****************************
WARNING: the following contains general spoilers for Sohma Isuzu (Rin) 
and Sohma Hatsuharu and some specific spoilers for chapters 78-79 of the 
Fruits Basket manga.  Some events referred to are canon.  Most are not.  
Read at your own risk.

Standard disclaimer: Fruits Basket and its characters belong to Takaya 
Natsuki, not to me.  However, I do own this piece of fiction.  It may be 
freely distributed as long as no changes are made to the text and it is 
properly credited.  No disrespect is intended and no profit is being made.
****************************
 "Fear of Falling" (Part 1 of 2)
a Fruits Basket fanfic by Ysabet MacFarlane <ba087@chebucto.ns.ca>
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"You're the fiercest calm I've ever been in."
			--Tori Amos, "Concertina" (To Venus and Back)
********
August
********

	Rin sighed and finished braiding her hair, wrapped the long plait 
around one arm to keep it off her back in the heat, and continued to sit on 
the front step and stare glumly at the road that wound its way through the 
compound.  It was too hot to enjoy the break from school, too hot to 
participate in club events even if she had bothered to join any clubs, and 
certainly too hot to put anyone in a good mood.  The heat had been 
overwhelming on the walk over from Kagura's to the compound, leaving 
her with just enough energy to sit lost in thought and wish that her thoughts 
weren't so muddled.
	She told herself sternly that she was _not_ sitting there watching to 
see if Hatsuharu came by.  She had better things to do than sit in the sun, her 
black clothing absorbing the heat, waiting for a boy who had only recently 
turned fifteen.  He wasn't even out of middle school!  But his personality 
was such an endearing blend of sweet and moody--when he wasn't 
provoked--and, damn it, he both looked and acted older . . . and he was part 
of the Jyuunishi, so she could touch him . . .  She shook her head hard 
enough that a wave of dizziness washed over her.
	*Maybe I'll get sunstroke and weaken enough to transform,* she 
mused, trying to distract herself with annoyance at the way her skin was 
sticking to her clothes.  *At least if I was a horse I could run around naked.*  
That train of thought was interesting enough to pursue.  *I could find a male 
relative who's not a Jyuunishi and see if he feels like hugging me and then 
going for a ride with his arms around my neck.  No strangers would see us 
here in the compound . . . *  She sighed with irritation, pulled her knees up 
to her chest and hugged herself.  *I've turned into such a typical horny 
teenager.  That actually sounds like too much fun.*  It was too hot to stay 
curled up, so she stretched back out with a grimace, staring up at the sky.
	One of her older uncursed relations wandered by, giving her a deeply 
respectful nod despite the indecent amount of skin she was displaying; she 
had listened to the forecast that morning and promptly pulled on the shortest 
of her daring skirts and a shirt so flimsy that its only claim to being outer 
clothing was that she hadn't bought it in a lingerie store.  She nodded back 
at him, wondering if she imagined the glint of desire in his eyes.  "Want to 
go for a ride, Masashi-san?" she said under her breath, rubbing sweat off her 
forehead and licking it from above her lip.  Her own audacity amused her; 
not that it was really any worse than waiting for her younger relative, so she 
could . . . what?  Seduce him?  Have someone to go for a cold drink with?
	Simply have someone to talk to?
	Rin closed her eyes against the sun and lay down entirely, trying to 
redirect her thoughts to something sensible, like how odd the tan lines she 
was probably acquiring would look.  "You have got to be kidding," she 
muttered, flipping her braid out of the way and rolling onto her stomach in 
disgust.
	"You look really bored," a voice said from above her.
	She sat up so fast that her head swam.  Haru was peering at her 
curiously from a few feet away, his arms full of a stack of books.  Hatori 
stood just beyond him, similarly burdened and eyeing her with a more 
clinical gaze.  She returned the doctor's look with a bit of annoyance as she 
answered Haru.
	"I _am_ bored.  I walked over to see if anything interesting was 
going on, but the House is completely dead."
	He smiled his vague but sweet smile at her.  "I was bored too.  So I 
figured I'd help Tori-nii carry some things."
	"I see."  She stretched a little and then tugged at her skirt 
ineffectually, examining Haru with an appreciation that she almost forgot to 
conceal.  Hatori was close to Akito, after all.  Whether or not anything came 
of her interest in Haru, no good could come of letting Akito hear of it.  "Are 
you two almost done?"
	Haru glanced at Hatori, who nodded.  "Akito's susceptible to 
weather like this, so I have to keep an eye on him.  If you two want to 
entertain each other after you drop those books off it should be fine."  His 
voice lowered in warning, his one good eye looking about as if to see if he 
would be overheard, despite the fact that the three of them were clearly 
alone.  "I doubt Akito will be out of his rooms today, but be cautious."
	Rin blinked at him.  Hatori was so detached and cold that it was easy 
to forget that he was only ten years older than she.  It was unlike him to 
encourage any sort of illicit activity among the Jyuunishi--although in their 
family, just standing in the same room with someone Akito didn't want you 
near counted as 'illicit'.  She feigned confusion.  "'Cautious'?"
	He gave her a piercing look, then glanced at Haru, whose uncertainty 
appeared genuine.  "Yes, Isuzu.  Cautious."  The cold look softened slightly.  
"I'll send Hatsuharu back when we're done."  Haru gave her a lopsided 
smile that made something in her stomach clench and relax simultaneously.
	"All right, Hatori-nii."  Rin wondered just what Hatori suspected, as 
they walked away.  It was hard to imagine that he knew what she was up to, 
when she hadn't yet figured it out herself.  She sighed and watched them go-
-watched Haru go, admiring the way his muscles moved, covered only by a 
pair of shorts.  Years of martial arts training had endowed him with grace 
and confidence, and he'd gained a lot of height in recent months.  She 
imagined that from the front the sun would be glinting off his necklaces and 
rings.  She wondered how he would look with his ears pierced.  She 
wondered what his skin felt like.
	Fifteen.  She could have cried.

********

	It was almost an hour before Haru reappeared, wearing the bemused 
expression that usually meant he'd managed to get lost in a place that he 
knew he ought to know well.  How he could manage it even in their family's 
Main House was beyond her.  Rin waved his apology away and squinted up 
at the sun, beaming down on them from almost directly overhead.
	"Want to go and get some lunch?  I'll buy."  It was a formality, of 
course; the money doled out to the Jyuunishi and the people who cared for 
them was more than generous even by the standards of the wealthiest 
families.
	"Sure.  Thanks."  He waited while she peeled herself off the stairs 
she'd been lounging on and rearranged her clothes.  They automatically took 
a winding route to leave the compound, avoiding both Akito's home and her 
parents'.  The walk took a long time between the heat and Haru's frequent 
distraction.  Neither of them had thought to stop so he could put a shirt on, 
so he didn't go so far as wandering into the shops they passed, but glittering 
window displays made him abruptly cross the street more than once.
	Hunger finally won out over Rin's amusement at his behavior, so she 
slid her arm through his and steered him to a noodle shop.  "How's soba?"
	He grinned at her even as he drew himself up straight and tried to 
look respectable for the benefit of the people behind the counter.  "You're 
buying, so you get to pick."  Rin ordered him the largest portion of soba on 
the menu, and one only slightly smaller for herself.  Members of the 
Jyuunishi all had unnaturally high metabolisms to go along with the curse.
	While they ate, Rin was aware of surreptitious glances from other 
patrons.  She supposed they made an incongruous sight, the pair of them 
barely dressed but eating with obviously upper-class manners.  The shop 
was air conditioned, but the door opened often enough that they didn't get 
cold.  They didn't make conversation while they ate, comfortable with each 
other's silence.
	"I am finished eating," Haru said absently as he set his bowl down.  
He relaxed his posture slightly and watched her while she snagged the last 
noodles from her bowl.  "Good soba here."
	"Haven't you been here before?" she asked after she had also 
finished eating and echoed the ritual phrase.
	"Mmm . . . " he glanced around the room " . . . no.  I don't think so."  
He shrugged unselfconsciously.  "You know how it is."
	She laughed.  "I know how _you_ are, anyway."
	"You do, do you?"
	"You think I don't?"  She wasn't sure if he was joking; in such a 
laidback mood Haru was perfectly self-possessed.
	"You've never seen me when I'm 'Black', have you?" he asked.
	"No."
	He drank some water while watching her.  "D'you believe I'm 
dangerous?"
	She smiled a little.  "Not to me."
	"No?"
	"No."  She reached across the table and took his hand, noticing that 
it was larger than hers now.  She twisted one of his rings around his finger.  
"I trust you."
	He turned his wrist to break her grip and snared her hand in turn, 
enveloping it loosely in his.  "Oh."  He blinked at her.  "Thank you for 
lunch."
	"Ah . . . you're welcome."
	"Does this mean you're not avoiding me anymore?"  Rin started at 
his directness, and opened her mouth to say that she hadn't been doing any 
such thing.  But she had been, and she saw that he knew it.  "I missed you, 
Rin," he said quietly.  "It's been a long time since we've really spent any 
time together."
	"Seven months," she said without thinking.
	"What happened?"  He didn't look angry, but she thought she saw 
hurt behind the calm gaze he leveled at her.
	"You . . . "  She hesitated, trying to find the right way to say it.  
"You grew up.  I stopped being able to pretend you were a kid."  She looked 
at their hands, hers resting in his like a child's.
	"It's barely a two year age difference, Rin," he said mildly.  He 
reached over with his free hand and nudged her head up to face him.  "And 
our . . . family . . . grows up fast."
	She arched a brow at him.  "Even Momiji?"  The Rabbit was only a 
few months younger than Haru, but he looked and acted more like a child of 
ten.
	Haru shrugged.  "It's at least half an act with him.  He's our ear 
among the adults; they talk more freely around him than they do with the 
rest of us.  He looks so wide-eyed and innocent."
	"Momiji the spy, huh?"
	"Rabbits have long ears," he said seriously.  He frowned a little and 
ran his hand through his hair, standing the white layer on end.  "You haven't 
answered my question.  Are you gonna cut out the avoidance nonsense?"
	She swallowed and shifted her weight uncomfortably under his 
intent gaze.  Their whole conversation had been in quiet tones, but she felt 
as if everyone in the noodle shop was staring at them.  She almost wished 
she'd waited longer to seek him out again; the memory of his growing 
physical attractiveness had remained, but she'd forgotten how intense he 
could be when he actually focused on something.
	"There're fireworks on Friday night," she said softly.  "Kagura and I 
were talking about going.  Want to come with us?"
	"Think she'll mind?"
	"Mmm . . . only because it'll remind her that Kyo's not around.  She 
likes you."
	"Kyo . . . "  Haru's eyes went blank with concentration.
	"What?"
	"I forgot that Kagura-nee might not have heard--word around the 
House is that Kyo's surfaced at Shigure-sensei's house.  Akito's ordered 
him to live there."
	"Where was he? . . . wait, that means he's been ordered to live there 
with Gure-nii and _Yuki_?"  She laughed aloud in surprise.  "The Cat and 
the Rat in the same house--that must be a sight."
	"I haven't heard anything about a funeral, so it can't be going too 
badly," Haru replied.  "I hope Yuki's ok."
	Rin sighed, trying to stifle her amusement.  "Yuki's probably just 
annoyed.  I'd worry about Kyo."
	"Kyo always starts it."
	"And you know perfectly well Yuki always leaves him with a few 
bruises when he does.  Anyway, I guess I should tell Kagura."
	"You're right--we _should_ worry about Kyo."  His vaguely 
resigned look turned to a smile.  "Fireworks sound good.  I'll tell you the 
rest of the gossip then."
	"There's more?"
	"Momiji tells us there's a girl living at Sensei's house too."
	Rin felt her mouth drop open.  "A girl?  Living with male 
Jyuunishi?"
	He grinned at her expression.  "Friday."

********

	A week or two later Haru asked Rin to pierce his ears.  It was the 
first cool day since they'd started spending time together again, and he had 
promptly reverted to his preferred wardrobe: black clothing adorned with 
studs and buckles and jewelry, pants often too tight to leave anything 
whatsoever to the imagination.  She carefully avoided looking at certain 
parts of his body--mostly--and instead let herself be pleased by how similar 
their tastes were.  With her own hair hanging loose in a black curtain and set 
off by Haru's unique white-and-black hair, they made a striking pair.
	She sterilized a needle and came to sit beside him, caging him 
loosely between her and the table.  "How many holes do you want?" she 
asked, curving her fingers behind his ear and holding some unruly locks flat 
against his skull.
	His eyes were half closed as he turned to her, a gleam of anticipation 
lurking in them.  Rin smiled in spite of herself, recognizing the bone-deep 
similarities between them.  He was braced for pain, but not resisting it.  The 
indolent challenge in his gaze made her breath catch.  "As many as you 
want," he replied after a moment.
	"All right," she said, and lifted the needle.  It was a heavy one that 
looked like it would make large enough holes for the studs she'd brought.  
She slid closer so that he was between her knees and tightened them in case 
he flinched, but the precaution was unnecessary.  He held perfectly still as 
the needle punched through his earlobe, only a sudden audible swallow 
letting her know he'd felt anything.  "Turn your head," she said, and he 
obeyed, letting her figure out where she should pierce the other ear.
	Those were the last words either of them spoke as she worked, Haru 
turning back and forth cooperatively when she touched his chin.  Something 
dark and intense was blooming in his gaze as she thrust the needle into his 
flesh again and again; drops of blood welled in stark crimson contrast to his 
hair, his skin, everything about him.  His eyes stayed fixed on hers, the 
shadowed emotion in them striking chords she had never expected when she 
sought him out.  She wondered if she was seeing a trace of the 'Black Haru' 
that the family gossiped about, the side of him that he had never shown her.
	She pushed the needle through his lobes six times before she 
stopped, unnerved by the total control he was permitting her, by the wet 
glisten of blood on his skin, by the way he held perfectly still under her 
hands while staring at her with eyes full of something that bore no 
resemblance to submission.  She set the needle on the table, keenly aware 
that the boy leaning against her was her match in ways she hadn't 
anticipated.
	"Now what?" he asked softly, in a voice she had never heard him 
use.
	"Now one of us puts the studs in the holes so they don't heal back 
up," she said, pleased by the steadiness of her own voice.  *Fifteen,* she 
reminded herself as she swabbed his ear with peroxide.  Haru sat up and 
picked up one of the studs, working the back on and off until he had the feel 
of it.
	"I see."  He nodded and matter-of-factly fished around his lobe until 
the earring slid into place.  He fastened it and repeated the procedure, 
presented a lopsided figure with one ear clean and decked out in three 
earrings while the other was still bloody and bare.  Rin daubed more 
peroxide onto her cloth and bent toward him to disinfect the second set of 
holes.  She hesitated a moment, looking at him closely.  "What is it?" he 
asked.
	"Mmm . . . nothing."  He tilted his head at her as she came closer 
and brought her mouth to his ear, drawing the tip of her tongue over its 
ridges before taking the lobe into her mouth.  If possible, Haru was suddenly 
even more motionless than he had been when she was doing the piercing.  
As she licked the blood away she wished she could see his face.
	When she drew back he simply looked at her, eyes alight with 
something both dangerous and vulnerable.  "Rin, what do you want?" he 
whispered, as if someone might overhear.
	"I don't know," she replied.  Hesitated a moment.  Went on.  "What 
do you want to give?"
	He took a slow breath.  "I don't know."
	"I'm not planning on forcing you into bed," she said quietly.
	His eyes gleamed, the slightest smile touching his lips.  "I might like 
to see you try."  He paused.  "Maybe not today."
	Rin nodded, wondering if he would leave.  Instead he shifted onto 
his knees and pulled her against him.  Their arms went around each other as 
naturally as if they had been born in that position, holding on tightly enough 
to hurt.  Her throat closed so painfully that she wondered if she was about to 
cry, but no tears came.
	They were clinging together too tightly for her to be unaware of 
Haru's response to her, but she heard surprise in his low gasp of pleasure 
when he climaxed suddenly, his fingers digging deep into her back.  He bit 
his lip, leaning away in embarrassment.  She tightened her arms around him, 
not letting him turn from her.  "Haru."  He met her eyes, uncertain for the 
first time that day.  She kissed his mouth lightly, then his forehead.  "I don't 
mind.  Stay with me."
	Hesitantly at first, then with an odd fierceness, he held her against 
him again.  A cooling dampness seeped through his clothes to her bare 
thigh, but she found that she honestly didn't care.

********

	Neither of them mentioned that afternoon again for a few weeks, 
although they continued to spend as much time together as they dared.  Haru 
resumed his childhood habit of sneaking to Kagura's house after dark to 
visit; Rin was almost certain Kagura and her mother knew, but they made no 
comment.  Even though they didn't live in the inner compound of the Main 
House with most of the other Jyuunishi and their immediate families, it was 
still a Sohma house.  Any Sohma who knew the secret of the curse also 
knew enough to be paranoid about the family Head, no matter how far away 
they got.  Silence was the only defense.
	Rumors of an outsider knowing the secret continued to be murmured 
in the House, adding an extra edge of uncertainty.  Kagura had gone to 
Shigure's house to see her beloved Kyo, and confirmed the rumor when she 
returned.  The fact that Akito was allowing a stranger among the Jyuunishi 
was enough to make the family wonder nervously about his intentions.

********

	It was almost midnight before he knocked on her window.  Rin had 
been waiting sleepily, nodding off over her textbook and wondering if he 
remembered his promise to come, or if he'd managed to get lost.  It was 
Saturday, so they could stay up as late as they wanted; Haru's parents were 
good about not asking questions.  Sometimes Rin wondered what it would 
be like to have parents who trusted her.
	The rapping on the glass startled her, a quicker, more staccato sound 
than usual.  As she slid off the bed and went to open the window she was 
already wondering if something was wrong.  A glance at his face confirmed 
it: his jaw was set in an unfamiliar line, and there was a hard, distracted look 
in his eyes.  There was also, she saw with dismay, a bandage around his 
upper arm.  She leaned out the window to examine it, but he pulled it away.
	"Haru, what happened?"  His face looked slightly bruised, but she 
couldn't be sure.
	"Don't worry about it."  He frowned slightly.  "Rin, do you want me 
to come in?"
	"Of course I--"
	"You might not like me much at the moment."  There was definitely 
something strange in his voice, tight with forced control.  "I wasn't sure if I 
should come, but I told you I would."
	"Why, did you kill someone?" she asked, making herself laugh a 
little.
	"No."  He brought his hand up to her face and ran two fingers down 
her jaw, turning her head around to stare into her eyes.  What she saw made 
her blood run cold.  In an instant there was no doubt at all in her mind: she 
was face to face with Black Haru.
	She kept herself from recoiling, examined him closely instead.  She 
could never have described the change in him adequately, but she knew she 
would never mistake this side of him for anything else.  He was a storm 
wrapped in flesh, the air around him charged with pent-up aggression.
	She moved carefully, setting her hand on his and closing her fingers 
slowly.  "Are you coming in?"
	He came over the sill in silence, letting her close the window behind 
him and nudge him into the room's single chair.  Rin sat cross-legged on the 
bed, watching him intently as he glanced around the room.  He was holding 
himself in check, but she knew she would have to be careful not to trigger 
one of his legendary violent outbursts.
	"What happened, Haru?"
	"I got into a fight at school.  Same reason as always," he added when 
she opened her mouth to ask for details.
	"Hair?"
	"My hair, my piercings, the whole routine."  He shrugged angrily.
	"And . . ?"
	"And they know better than to try anything on their own, so a bunch 
of them came after me."  He smiled a very unreassuring smile.  "A teacher 
showed up while I was showing a few of them what color their blood is, and 
I went to the office.  As usual.  They gave me a lovely lecture on social 
responsibility and why I should take my earrings out and let the holes heal 
and why the two things are connected."
	"And your arm?"
	He laughed quietly.  "I'm showing them what I think of their 
opinion.  I got a tattoo.  Let 'em tell me to get rid of _that_."
	"A _tattoo_?  Of what?"  She stared at his arm in fascination.
	"Kind of a band.  It's green."  He traced a wavy pattern through the 
air over the gauze. "All the way around."
	"Did it hurt a lot?"  She was genuinely curious, and also aware that 
he was slowly relaxing as he spoke.
	"Mm mm.  Not too much.  Except here."  He touched the inside of 
his arm.  "That part hurt a lot more than the rest."  He shrugged.  "Hope you 
like it."
	Rin smiled at him.  "I usually like your taste, don't I?"
	He smiled back, his eyes glinting.  "I bet I'd like your taste, too," he 
replied, giving the words an inflection that took her a moment to process.
	"Haru--"  He crossed the distance from the chair to the bed in an 
instant, pulling her into his arms and kissing her.  It was made intense by his 
hunger, overshadowing his lack of experience; Rin let him press her onto 
her back with his weight on her, trying to decide what she should do.  The 
experience would have been frightening if it had been anyone else, but Haru 
. . . if the sexual side of his Black aspect was expressed in this urgency, it 
wasn't all bad.  She kissed him back, and he made an odd sound in the back 
of his throat.  Then it occurred to her to wonder how he would feel when he 
came back to himself, if she let him have her like this, all intensity and need.  
She broke the kiss and turned her face away with a sigh.  He probably 
wouldn't be very happy about it.
	"Scared?" he whispered, sliding half off her to peer into her eyes.
	"No," she said calmly, holding her voice steady despite the air of 
danger enveloping him.  She made herself laugh, then saw the flicker of 
anger that crossed his face.  She remembered belatedly that being laughed at 
was what had created this side of him.  "There's nothing for me to be scared 
of.  You can't rape someone who wants you."
	He blinked at her, and then her casual use of the word 'rape' broke 
through his haze.  "I wouldn't . . !"
	"No, I know."  Rin hugged him, trying to figure out how to defuse 
the situation.  She could feel his heart pounding against her.
	"You want me?"  The tentative edge in his voice made her heart turn 
over.  Haru was one of the only members of the Jyuunishi who had been 
raised by stable, loving people,  but he was still prey to the desperate 
insecurity that gnawed at all of them.  She ran her hand slowly along his 
side, feeling the way his muscles moved as he leaned into her touch.  
Deciding what to do was suddenly very easy.
	"I'd tell you just how badly I want you, but I don't want to make you 
blush."  His eyes widened at her forwardness.  *So innocent still . . . *  She 
turned him onto his back, watching the play of mixed emotion.  "I don't 
want your first time to be like that.  Maybe another time."  She gave him a 
smile meant to remind him that he wasn't the only dangerous one.  An 
appreciative gleam in his eyes told her it hit home.  *He feels it too, this 
connection between us.*
	"How do you want it to be?" he asked softly, some of the violence 
already seeping out of him.
	"I want you to lie still and pay attention until you feel like you can 
trust yourself."  She lay beside him, gathering her hair out of the way, and 
slid her hand under his shirt.  "Then do as I do."  Very deliberately, so he 
could stop her if he wanted to, she lowered her mouth to his throat as she 
began to explore his body.

********

	When it was over, it was a long time before either of them spoke.  
They lay curled together in silence, his head buried hard in the side of her 
neck.  Eventually he mumbled something unintelligible into her skin.
	"What?"  She was half asleep, happy but worn out from the 
emotional wringer they'd been through.
	"I said, 'I love you, you know'", he repeated clearly.
	Rin jerked into full alertness, feeling the color leave her face.  
"Don't say that out loud."
	He rolled into a sitting position and stared down at her.  "Why not?  
It's true."
	"Damn it, Hatsuharu, you _know_ why not," she hissed.  Her use of 
his full name took him aback.
	"He doesn't have ears in your bedroom, Rin," he said, lying back 
down.  He pressed his lips against her ear so she could feel them moving as 
he spoke.  "I love you, love you, love you, and there's nothing you can do 
about it."  He managed to sound both tender and menacing, and she smiled 
in spite of herself.  In spite of Akito.
	"Don't _say_ it, Haru," she whispered.

********
October
********

	"I feel strange," Rin muttered, stretching an arm out in front of her 
and peering at the sleeve of the sweater she was wearing.  Haru had brought 
it along for her after she insisted that she wouldn't get too cold being outside 
all day.  It was black, which was good, and it fit well--it was one that he had 
stopped wearing when his growth spurt hit.  But it wasn't at all the sort of 
thing she was used to having on.
	Beside her, Haru laughed and put an arm around her shoulders.  
"You should've brought a jacket then."  He was dressed much more simply 
than she was used to seeing him; it made him look a bit closer to his age, if 
she didn't look into his eyes.
	"You didn't tell me we were coming up into the mountains," she 
grumbled back.  "I _know_ it's colder up here."
	"You don't like it?"
	Rin looked around and smiled.  "No, I do."  The first frost had hit 
early, and the leaves had started displaying some truly stunning colors.  She 
hadn't gone foliage-viewing in more years than she could remember; her 
only memory of it involved her parents, so it must have been a long time 
ago.  She closed her eyes and remembered the feeling of walking between 
them, each of them holding one of her hands.
	"I'm glad."  Haru kissed her forehead lightly, and she leaned into 
him, trying to block out the memory.  Footsteps in the leaves behind them 
made her pull away, her pulse instantly quickening with nervousness.  "It's 
just my parents," he murmured.  "We're safe."
	"What have you told them?" she asked under her breath.  When he 
had called her that morning and told her to meet him downtown for the day 
she hadn't been expecting them to be with him, and hadn't had the chance to 
ask him about it; he had simply bundled her into the car with them, and off 
they had gone.  She had spent the whole drive trying to process the fact that 
they were treating her normally, and hadn't gotten much further.
	"I told them that I . . . I think I said I was 'interested in you'.  And 
made them promise not to mention it to anyone at all."
	Rin nodded a little.  "I guess they wouldn't like me so well if they 
thought I'd seduced their little boy," she said, trying to sound casual.
	He smirked.  "'Little boy', huh?  But yeah, I thought it might be 
better to work up to that.  I had to tell them something, though.  It felt too 
weird to have been with you for this long and not have told them anything."
	"Two months," Rin said softly, feeling herself relax a little with the 
thought.  Two months of good memories to try to set against her childhood's 
collage of lies.
	They both turned to face his parents as they came close; Rin stole 
quick glances at them from beneath a politely lowered gaze.  Haru's mother 
was perfectly made up, which made her look a little out of place, but his 
father looked completely at home.  "Are you two enjoying yourselves?" his 
mother asked.
	Haru nodded, and Rin gave the woman her best smile.  It felt a bit 
rusty.  "It's beautiful up here," she said sincerely.
	A moment later she found herself under close scrutiny.  "Are you all 
right, Isuzu-san?  You look a little pale."  Haru's mother reached out and 
touched her arm, and Rin jerked back before she could control the reaction.
	"I'm sorry," she apologized at once.  "I'm fine.  I'm just not--" 
impulsively she decided to be honest "--not very used to being touched."
	"It's all right, dear.  I understand."  Rin blinked at the response, 
taken aback by the warmth in the older woman's voice.  "It's hard for all of 
you."  There was a moment's hesitation.  "And in case you're worrying, let 
me assure you that neither of us will mention to Akito-san that you came 
along with us for the day."
	"I--"  Rin found herself at a loss for words.  "Thank you.  Thank you 
for letting me come with you."
	"You're very welcome.  Now, we're going to wander up a bit higher.  
I don't know if this will interest you, but we just wanted to let you know that 
someone told us that there are horses in a valley down that side of the 
mountain."  This was accompanied by a quick gesture.  "I know Haru says 
cattle are dull, but I don't know how you feel."
	"Horses?"  Rin felt her eyes widen, turned to look down the 
mountain.
	Haru laughed.  "I guess horses have more to talk about," he said 
cheerfully.  "Want to go meet them?"  Rin nodded, and he took her hand and 
started down the path, waving to his parents with a smile.  Halfway down he 
paused and took a crimson leaf from a tree, twisting the stem between his 
fingers before hooking it behind her ear.  "You _do_ look pale.  I just didn't 
want to say anything."  He leaned close and kissed her cheek, trailing his 
lips lightly across to her ear.  She shivered at the touch.
	"I'm fine," she said.  "I've been feeling a little off-balance lately.  I 
don't know why."
	"Maybe you should talk to Tori-nii," he said seriously as they started 
walking again.
	She shrugged.  "Maybe.  I'm sure I'm fine, though."  She slid a 
sidelong glance at him as she remembered something that had happened 
earlier.  After arriving, when they had all gotten out of the car, his father had 
hugged him quickly, and Haru had returned it but then moved away when he 
saw her looking at them.  "Listen, Haru . . . "
	"Hmm?"
	"Don't not touch your parents because of me.  It's ok."
	He flushed a little, breaking stride.  "I'm sorry.  I try to remember 
not to flaunt it when I'm around other Jyuunishi, but I'm so comfortable 
with you--"
	Rin took his hand and wrapped her fingers around his.  "I said it's 
ok.  It is.  I'm glad they love you."
	"I feel really out of place sometimes," he said after a moment.  
"With all of you.  Mom and Dad tried to teach me to be comfortable with 
people, and I guess I'm really tactile by nature."
	"Momiji's pretty tactile."
	Haru grimaced slightly.  "Momiji's overcompensating.  It's not the 
same."  The first fallen leaves crunched under their feet as they walked.  
"Do you ever touch anyone but me?"
	It was her turn to stumble a bit in surprise, and then she had to think 
about it.  "No."  Kagura's mother had tried to hug her when she had moved 
in with them, but eventually gave up when she refused to respond.
	He circled her wrist with his fingers, his rings cool against her skin.  
"Do you mind that I do?"
	They were almost at the foot of the mountain, and she could see a 
small field spreading away from it where the land flattened.  "It is ok, Haru.  
Really it is."  She quickened her pace a little, tugging him along with her.  
"Come on, I want to see the horses."
	"You really like them?"
	She nodded as they reached the bottom and the ground leveled out 
under their feet.  "I do.  They're beautiful, and I don't get to see any very 
often."
	They looked around and found a long fence stretching in front of 
them.  Rin squinted and looked over it, locating a few dark shapes at the 
other side of the field that must be the horses.  There were other people 
standing around, but none of them seemed interested in the animals.  One 
man saw them looking and began to make his way over.  Before he came 
into earshot, Haru suddenly leaned close to her ear to whisper to her.
	"What do you look like?"
	Rin started and shot him a puzzled look.  "What?"
	"When you're in your Jyuunishi form.  What do you look like?"
	She slowly touched her hair, pulling a lock of it forward.  "Black," 
she said.  "You can tell from my hair, just like with the rest of you."
	Haru smiled.  "Just my luck not to be a black ox, I guess."  He 
fingered his own hair ruefully, and she let go of hers to slap at his hand.
	"Stop that.  I love your hair."
	The man had almost reached them, so they glanced at each other and 
waited for him.  He spoke as he came close.  "Did someone tell you about 
the horses?"   They nodded, and he shook his head a little.  "You'll be 
wasting your time if you wait for them to come this way.  They don't like 
large groups of people."
	"Are they yours?" Haru asked.
	"My family's," the man replied.  "They spook easily."
	Rin gazed at the horses' silhouettes.  "I won't spook them."
	"You won't get them close enough to try," the man said, starting to 
sound a little exasperated.
	She smiled slightly and walked to the fence, leaning on it.  A 
moment later she made a sound that Haru couldn't have reproduced if his 
life had depended on it--a high, clear call that didn't sound like anything he 
would have associated with 'horse'.  It carried through the air, making the 
other people nearby turn and stare.  And the horses came.  With no 
hesitation at all they ran, coming straight across the field to her as if they 
had been waiting all their lives to hear her voice.  There were three of them, 
and they came to the fence and nuzzled her, bumping their foreheads against 
her shoulders.  It was the first time Haru had ever seen her smile 
unabashedly where anyone else could see her.  Beside him, their owner was 
openly gawking.
	Rin turned to them and said, "Can I go into the field with them?"  
The man nodded a bit jerkily, still staring.  She stepped back several feet 
from the fence, eyed it carefully, and jumped it easily from a running start, 
putting her hand on it to give herself an added boost as she went over.  It 
wasn't a ridiculous feat, but Haru wondered if she'd needed to use her hand 
at all.  Probably not.  Landing in her spike-heeled boots was impressive-
looking enough without doing anything else to flaunt how effortless it was 
for her.  The three horses closed around her, and Haru went to lean on the 
fence and watch her.
	He didn't know how long it was before his parents came down from 
the mountain and joined him.  By then almost everyone was gone, but he 
hadn't tired of looking at her yet.  The smile lit her face, easing the haunted 
look that usually clung to her.  She turned when his parents arrived.  "Time 
to go?"  His mother nodded, and Rin hugged each of the horses' necks in 
farewell, stroking their manes.  Then, with no one but them watching, she 
vaulted the fence again, a faintly challenging look crossing her face as she 
walked over.  Neither of his parents commented, and she relaxed slightly.  
"Thank you for telling me they were here," she said.  Haru took her hand as 
the four of them began the long walk back to the car.
	"Isuzu-san, we're planning on going home for supper.  Would you 
like to join us?" his father asked her.
	The question made her feel awkward, but it was her body that 
decided for her.  Her stomach twisted unpleasantly at the idea of food, 
something it had been doing too often for comfort lately.  She took a slow, 
careful breath through her mouth, ordering it to settle down.  "I should really 
go back to Kagura's," she said politely.  "I don't think they know where I 
am.  But thank you very much."  It was true enough, but Haru gave her a 
concerned look.
	As they walked he slowed her by holding her wrist, until they were 
several feet behind his parents.  "You're sick, aren't you?" he asked quietly.  
"You don't have any color at all."
	"My stomach's just been bothering me a bit more than usual lately, 
that's all," she said dismissively, hoping he'd drop it.
	His fingers tightened.  "Talk to Tori-nii, Rin.  Please?  I'm worried 
about you."
	"You worry too much."
	"Humor me," he said.  "I know you don't like seeing doctors, but 
please?"
	His mother glanced back at them to make sure they were following, 
but didn't call for them to hurry up.  Rin wondered if that meant she liked 
her.  "All right," she said finally.  "I will."
	"Thanks, love."

********

	Rin regretted that promise almost as soon as she'd fulfilled it.  She 
quietly made an appointment with Hatori, both of them careful to schedule it 
for a time when Akito wasn't too likely to call for him.  It was all so 
straightforward: he met her in his living room, knowing how uncomfortable 
she was, and only took her into his office when her answers to his questions 
worried him.  There he matter-of-factly gave her the most thorough physical 
exam she had ever had outside of a hospital, told her what he thought, and 
took some blood for tests.  To be sure.  She ignored the concerned look he 
gave her as she left, and went home to wait for his call with the results.
	To his credit, he had results far more quickly than she would have 
thought possible.  He kept her on the phone longer than she wanted, until 
she was almost shaking with the effort of listening instead of hanging up on 
him.  When the conversation finally ended, she fled to her room and locked 
the door, ignoring Kagura's worried voice out in the hall as she stared 
blankly up at the ceiling and tried not to think about what she would say to 
Haru.

********

	The look on his face when she told him was worse than any 
expression Black Haru had ever worn.  "You can't.  Rin, no."  His voice was 
very small; for the first time in a long time, he looked like a child to her.
	"It'll die anyway, Haru."  She took a deep breath, fighting for 
control.  "Listen to me.  _It will die_."  He was shaking his head slowly, 
despair creasing his features.  The tight knot of misery in her guts clenched 
unbearably.  "I don't have a choice."
	"Yes, you do."
	"If it's going to die, I'd rather be in a hospital with people who know 
what they're doing."
	"Rin, _no_."
	Something snapped inside; only her terror of someone hearing and 
telling Akito kept her from shrieking at him.  "My options are going to a 
doctor or waiting until Akito finds out, and then having him beat me until I 
miscarry.  _That's not a choice, Haru_!"  She inhaled sharply.  "What do 
you want me to do?  Hide until it's born and give it up for adoption, and 
then write a little note in its family history?  Something like 'future 
generations may change into animals under certain circumstances'?  It'd be 
worse than unfair to send a Sohma child to another family."  Tears blinded 
her.  "If I disappeared Akito would find me, anyway."
	"Rin, listen--"
	She sat down on the edge of the bed and put her hands over her face.  
"Damn it, Haru, what do you want me to do?"  He said nothing.  "Haru?"  
His name ended in a sob, as she stopped trying not to cry.  She felt the bed 
shift as he sat beside her and pulled her against him.
	"Still here, Rin."  His voice was barely audible; after a moment she 
realized he was weeping too.  "Still here."

********

	Rin had been home from the hospital for a week before Akito 
summoned her.  She dressed carefully in a kimono instead of her usual 
clothing, trying to look proper.  When she was admitted to his rooms, she 
went and knelt in front of him.  Keeping her head down, she wondered if 
anything he could do to her now would be worse than the days of dread.  
Hatori and Shigure were also present, kneeling a respectful distance behind.  
It was never a good sign when Akito wanted witnesses.
	"Isuzu."  Akito spoke in the languid tone which often presaged his 
worst moods.  She flinched instinctively, the reflex of a Jyuunishi child 
called to heel by its master.  "Isuzu . . . chan."  His voice caressed the 
affectionate honorific in a way that chilled her.  "You're not looking at me."
	She obeyed the implicit command slowly, willing all traces of her 
hate out of her eyes.  When she finally met his gaze, she knew she had been 
unsuccessful.  "Akito," she said simply.  It was enough to make his face 
contort with anger.
	"Hatori informs me that you've been having . . . relations, shall we 
say? . . . with a young man of the area.  What is his name?"
	"I don't know," she whispered, hoping that his particular contempt 
for her would make him believe she would sleep with a stranger.  If he 
would only believe that lie, she could endure.
	Akito lifted an eyebrow at her, smirking.  "Were you careful to 
conceal the family secret, Isuzu?"
	"Yes, Akito."
	"'Yes, Akito' . . . what?"
	"I was careful, Akito.  I didn't transform."
	His hand was resting on her head now, a benevolent gesture of 
forgiveness.  Her eyes closed in fear.  "Were you paying too much attention 
to that to be careful of other things?"  She stayed still and silent, praying.  
"Hatori brought me word of a child."  He waited.
	She choked before managing to answer.  A child.  Haru's child.  
Gone.  "I dealt with the situation as I thought you would want me to, Akito.  
I didn't want to trouble you."  His fingers were sliding through her hair, 
wrapping thick strands around themselves like rings.
	"You thought," he said softly.  "You thought."  His hand clenched 
abruptly and he bodily hauled her a few inches off the floor by her hair 
before dropping her again with a gasp, betrayed by his physical frailty.  It 
did not improve his mood.  "How dare you _think_, you little whore?" he 
spat.  He lowered his left hand to gather her hair from below her shoulders; 
with his other hand he struck her in the face, only his grip on her hair 
keeping her from falling over.  He hit her again, then a third time, then a 
fourth.  When he was panting with the effort, he released her.  "I don't want 
any bastards in the House, Isuzu.  Or anywhere else."
	"No, Akito, I promise--"  Her eyes were blurred, but she saw him 
turn away.
	"Hatori, deal with her."  He was dismissive, but even through the 
pain she heard the edge of malice in his voice.
	"What do you want me to do, Akito?"  Hatori sounded as calm as 
always, she noted.  Akito turned back to face them.
	"Make sure she can't have any children," he said mildly.  "Make the 
arrangements today.  Then she can play the slut as much as she likes."
	Rin thought she must have cried out, because Akito's face suddenly 
darkened with anger again.  "Don't push me, Isuzu!"  His foot lashed out 
and connected with her abdomen.  The searing pain of the impact made her 
black out.  When she regained consciousness Akito was peering down at 
her, the very picture of concern.  "I know you don't like me, Isuzu," he said 
calmly.  "But every time you cross me it will be worse for you.  I promise."  
He straightened up, brushing imaginary dust from his clothes, and left the 
room.
	She curled into a ball when he was gone, pressing her fingers over 
her belly and forcing herself not to whimper.  After a long moment she 
heard footsteps as Shigure and Hatori came to her.  Hatori touched her face 
gently; she remembered dimly that his bedside manner had always been a 
good balance of kind and professional.  But he was going to . . . she turned 
away.
	"Shigure, carry her to my office.  I'll meet you there."  She felt arms 
go under and around her, lifting her with surprising gentleness.  She heard 
him sniff softly, employing his keen canine nose.
	"Ha-san, she's bleeding."
	Hatori sighed from behind them as Shigure started walking.  "Of 
course she's bleeding.  You should get a move on so I can make her stop."
	She let Shigure carry her outside and down the path to Hatori's 
house.  Around them, people appeared in windows and vanished again.  It 
did no one any good to be curious when someone was carried out of Akito's 
domain.  She took a deep breath, steeling herself.
	"I can walk, Gure-nii."
	"Ha-san said--"
	"_I_ said I can walk."
	"Rin, be reasonable," he said quietly.  "You're hurt."
	"I don't want them staring at me!"  She began to squirm against him, 
lacking the energy to really fight.
	"They're your family, Rin-chan."  But he eased her down, so gently 
that she was almost startled when her feet touched the earth.  "Lean on me, 
though," he said.
	Even with his support, their progress was slow.  Her legs were damp 
with blood, and Shigure's eyes kept flickering to her.  "Ha-san is going to 
kill me," he muttered.  But when Hatori caught up with them, he only eased 
an arm around Rin's other side and gave her a resigned glance.
	"You're too stubborn, Isuzu."
	"Family trait," she gasped, not wanting to spare the strength to talk.
	"Do you want me to send for Hatsuharu?" the doctor asked quietly.
	"No!"
	Shigure's eyes widened, and she wished he wasn't so quick on the 
uptake.  "Ha-kun, is it?"  He whistled softly in surprise.  "And you managed 
to keep it from Akito?  I'm impressed."
	"Don't tell him," she whispered.
	"I won't," he replied, but the usual small voice at the back of her 
head reminded her not to trust him.  With Shigure it was impossible to tell 
where you stood.
	They reached the outside entrance to Hatori's office before she 
balked, the reality of her situation hitting home.  Their eyes held too much 
understanding and resignation as they looked down at her.
	"Hatori-nii, please don't," she said desperately.  Suddenly their arms 
felt like shackles around her.  "Please."
	"Technically I won't," he answered, his voice implacable.  How 
could she have thought he might be kind?  "I'm not a surgeon.  I'll have to 
call in some favors at the hospital.  But the people I know are very skilled, 
Isuzu."
	"Hatori!"  The name was almost a wail.
	"What should I do, Isuzu?"  He sighed and faced her.  "Tell me not 
to.  Try.  You can _ask_ me all you like, but neither of us can disobey his 
explicit wishes."
	She opened her mouth to prove him wrong, but no sound came out.  
She was as trapped by Akito's commands as he was.  A violent trembling 
settled into her limbs, and she knew she would have fallen if Shigure hadn't 
held her upright.  "No.  Hatori, please, no," she repeated, knowing it was 
hopeless.  Akito had spoken.
	Between them they took her inside, where Hatori laid her on a bed 
behind a screen, keeping Shigure on the other side.  "Isuzu, listen," he said 
as he matter-of-factly unfastened her kimono and undressed her.  She didn't 
answer, lying limp as he manipulated her arms and legs.  "Isuzu!"
	"What?"
	"Akito's orders can't be disobeyed, but they can be interpreted.  He 
probably intends for you to be definitively sterilized, but the usual procedure 
can sometimes be reversed.  I could be very thorough and order a 
hysterectomy, but I won't.  It's the best I can do."
	Rin shuddered.  "What's the 'usual procedure'?"
	He handed her a loose shirt and gestured for her to put it on.  "Tubal 
ligation is the usual 'sterilization' method these days.  It can be done as 
outpatient surgery, so you won't have to stay overnight in a hospital.  As I 
said, it's often reversible."  As she carefully sat up and eased the shirt over 
her head, he poured a glass of water and handed it to her with some pills.
	"I hate pills," she muttered, but swallowed them obediently at the 
look he gave her.
	"I imagine you'll be grateful when they kick in.  They're fast-acting 
painkillers and a mild sedative; it probably won't be comfortable when I 
examine you.  Do you want me to call for anyone before I begin?"
	"No."  The drugs were already affecting her, easing the pain and 
letting her relax slightly.  "You've done it before."
	He sighed.  "All right then.  I'm going to start."  Rin lay back and 
tried to concentrate on keeping her legs where he positioned them.  "You're 
not bleeding as badly as I'd feared," he said as he began.  "Were you still 
experiencing bleeding from the ab--"  She felt herself stiffen.  "--previous 
procedure?"
	"No," she whispered, staring at the ceiling.  "It stopped yesterday."  
She winced as he worked, ignored the tears that insisted on trickling down 
her cheeks.  A miserable resignation was setting in.  "When will you send 
me for the operation?"
	"I won't know for certain until I call to make the arrangements, but 
probably in the next few days."
	"Do I get another scar?"
	"A small one, I believe."
	Rin laughed shakily.  "Some people keep a diary to remember big 
events in their lives, you know?  I get scars.  Why can't anything in my life 
be normal?"  Hatori didn't answer, but she saw his head shake out of the 
corner of her eye.  She returned her gaze to the ceiling until he was done.
	After he had finished and washed his hands, he came to ease her into 
a sitting position.  "Shigure and I will take you home, all right?  I'll call you 
tomorrow to let you know what's going on.  I'll write you another note so 
you can continue to stay home from school."
	"Fine."  Shigure came around the screen, politely averting his eyes 
while Hatori went to find a robe to wrap her in.  She slumped against him 
while they waited, too tired and sore to keep her head up.
	Hatori came back and she let herself be bundled up.  "Are you going 
to insist on walking to the car?"  Shigure asked.
	"Yes."  One foot in front of the other.  That was all she needed to do.  
They flanked her as they had on the way in, Shigure's arm around her waist.  
Just one step, over and over.  The effort blurred her vision.
	"Are you going to call Hatsuharu?" Hatori asked quietly.
	"No."  Another step.
	"He'll ask after you if I run into him around the House."
	She grimaced.  "Tell him I need a few more days to rest."
	"He's already worried," Hatori pressed.  "He understands why you 
wouldn't take him with you to the hospital last week, but he wants to see 
you."
	"I know."  The world was swimming, reduced to the movement of 
her feet.  "I'll see him after this is over."
	"But you're not going to tell him, are you?" Shigure murmured.
	"He hurts enough about the . . . the baby," she managed.  Hatori's 
car was in sight.  She felt Shigure's arm tighten and half-lift her the rest of 
the way.  "He doesn't need this too."  The dampness on her face was 
irritating, but she couldn't lift her arm to wipe at it.  She felt the seat under 
her and let her muscles go limp.  "Don't you get tired of this, Hatori-nii?"  
She could feel her words slurring.  "Don't you get tired of fixing Akito's 
toys whenever he breaks us?"
	Everything went dark as she spoke, and if he replied she didn't hear 
it.


[continued in part 2 of 2]