now?" He sighed. "Akito's getting impatient. He hasn't seen Yuki in a long time." "Yuki hasn't been visiting him when he comes to the House?" "Yuki hasn't set foot in the compound in months," Hatori said. As if Hatori's presence made it safe to approach, Haru appeared beside them, looking convincingly disinterested as he glanced at Rin, only a flicker of a smile touching his face as he saw his gift around her neck. "Any sign of Yuki or Kyo?" he asked. "We were just discussing their absence," Hatori said. "I hope they get here soon," Haru grumbled, stretching. "I'm feeling edgy. Maybe Kyo'll want to have a last fight this year." Concerned, Rin risked a close look at him, but there was no hint of his Black persona around him. "Don't worry, I just haven't had a workout for a while," Haru added quietly. Hatori gave them a warning glance, and Haru turned away. "I'm gonna go keep an eye out for them." "Take a coat," Hatori reminded him. "Sure, Tori-nii." Then they were both gone. Rin wandered aimlessly through the room after they left, waiting for the Jyuunishi to be summoned. She kept a smile on her face even when she accidentally came within range of her parents, who apparently felt obliged to come and greet her. She endured the brief conversation, glad that her mother's sense of propriety didn't extend to hugging her, and was relieved when Momiji's clear voice rang out over the assembled family. Rin turned from her parents and saw the Rabbit perched up on a chair to compensate for his slight height, dressed in the elaborate robes that linked him to the changing year. "Guten Abend!" he sang out, silencing the room. "The Jyuunishi are called to a banquet this evening. Let them attend with all speed." He bowed carefully and returned to the floor without so much as tripping over the robes. Rin blinked at the break from tradition--usually Akito called them, making a full show of their procession and the ritual snubbing of the Cat. She nodded to her parents and walked away, not really caring. Kagura shot her a vaguely confused look when they met at the door and went into the room where the Jyuunishi ate together, but it wasn't until they had all entered and the door had been shut that she realized Yuki was missing. Kagura saw her make the connection. "Shi-chan arrived a little while ago without them." Even as she spoke, Shigure cleared his throat to catch their attention. "Yuki-kun and Kyo-kun won't be here tonight," he said simply, in a tone that indicated he wasn't planning on discussing it. He went to the table and sat in his place, and after a moment the others followed suit. Rin glanced down the table at Haru, who looked thoughtful. She wondered what Shigure had said to him, then shook her head and tried to make herself pay attention to the food--easily the best meal any of them would have in a year, with months of planning and days of preparation behind it. She let herself be distracted by Ayame's cheerful conversation, glad for once that she was seated so close to him. He required little feedback from anyone to keep up his lengthy commentary on whatever had caught his interest lately. The banquet passed in a blur; she only realized it was over when Hatori reached past Ayame and touched her hand firmly, alerting her to the distant ringing of New Year's bells. She blinked at him, discovering that she had somehow eaten a respectable amount, although she didn't remember much of it--her mouth still had pleasant tastes in it, and her stomach wasn't acting up for once. She also found that she had a headache. Having caught her attention, Hatori nodded at her and stood up. He, Shigure, Ayame, and Kureno left the room first, leaving the younger Jyuunishi to compose themselves before venturing back out. Kisa was yawning sleepily, and Rin wondered if she and Hiro would make it until sunrise. She stood slowly, reluctant to rejoin the family. "Rin." Haru's voice startled her, and she turned to face him. "You ok?" "Fine. A little headachy." She shrugged. "We should go out, I guess." She could hear Kagura and Momiji in the small side room, working on getting Momiji out of his ceremonial clothing, but everyone else had left without her noticing. "Mm. I know. One thing first." He took her hand and glanced at the doors to make sure no one could see them. "Happy new year, love." He bent and kissed her, hugging her close. Rin smiled against his mouth in spite of the fear of discovery and returned the embrace. "I know we shouldn't," he said softly. "I just wanted to make sure of the first kiss this year." He brushed her hair back with one hand and raised his voice so the other two could hear him. "Kagura-nee, you and Rin should get going. I'll help Momiji." "Ok," Kagura called back. As she came in, Rin stepped back reluctantly and walked away from Haru. Her body felt cold where he had been pressed against her, but she tightened her wrap around herself and went through the outer door with Kagura, back into the press of their kin. Things were quieter now, and they were able to find a place to sit down and rest. They were still the targets of deep, respectful bows, but the formal greetings were no longer necessary. Rin leaned back, aware of Kagura's quiet sadness over Kyo's absence but unable to think of anything useful to say. Akito was circling again, but Rin could think of nothing she might have done to attract his attention. She watched idly as he leaned against Hatori, one hand drifting up the doctor's arm in a way that might have been sensual if it hadn't been so careless. He often acted that way with some of the male Jyuunishi; Rin ignored it as she had all her life. Ignored it when Akito eventually wound up in a similarly languid stance against Shigure. Tried to ignore it when, after Haru reappeared, Akito approached and embraced him. She turned away, but was unable to keep from looking back; she tilted her head so that she could look through the curtain of her hair. Akito was talking to someone else over Haru's shoulder, while slowly caressing his expressionless face. The thin fingers ran over the small hoops in his ears, down his neck, and across his back. Haru must have reacted, because Akito turned his gaze back to him and said something Rin couldn't hear. A sharp pain in her arm drew her attention back; Kagura had her in a tight grip and had dug her nails in. "Stop it, Isuzu," she hissed under her breath. "You know that's how Akito is. Stop looking." "I can't help it," Rin whispered back. Kagura shook her slightly, coming close to breaking her skin. "Yes, you can. Besides, it'll be worse for Haru-chan if he knows you're watching." She let go abruptly. "You know Akito won't really do anything to him." "I know," Rin echoed miserably. She stared at Kagura, trying unsuccessfully to think of something to distract herself with. After a few minutes she glanced into the room again, trying to look casual. Haru's back was to her, Akito's fingers in his hair as the Head leaned against him. While she watched, Akito stepped back and headed out of the room, taking Haru with him. "He'll be fine," Kagura said quietly. "Akito likes him, remember." Rin swallowed hard, a deep ache stabbing through her stomach. "I'm going upstairs, Kagura." "Be back before Akito is," the older girl said. Rin didn't answer, standing so quickly that she felt dizzy. "Isuzu!" "I _know_, Kagura." She smoothed her skirt carefully, distracting herself from the need to bolt from the room. When she was satisfied with it, she turned and walked out, schooling her features into calm acknowledgement of the nods that followed her. Only when she was halfway up the stairs did she let herself hurry, propelled by the additional urgency of her body's reaction to her emotional state. She closed the door behind her as she entered her rooms, and abandoned her dignity to flee into the small toilet room, barely pulling her hair away from her face before she threw up. It seemed like hours before the painful retching subsided and she was able to pull herself back to her feet and go into the bathing room to rinse her mouth and face. When she came out, the clock said it had been much less time; she sat on the bed and stared at it numbly, calculating the time until sunrise. *I have to get back,* she reminded herself, but she stretched out instead, burying her face in a pillow. *Just for a minute.* The bed was large and comfortable, but its unfamiliarity put her off. Sleeping alone in a strange bed for three nights, knowing Haru was down the hall and yet couldn't come to her, was far more depressing than being alone in her own bed. There was no question that they had to avoid each other even here, where few other people came; any Jyuunishi in residence at the House might be summoned at any time Akito felt the whim. *Three days.* Rin forced herself to get back up, stared into the mirror while she arranged her features back into a courteous, neutral mask. Her entire body ached with tension, but she made herself turn and walk back out and down the stairs. ******** When the New Year's celebrations were finally over and they were free to leave the compound Haru didn't walk back to Kagura's house with them, but Rin wasn't surprised when he stopped by an hour or so after they'd arrived. She was in the kitchen instead of her room, but she saw a flicker of movement outside the window and excused herself quickly, slipping out the back door without stopping to put on a coat. Haru closed his hand over hers and tugged her back into the shadows cast by the light from the house. "You'll freeze," he chided her, opening his coat so she could slide into it with him. "Don't be silly," she replied as she snuggled against him, lacing her fingers behind his back. "You're warm." Haru bent his head and pressed his face against her hair, his breath hot on her skin. They stood motionless for several minutes, but then he pulled back a little. "I can't stay," he said quietly. "I'm going over to Shigure-sensei's house in the morning." Rin blinked up at him. "You just saw him." He nodded slowly. "I know. But I haven't seen Yuki in a long time. I'm worried about him." Rin closed her eyes and focused on the way he was holding himself against her, noticing the subtle strain running through his body. "And . . ?" He met her eyes squarely. "And I want to see Kyo. I need a fight, Rin. I've got to burn it off." He swallowed hard. "You can feel it, can't you?" She could. He was almost vibrating with . . . something. "Can't you get that from Yuki?" Haru laughed. "Yuki's too much of a challenge for me. He's brilliant. But I might be able to take Kyo." She frowned, worried. "And if you can't?" "Then I can't. It doesn't matter." He traced her face in the dark, and she wondered how she could have missed the tension in him for even a moment. "I can't stay like this. The House, it . . . got under my skin." Rin shuddered involuntarily, remembering Akito's slow hands on him. He took a step back from her, letting a gust of cold air hit her skin. "I have to go, Rin." "What's it like?" she asked softly, watching her breath steaming over his shoulder. He didn't look at her. "Like something pressing on my brain," he said after a moment. "Sometimes I go Black fast, but sometimes it just builds and builds . . . " He rubbed his forehead as if he was in pain. "Like anything could set it off. Set me off." "You really can't stop it?" Haru met her eyes again, and there was something in him she couldn't read. "I stop wanting to stop it." The words came slowly, as if dragged out of him, but they came. "It feels _good_ sometimes, and then it takes a while to get control back, and I . . ." She came close to him again, shivering from the cold, and he put his hands on her shoulders to hold her away. "I _can't_ stay. Go inside, Rin," he whispered. She shook her head, sending tendrils of hair whipping in the rising wind. She was close enough to see the slight tremor that went through him, the way his mouth worked as if he couldn't find the right words for her. His fingers clenched into her shoulders and he pulled her back against him, leaned down to kiss her. It was a hard kiss, walking and then crossing the line between lust and violence. She felt her mouth bruising as he explored it, tasted the faintest hint of blood when the inside of her mouth and the edges of her teeth came together the wrong way. She was dizzy when he let her go, and it took a moment to catch her balance and meet his eyes again. His gaze was steady now, but his face had gone white. He was still in control. "That's me too," he told her. Rin took a deep breath and slid one hand behind his head, tangling her fingers in his hair and bringing his face down to within an inch of hers. "I'm not scared of Black Haru," she said quietly, pressing her body into his. Something dark flared and settled behind his eyes. "But I am," he replied. His hands were still on her shoulders; he moved as if he was going to push her away, then stilled as if he couldn't. One hand ran down her back, and she let herself respond to the touch, shifting her hips against his. Haru closed his eyes, but she could still read the struggle on his face. "Please don't make me need you, Rin." He looked at her again. "I love you. Please don't." *I'm being selfish.* The thought hit her too hard not to be true. She stared up at him for another moment, and then nodded slowly. She stepped back and let her hand cup his cheek lightly for a moment. "Be careful, Haru," she said quietly. "I will. It'll be fine, I promise. I'll be home tomorrow night." He took her hand from his face and squeezed it gently before turning away and disappearing into the darkness. ******** It was over a week before she saw him again. After three days Hatori called her to say that he had put doctor's orders on Haru to stay in the compound for a few days. "Why?" Rin asked, instantly afraid. "What's wrong with him?" "What?" Hatori sounded a bit tired, which meant he must be completely exhausted. "He's not sick, Isuzu. He just got back from Shigure's house, and he's been exposed to the cold they've all got there. And about half of the family in the inner compound is down with a particularly nasty flu, so he might be carrying that too. Frankly, I'm keeping him here because I don't have the time or energy to deal with treating you three as well as everyone here and at Shigure's. Try not to get sick over there--especially you. You've missed too much school this year." Rin almost laughed. "I'm glad to hear you're so worried about us, Hatori-nii. Don't get sick yourself, ok?" "Doctors don't get sick, Isuzu," he said in the deadpan voice that had convinced most of the family that he had no sense of humor at all. "Are you keeping Haru out of school?" she asked. "No. I don't have to treat his classmates, and he's already missed two days this week." He was gone before Rin could ask any more questions. She hung up the phone with a sigh. It was another five days before Haru called her himself, to say that Hatori had decided he wasn't coming down with anything after all and did she want to meet for lunch? She did. They met downtown at a hot pot restaurant, and Rin barely kept herself from flying into his arms when she saw him. But they were out in public, so she restricted herself to a light touch on his wrist and a close examination. He looked . . . much better, she concluded after a moment. "How was Yuki?" she asked after they were seated at a table, prodding chunks of meat as they floated in the steaming broth. "He's doing well," Haru replied, his eyes lighting up with his affection for the other boy. Rin sat and listened as he told her about the visit, occasionally retrieving a cooked bite of meat and eating it thoughtfully. "So it was a good visit," she concluded when he was done. "That's good." He nodded with a smile; then his forehead creased a little. "But I lost my bike." Rin swallowed the broth in her mouth a little too fast, trying not to grin. "How?" He looked at her earnestly, his eyes wide with bewilderment. "I have no idea." She stopped trying not to laugh, and after a moment he joined in. ******** May ******** Later, Rin decided that it had been the warmth of the evening that made them careless; that, and the fact that they had kept their secret safely for so long. They were walking through the compound, savoring the dusk and each other's company, though they were careful not to touch each other or attract particular attention. But the deepening darkness made them feel almost safe as they walked. "What are you doing here?" Rin's head snapped around at the sound of her mother's voice. She and Haru had been in such deep conversation that they had accidentally taken the path by her parents' house instead of taking the longer route that avoided it. She stumbled slightly, felt Haru's hand close on her elbow to catch her. Her mother stood on the front step, staring at them with narrowed eyes. "Just . . . we're just walking, Mother." "You're not supposed to be around here. Why aren't you at Kagura- san's house?" Rin saw Haru slide a glance at her, willing to follow her lead; she silently considered the truth and decided it was safe enough. She felt him tensing as she trembled, his hand tightening on her arm. "Hatsuharu-kun invited me to his house for supper," she said. "It's well past supper. You should leave." Her mother turned to go back inside. Before she could decide if she should point out that Haru had been walking her to the front gate, he took what little control she had over the situation out of her hands. "Wait," he said. Her mother looked back at them, frowning. "Wait a moment." There was a hard edge to his voice that might have been mistaken for irritation by a stranger, but not by another Sohma. Black Haru was dangerously close to the surface. "Haru," she whispered, touching his arm. "Haru, it's fine. Let's just leave." He turned his head slowly to look at her, his eyes eerily blank in the deepening darkness. She ran her thumb over his tattoo, trying to re-center him with the familiar gesture. "Let's go." It might have worked. A flicker of hesitation crossed his face. But the sound of footsteps on the path behind them distracted him again, and then her father's voice sent him over the edge. "Isuzu, what the hell are you wearing?" She turned to face her father as he raked his eyes over her in annoyance, taking in the short skirt and low- cut shirt. He took a step toward her, and all the willpower in the world couldn't keep her from instinctively drawing back and bringing her arms up to cover her face. Haru's reassuring touch vanished, and she knew he had let the fury take him. "Why are you asking?" he hissed, stepping toward her father. "Do you think you have some say in what she wears?" Rin saw her father's expression change as he realized who he was facing. "Think you can just hit her and she'll go home and get changed?" Haru's hand snapped out and closed on the older man's collar, dragging him close. "Scared of me, are you? Scared I'll hurt you?" "Haru, don't--" Rin whispered, but she doubted that he heard her. A flurry of movement, and then her father was on the ground, a hand pressed to the side of his face. Haru stood over him, shivering with rage. "You should be scared," he said softly. "Get up." No response. "I said GET UP." He reached down and hauled the man to his feet. "Maybe I'll be nice to you and only hit you once for every ten times you hit Rin," he continued. "You spread it out over a couple of years with her, after all. Wouldn't want to kill you, would I?" He let the question linger in the air, long enough for her father to wonder, and then punched him once, twice, again. Rin whimpered, but it was her mother who caught Haru's attention. "Stop it, Hatsuharu-san!" He turned to the house, the light from the open door playing across his face. "Come and stop me," he invited. "You really don't want me going up there after you. Come here." He smirked as she hesitantly came down the few steps to the path, grabbed her arm when she was too slow. "Don't even think about trying to transform me," he warned. "I can't say I don't want to hit you, but I won't if you don't make me." "Make you?" she stammered as he shoved her in front of Rin. "Hatsuharu-san--" "Doesn't that sound familiar?" he spat. "It's what you always said to her! 'Don't make us hit you, it's not our fault!' You make me want to puke, both of you!" "We never . . !" "Shut up." He put his hand on her shoulder and forced her onto her knees. Rin stared down at her, uncomprehending. "Don't lie to me, bitch." His voice was soft and relentless. "Rin told me what you did. And I was there when you told her not to come home again, remember?" He shook her, hard. "I heard you. I was too small to stop you, but I've grown up. I'll tell you again. Apologize to Rin." Rin saw her father get to his feet and come up behind Haru, but before she could say anything Haru lashed out behind him, without even turning to look. The blow connected solidly, and her father staggered back. "Apologize," Haru repeated. "Or I swear I'll beat him to a pulp." Rin felt numb, quietly amazed that she was still on her feet. She watched as her mother looked up at him, at the vicious expression that he took on when he went Black. She swallowed hard as her mother turned to stare at the ground. "I'm sorry, Isuzu." The halfhearted apology was followed by the dull sound of a kick landing on her father's side. "Again," Haru said flatly. "At least try to sound like you mean it." "I'm sorry." Another sound of impact. Rin dully noticed that her mother was crying. "I'm sorry. I am." Haru moved again, and her mother flinched. "Isuzu, make him stop! You don't know what it was like! I'm sorry!" "What it was like?" Through her daze, it seemed to Rin that Haru was everywhere, his almost-tangible wrath crackling the air. "What was it like? It must have been horrible having a child who loved you and adored the ground you walked on! What a terrible fate to have a smart, beautiful daughter who did everything you asked her to and loved being with you!" He took a sudden, harsh breath and pivoted back to face her father, who was curled on the ground. "Tell her you're sorry." As he moved to strike again, Rin broke out of her stupor. "Haru!" He was fast, but no amount of rage could make him her equal in speed. She sidestepped away from her mother and flung herself forward, between Haru and her father, who was trying to get up. She wondered if Haru would simply move her, and whether she could stop him; as she was forming the thought her subconscious acted for her, pressing her back against her father's chest. She couldn't bring herself to actually hug him, but it would do. Her human form melted away in a burst of smoke, and she caught her balance easily on four legs, shifting her weight to block Haru. She didn't speak; even when she had thought they loved her, her parents had been too unnerved by her transformation into animal shape to deal with the additional strangeness of her continuing to have human speech. In their presence she was rendered mute. Instead she pranced in place, careful not to trample her retreating father, and turned to look at Haru. Her transformation had startled him enough that he stood still, gazing back with a bit less madness in his eyes. "Rin?" She shook her head, desperately willing him to calmness. He reached out and touched her, slowly running his fingers through her mane and across her back. "Rin, I . . . " He came close and wrapped his arms around her neck, at silent war with himself. She rested her forehead against his chest and let him wage it, trying to ignore her parents' dismay as they stared at her. When her skin tingled in the way that meant she was about to change back to herself, she stepped away from him. As human flesh reformed, she found she didn't know whether it was worse to be naked in front of people she distrusted or to go through the awkwardness of dressing in front of them. She crouched down and wrapped her arms around herself to try to stay warm, her hair curtaining her body. Haru inhaled slowly and turned to glare at her parents. "Get back into your precious childless house, both of you, before I kill you." His voice was still edged with fury. Both adults hesitated, wondering whether to trust him. "MOVE!" The ferocity in his eyes mobilized them; without so much as another look at their daughter, they both staggered to their feet and fled inside. From the doorway her mother called back, in a quavering voice, "What will Akito-san think when he hears of this?" "He probably already knows about it," Haru replied. "He'll probably punish me as much as he punished you two." The knowledge that Akito had not punished them at all hung in the air before the door closed abruptly. Haru stood staring after them as if he'd been rooted to the spot. Rin continued to hug herself, wondering how long it would take for him to return to his senses. She closed her eyes tightly and tried to steady her breathing. After what seemed like forever, she felt his arms close tentatively around her. "Rin?" His voice was almost inaudible. "Rin, are you ok?" "You scared me," she whispered, not quite trusting her voice. "I meant to scare _them_," he replied. "I think you managed that. Can we--will you walk me back to Kagura's? I don't want to stay here." Haru nodded and carefully helped her up. Her muscles were cramping with cold and tension, and she winced as she moved. "Rin--" "I'm fine." "You always say that right up until you collapse," he muttered, but made no real argument. He stood protectively close while she gathered her clothing and started dressing; she was glad she'd worn a looser skirt than usual, not relishing the idea of lying down on the cold earth to work her way into it. She started walking before she'd even finished fastening her shirt or put on her boots, but Haru didn't comment. Once they had left the compound, she sat on the first stoop they came to and tugged them on, working the laces with the speed of long practice despite the fact that she was still trembling. "Do you think Akito does know?" she asked, tilting her head back to look at the stars. "Not unless someone tells him," Haru said. "Bet they'll believe he does, though; the rest of the family doesn't seem to have any idea how the connection between him and us works." "_We_ barely know how it works," she reminded him. Her stomach clenched painfully. "Haru, what if he finds out about us?" "From what happened? I don't think there's an obvious connection." "He doesn't like it when Kisa or Kagura or I spend too much time with you or the other males," she said softly. "And he might wonder why you went Black on my parents." "Rin, everyone in the Main House knows how they treated you--" "Yuki's parents were pretty bad, and if you haven't attacked _them_ . . . everyone knows how close you are to him . . . " His hand was warm and reassuring on the back of her neck. "We'll deal with it." She wanted desperately to tell him what Akito had already done to her, but smothered the urge. Telling him would change nothing. Instead she stood up and pulled him to his feet. "Will you stay the night?" She tried to make her tone light, push the fear away. "I doubt Akito's doing bed checks, and there's no school tomorrow." She let him hold her before they walked on, trying to shake the feeling of impending doom. *He can't protect me. But I'll do my best to protect him.* ******** There was no formal summons the second time. Rin was wandering through one of the hallways of a building the family used for storage, glancing out the window to appreciate the view of the Main House from the second story. All of the windows were wide open to let in the sunlight and the spring air. Afterwards she could never remember what she had been looking for, only the sudden chill that ran up her spine at the soft sound of footsteps behind her. She was too scared to look, and too scared not to. "Hello, Isuzu." She turned to face Akito, inevitability coalescing into reality as she saw the small smile on his face. ******** Judgment came down on her, and she fell. ******** Shigure was sitting beside the bed when she tried to open her eyes and move. A whimper escaped from behind her teeth. He looked up from the book he was reading and sighed. "Gure-nii?" She could barely shape his name. Her throat didn't seem to be working properly. He lifted a glass of water to her lips and supported her head while she drank. The coolness of it felt good, but swallowing was painful. She coughed and pain stabbed through her ribs. "What're you doing here?" she managed. Her vision was skewed; it took her another moment to realize that her left eye was bandaged shut, removing her depth perception. She had never hurt so much in her life. He leaned over her, a trace of emotion showing through his usual cheerful mask. "I was sent to give you a message, Rin. I was told to tell you as soon as you woke up." He kissed her forehead lightly and stared down at her. "Akito sends his love." Her entire body jerked in panic, sending a spiral of agony along her nerves. She clenched her teeth to hold in the scream, and tasted blood. Shigure touched her arm. "He told me to tell you. I'm sorry." The sound of his footsteps heading for the door, and his voice calling for a nurse, followed her back down into unconsciousness. ******** A cycle of days and nights and weeks in the blank sterility of the hospital became her life, punctuated by bland meals, an endless round of pills, attempts to escape, and the look on Haru's face when she broke his heart. *I don't need you anymore.* ******** There was no variation to her dreams. Only a cold, misty place where there was no ground, and her mother and Akito were laughing at her. *Your only purpose is to fill in the numbers. The Jyuunishi don't want you either.* Her face hurt. Her throat hurt. Every breath was a frantic struggle, blackness creeping at the edges of her vision from the lack of air. But all the pain was better than the falling. In her dream, she fell forever, waiting for the shock of the ground. ******** Rin woke up to a familiar touch on her arm; in her drowsy state she welcomed it. "Mmm . . . Haru?" But even as she spoke she remembered where she was and jerked her arm away, her shoulder tensing with pain as she tried to move further than the nearly-healed gash allowed. "You shouldn't be here." "I wanted to make sure you were ok." She didn't have the energy to throw him out again. She hadn't slept well in weeks, despite the pills the nurses insisted on forcing down her throat. "I'm not supposed to have visitors." "Hiro and Shigure-sensei both say they've seen you, and Tori-nii." "Hatori-nii's my doctor, Haru. And it's after hours." "I know. I sneaked in, and Kagura-nee's making sure no one comes in." "How's she going to stop anyone?" Haru laughed a little. "She's going to out-stubborn them. I wish them luck getting past the Boar when she's determined." "Why are you here? You don't have boyfriend obligations anymore." She regretted the words instantly, saw their impact in his eyes even as he smiled. "I know. But I wanted to see if you needed anything." "You could have asked during visiting hours." "I could have, if you hadn't told the staff not to let me in," he replied calmly. Rin grimaced. "You didn't trash part of the hospital when they told you, did you?" "No . . . just a classroom at school." She couldn't think of anything to say to that. The idea that something she had done had invoked his Black side took her aback, even as a small voice in her head whispered, *What did you expect when you broke up with him like that?* "_Do_ you need anything?" Haru asked quietly. He glanced around her room. "There's not much in here." "I've been doing some reading, and keeping up with my homework," she said. "And remembering what being alone feels like." She closed her eyes against the look in his. "I can't be tangled up with you anymore, Haru." She wondered if the turmoil inside was visible to him. Her stomach ached with it, a chronic pain that made eating and sleeping difficult, but there was nothing to be done about it. Telling the nurses would just mean more pills, and telling Haru was unthinkable, but . . . "Well." He sighed and glanced at the door. "The offer's open, if you think of anything." Misery won out over her determination. "Would you . . . hug me?" He stood still for a long moment, and then came to kneel beside the bed, started to gather her up in his arms. "Like you used to?" A flicker of pain darted across his face, but he nodded and came back to his feet. He carefully eased himself onto the narrow bed behind her as she rolled onto her side to make room. "Just for now," she whispered again. "I can't--I'm not--" "Not taking me back, I know. You said that." Haru lay down slowly and rested his arm on her. His breath warmed the back of her neck through her hair. "Do you understand?" "Nope." He pressed against her, so close that she could feel the slow rise of his chest as he inhaled her scent, but kept his hands from touching her. "Rin," he said quietly. "Thank you for everything." Her breath caught in her chest, deepening the dull pain in her stomach. "Don't thank me." She curled up around herself. "Do you want to forget it?" "_No_." She craned her neck around to try to see him. "It was . . . over so suddenly, Haru," she whispered. He was too polite to remind her that it was she who had ended it, but she felt him stiffen. "No, that's . . . I didn't mean it like that. I just wish I could . . . " She trailed off as her thoughts began to crystallize with purpose. Haru propped himself up on his elbow, leaving a cool spot on her back where his warmth had been. "What exactly are you asking for?" "I don't know." "I don't believe you." He sat up and put his hand on her uninjured shoulder, pushing her slowly onto her back. The moonlight was too bright to pretend that she couldn't see him clearly. Rin licked her lips nervously. "I want . . . I want to be with you one more time. I want to remember what it's like." He frowned slightly. "And . . ?" She felt tears welling and forced them down. "Just . . . if you . . . don't say that you love me." "But I _do_--" She could feel the sudden tension running through him, though he kept his voice low. His fingers tightened painfully on her shoulder. "Damn it, Rin, I'm not going to fuck you." He almost spat the last words at her, and she realized suddenly that the tension was anger. "You used to," she shot back, too off-balance to stay calm. His weight on her shoulder grew heavier as he bent over her, pinning her down. "No. I didn't. I--" He shook his head, the anger leaving him as fast as it had come. "And you _know_ I didn't. You know damn well I loved you with everything I had, every time. I don't understand you, Rin." He stretched out beside her again, slipped a hand behind her head and drew her face close to his. "Haru, I--" "Shhh." The kiss he gave her brought back too many memories, too fast; tears started to escape down her cheeks. He wiped at them with his free hand, not releasing her for several heartbeats. When he lifted his head he stared straight into her eyes, not letting her look away. "I won't _say_ that I love you," he said quietly. "But I promised myself to you, and my body's part of the package." He took a deep breath. "If that's what you need." "I freed you from that promise," she said, and he nodded. "That's fine. I didn't." He took a shaky breath. "But . . . Rin, are you really up to it? How recovered are you? Tori-nii won't give me any information." "I'm well enough," she replied. "Just be careful." He nodded, then hesitated suddenly. "Careful. I don't have anything with me. Um . . . " "I'd have been surprised if you did," she whispered back, a tiny analytical corner of her mind bemused by the idea of a male fifteen year old thinking so responsibly. "Don't . . . don't worry about it, ok?" "It's _not_ ok," he said fiercely. "We weren't careful before, and what happened . . . happened." They stared at each other in the dark, the shared memory chaining them together. *And he doesn't even know all of it.* Rin exhaled slowly, pushing the pain down. "Haru. Trust me. It won't happen again." His eyes searched hers slowly, and she willed him not to press the issue. After a long moment he nodded and let her pull him against her. In the beginning it was all as natural as if they had never been apart, and Rin found herself trying to imprint it all onto her memory. The taste of his mouth; the way his hair tickled her face when he kissed her throat; how at first his fingers moved over her body so lightly it was like being touched by a ghost, before pressing down into her skin. She was unfastening his belt with the ease of familiarity when his hands, exploring, came across one of the new scars on her side and lingered on it, tracing the slight ridge it made of her skin. She went rigid against him, but he continued touching it. "Don't, Haru." "Why?" he asked softly. His other hand had found the deep scar on her shoulder blade, the worst of the several she had acquired, and was outlining it with slow deliberation. "Don't. Please." After a moment he took his hands away and sat up. She caught at him in surprise. "Haru?" "You don't trust me," he whispered. She started to shake her head, but fell motionless at the look he gave her. "I can deal with you 'not needing' me anymore, but I can't do this if you don't trust me." "I trust you," she protested. "Then why did you shut down like that?" She gestured helplessly, unable to frame a reply. "I'll make love with you in silence if that's what you want, but I won't do it if you're not completely with me. If all I wanted was for my hormones to shut up I could make arrangements with some girl at school." The terrible intensity in his voice paralyzed her. "I want _you_." As she groped for words, his eyes softened. "Rin. I won't ask you to tell me whatever it is you're hiding, ok? But _trust_ me." She nodded slowly, trying to find her voice. "All right." "All right," he echoed, and then his hands were on her again, turning her back onto her side. She felt the bed shift with his weight as he pushed her nightshirt up under her arms. She shivered at the air on her skin, and then at his lips moving purposefully over the healing scars on her back. Between his hands and his mouth he quickly reduced her to a trembling ache of longing, with the ease only a familiar or long-desired lover could. It was not a drawn-out encounter; it couldn't have been even if they'd wanted it to be, with Kagura standing guard outside the door, but slow hours of tenderness weren't what Rin wanted at the moment anyway. Haru pressed himself tightly against her back, not letting her reach around to touch him in return, every movement full of a hunger that matched hers. "Haru--" she started, but he slid a hand lightly over her mouth, laughing when she bit and licked his fingers. "Shhh. You're not allowed to talk if I'm not." She pulled away from his hand enough to whisper, "I never said you couldn't talk." "Mmm, that's true, but you told me not to say the only thing I want to." Tears started in her eyes, but his hand was over her mouth again, and then he was inside her. "Be with me, Rin. For right now." She nodded against his hand, and let herself stop thinking of anything but Haru's scent, his other hand touching her, the way their bodies molded to and moved with each other. ******** She wrapped her hand around his when he made to get up. "Are you leaving?" She felt very small as he slid out from under the covers and put his clothes back on. She must have looked as vulnerable as she felt, because he sat back down beside her. "I have to. Kagura-nee can't keep the nurses away forever. And even if the doctors wouldn't have a fit if they found me here in the morning, I . . . " He hesitated. "I don't want to stay until you tell me to leave again." She bit her lip but didn't deny it. "Haru . . . " He sighed and lay down beside her again, on top of the blankets. "Go to sleep, Rin." He cradled her against him in the way he had, as if she was something very fragile. And precious. "I'll stay until you fall asleep." He stroked her hair lightly, and she closed her eyes to better hear the rhythm of his breath. She felt safe for the first time in weeks. "I wish it could be night forever." His arms tightened on her. "Me too." ******** Epilogue ******** "With this pain, I thee feel." -- Neil Gaiman, "15 Portraits of Despair" (Sandman: Endless Nights) ******** When Rin's breathing had evened out and stayed that way for long enough that he knew she was settling into a real sleep, Haru slowly began to get up. He tried not to jostle her, but as he stood up she murmured something. He crouched down beside the bed to hear her. "Hmm?" "Haru . . . " "I'm here, lovely girl," he said softly, hoping she wasn't returning to full wakefulness. Touching her had unnerved him, and he hoped she hadn't been able to tell. She had become painfully thin, and the number of healing scars he'd found on her had frightened him. He wished for the millionth time that someone would tell him exactly what had happened to her. 'She fell' had stopped sounding convincing the moment he'd first seen her after her admission to the hospital. A fall couldn't be enough to make her change her mind about him so suddenly. "Haru . . . " she said again. " . . . protect you." He knew if he touched her again he wouldn't be able to walk out. He waited a long moment, to see if she said anything more, but she was silent. He leaned close to her ear and breathed, "I love you, love you, love you." In her sleep, she smiled. Kagura was waiting for him, looking tired and worried, when he slipped out of the room and closed the door. "How's Isuzu?" "She's asleep." "Did she need the sleeping pills?" He shook his head, and they headed for the exit. "That's good. I suppose you know how much she hates them." "Yeah, I know." They left the hospital and started back toward the Main House; Kagura knew better than to trust him to find his way back alone. When they reached the turn that would lead to her house instead, she stopped and put her hand on his arm. "Listen, Haru-chan . . . do you want to stay with me and Mom tonight? Or would you rather be with your parents?" "Why do you ask?" "Because you don't look ok. You could sleep in Isuzu's room." She examined him closely, and under that look he crumbled, hugging himself to hold back tears. She sighed softly and put her arms around him, comforting him as no one outside of the Jyuunishi could. She wasn't Rin, but she was warm and cared about him. It was something. He let his forehead fall onto her shoulder. "I'd . . . like that, Kagura-nee. Thanks." "Not a problem, Haru-chan." They stood like that while he pulled himself together, and then turned onto the road to her house. When they arrived she made sure he was settled in, deftly fending off her mother's questions as she did so. "He says Isuzu's ok, Mom. She went to sleep without medication." Haru vaguely noticed and appreciated the relief on the older woman's face. Rin had lived in this house for years now, without feeling truly comfortable in it. It was good to see that she was genuinely cared for. But exhaustion had begun to set in, and he made for bed as soon as was politely possible. As he stretched out on the bed, Kagura tapped on the door and slid it open. "You should tell your mom where you are. I brought you a cordless phone." He nodded heavily. "Right. Thanks." He took it and she gently squeezed his hand. "I hope you sleep well. G'night." "Night." He waited while she left, and then dialed his own number. His mother picked up almost at once, the hint of worry in her voice telling him how late it must be. "Hey, Mom, it's me. I'm spending the night at Kagura-nee's." "All right." She hesitated before asking, "Did you see Isuzu-chan?" His throat closed painfully. "I saw her." He closed his eyes tightly, wishing that Rin's own parents had cared about her half as much as his own and Kagura's did. "What happened? Did you have a chance to talk to her?" "Yeah, I . . . she . . . " He fell silent, and his mother waited patiently for him to continue. "She said goodbye." "Oh, Haru . . . " The distressed concern in her voice was too much for him to take. "I have to go, Mom, ok? Love you." He hung up quickly, burrowed deep into the blankets that still held a trace of Rin's scent, and cried. Fin. ******** Haru: ...Of course I'm lying. To talk of dying Rin... Did I... understand nothing? I intended to try and understand everything about you Did I Did I miss your greatest cry? -- Fruits Basket, Chapter 70 (trans. by Shadow) ****************** Once again for the record . . . Fruits Basket is the creation of Takaya Natsuki, and is used without permission or the intention of making a profit. Thanks to Alishya Lane for editing and Chris Mitchell for additional beta- reading. Thanks also go out to Shadow for letting me use a fragment of her manga translation (and for doing translations in the first place!). Fruits Basket is licensed in North America by FUNimation (anime) and Tokyopop (manga). Comments are always welcome at .